Baptized By Boys

Chapter Nine

If I thought I was screwed before, wait until I wake up tomorrow morning and remember this all. There isn't really a "this all" yet. Only his lips on mine. Even our hands still stay at our sides. Everything is awkward and wonderful all at once. Maybe I should move.

As soon as my arm makes way for the back of his shoulder, he stops. I breathe while having the chance, but he never goes back in. Now we stay like this, forehead to forehead, engulfed in darkness.

"I shouldn't have."

For some reason I don't buy into his worn out eyes, which try and hold some form of regret. I'm not sure how, but I can tell he doesn't mean it. The boy is simply acting, and what am I supposed to do? Act back? Lie? Tell him it didn't mean anything? That no one has to know?

This entire year all I've wanted to do is kiss him. Well, now I've kissed him and I'm deciding that's not enough. Must be why I'm stumbling forwards, going in for more. He looks shocked when I pull closer. I don't blame him. I'm a bit surprised myself. But he's given me a taste of self assurance, and that's all I really need to keep it going.

"Todd, we can't."

"Who's stopping us?" Really, now I'm looking around, wondering if there is some secret set of eyes in the corner. Still, there's no one here but us. It's only us.

"Todd."

I do pull away. Several steps back, actually. Until I'm bumped against the opposite side of the cave, where I eventually take a seat. And honestly I think I just feel defeated.

"You know what, Neil? I just can't stop thinking that I've been hopeless over you for all this time and in the end it was you who kissed me. If it weren't for that, I would've gone the rest of my life being hopeless. But then you kissed me and suddenly I wasn't so lost. And now, what? You want to go back to normal? What am I supposed to do after you kissed me?"

I'm fidgeting.

"Stop."

He's getting closer.

"What? You kissed me, Neil. You kissed me."

I'm shaking.

"Stop it!"

He's still getting closer.

"You kissed me!"

He moves a final step, one arm back, looking like he's about to attack. But instead that hand makes way round my neck and now he's pulling and I hold back, just as desperate as ever. Like now, this moment, might be the only time I see him like this. Vulnerable. Honest. And I think this might be the only time I see myself like this too.

And the idea that maybe this won't last is worse. That after we leave this cave, everything will be back to normal. Like this never happened. Like he never kissed me and I never kissed back. I think that scares me more than this.

He's grabbing me like I'm all that matters, and I'm feeling weightless. My chest has never felt so light. Whether it be love or lack of oxygen causing it, I'm on a high. A high that leaves my fingertips numb and throat sore. He's taller and so I tiptoe, despite that it makes me flush. I don't think he even notices. Not that he would with his eyes closed.

I'm in love.

But I'm also angry. Disappointed. Confused. Angry that I had to hide so long in the first place. Disappointed that this might be the only time I'm fully able to be myself. Confused because I still don't know what this means for me. There are studies to help, at least I've read. Even therapy.

Except those ideas all seem horrid now that I've seen the light. Tasted it, even. And the brightness still lingers on my tongue, sometimes dripping back and down through the rest of me. Can I live without this? Can I live without him? If this feeling feels like this then is there a need to be "fixed?" I don't want that. I just want him.