Baptized By Boys

Chapter Eight

I don't understand how Neil can speak so passionately about life, yet have no will to live. He talks of beauty, breath, and chance. The chance that we were put here out of all the possibilities. And for what? To live. Part of me hopes that if he eventually hears the words spewing from his mouth, he'll realize himself. Another part thinks he only chooses to hear right through them. Almost like he believes everyone, but himself, deserves this shot. Or maybe like he thinks he's done for and this is his way of trying to save us. Either way, how can I believe someone who pretends to live daringly, when in reality they are under control.

His father is an ugly spirit. A nasty one. Boy, have I grown to hate him. Everything about the guy pisses me off. What tragic thing turned him into the ass he is today? If it weren't for him, Neil might actually believe this world was meant for him too. That he isn't some deformed pattern in the universe. A miscalculation, if you will. But instead a boy put here with just as much meaning.

We came to learn. To live. To plant ourself in soil and find meaning, whatever that might mean for us. Everyone is different. All ideas mix and bend. So why shouldn't our meaning? Whether it be rooting yourself with love or finding a final peace. Neil believes life should remain a mystery. He says it's not meant to look far into. Instead we should rather seek finding ourselves. Apparently it'll make for a more pleasant existence. Of course my wording isn't exactly right. I'm probably ruining his whole speech.

Neil is probably the oddest person I know, besides from Keating. And Charlie. Not only is he odd, but very spiritual. This isn't the first time I've thought him to be quite the character. Outgoing and full of hope. Except that's all an act. Why wouldn't it be? He is an actor, after all.

Neil loves life, I can tell. But he loves it from afar. He loves the idea. He loves it for others. He wants to travel and to fight. To prove something of himself. And as much potential as he has, I know now that he doesn't believe in himself. I hate that.

Charlie brought another girl tonight, which isn't surprising anymore. I wonder why he's brought no boys. That is a question for later. Because right now he is facing the redhead, rhyming whatever he can think of that goes with Sarah. Honestly it's a nightmare to watch.

Neil's knee collides with mine, which leads me to question what for. So I look up, right at his smiling face. He snickers, which only ends with me snickering back. Before I know it, Charlie is throwing us the bird from behind his back.

"Might be his best work yet." Neil whispers from beside me, scooting even closer so I'll be able to hear.

"Exactly what I was thinking. I mean, get this guy on Oprah."

Thigh to thigh, and he still scoots closer. Until there is no space between us and my hand is left to rest against his knee. "You look really nice right now. In this lighting."

That is sure to make me roll my eyes. Especially as I try to imagine what I look like in an old cave with a lantern that's sat more to my bad side. But he smiles, small and content, like nothing he said was funny at all. Now I'm looking away, back towards Charlie, who is still running his mouth and acting a fool. My chin is tucked away with my arms and knees. I know I must look silly, having curled up in on myself.

"I'm sorry." He says it moments later, which of course makes me feel bad. Guilty, even.

"Don't be." I go back to my normal stance. "You," I can't help but clear my throat. "You look nice too."

He only smiles as a response, and then looks away and ahead of himself. I follow suit, not wanting to be caught staring. It already happens too much as is. And spacing out is really running thin as an excuse. How many times can one "space out" on their roommate?

The meeting is over in a snap. Ironically enough, I must have spaced out through half of it, too infatuated with the boy lingering beside me. It's his fault I'm so out of tune with the rest of the world. I'm simply focused on him. And my thoughts for him. They still scare me. Even after knowing everything of Charlie. Even though Neil won't give a rats ass. Well, maybe he will if he knows it's him I'm in love with.

I hate these fantasies.

"You alright?" Neil reels me back in, as he so often does.

"I'm fine." It isn't true, but I lie happily, understanding that my truth can never be free. Which is why I stand and begin to follow the others, who are all scurrying out. Their backs are to us and the light is gone, leaving nothing but Neil and I, stood in the dark.

"Wait." He turns me around, even though I was already heading away. That doesn't matter much anymore. I'd stop anything and everything if he told me to.

"Yeah?"

I'm unable to process this.

Nothing I say will be right.

Not about this.

Not about Neil and the way he stands with grey skin and sad eyes. The way he stands his ground, even though his confidence visibly falters. Now I falter. Nothing I say will be right.

How can I make him stay? I just want him to stay.

In the end I don't have to do anything but stand here, dumb founded and scared shitless. Because after all the time, after all this pining. The countless poems and nights spent forcing myself awake. All of the staring, all of the wondering, and for what? So much worry, and here he is, kissing me.

His lips are cold, and I can't imagine mine are much better, considering they're already numb. I guess all of me is numb now, unable to move forward. I can't shake this. I can't stop thinking. I can't relax enough to just kiss back.

I'm kissing back.

I've never kissed a boy.

I suppose I've never kissed anyone. Except Suzy Bunt in third grade. And to be fair, she kissed me. I never wanted anything to do with her. I didn't want anything to do with anyone until him. Until Neil.

And now we are kissing.