Rants

14

This was written a month or so ago..so it isn't current. But I found it and felt like I should post it.

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I guess the best place to start is the server.
A while back, barely a couple of months ago, I joined a server for a series I enjoyed.
I actually had people with the same interest as me
I had fun there
Simple jokes from time to time
Starting a silly war
Starting a family…
That’s when things went downhill
Now I don’t blame anyone there
They are all amazing and beautiful people
I’m the one who’s flawed

We started out small
A couple of friends that I joked about with after starting a “bred cult”
We turned it into a family
Eventually making a server if our own
I was the mother, as I started it all
And i loved calling them all my children
We had so much fun
Joking about, showing our art, or even just ranting about others who’ve hurt us

Than it got out of control
Small things 
Little things like losing a member for a silly reason
We gained him back..but he left as quickly as he came
It hurt
But it was fine
One person, Right?

It happened again 
But this time with someone much closer
A silly fight over soekthing stupid
He left 
We both cooled off
And he joined back
It was calm

Not for long though
We had many small fights
And not with the one person, but with many others 
We lost many members
It hurt
Every time
Having them leave 

But I didn’t say anything
After all
I’m the mom
I have to be strong for them
Can’t show any pain
Right?

Soon we were twenty plus members strong…
We had so much fun
I trusted them
I care for them
They where my family 

But another small thing happened
And I gave a warning
That if this happened again 
I would have to leave
As I couldn’t deal with the pain any longer

But I stayed still
Many things happened that hurt
And I stayed
I didn’t want to leave yet
So I pushed through

Until recently..
Where me and one of the people I was really close with had a huge argument..
It was something small
But what they said hurt more than anything 
Especially because I loved them the most
I trusted them so much

Every word they said hit me like a train 
And slowly I broke
I couldn’t deal with it anymore 
So I decided it was time
I gave the server to another friend I trust
And I plan on leaving soon

It broke me too much
And I still didn’t want to go
I still don’t want to leave
I’m terrified of leaving them all
I love every last one of them

I hope they know that…

That friend that I had that argument with,
I’m sure he hates me now..
And I’m content with that
I just want him happy
I don’t care about how anything turns out anymore
I want him to be the one smiling at the end of the day

So I’ll leave
Won’t talk to him anymore
It’ll only hurt more

He’s my son..always will be
And I will always love him
Weather or not he loves me back is not a problem anymore 

I’ll watch from afar as he grows 
Changes into something new
Something different
Without me

I don’t want to loose my family
But it’s something that must happen
If I stay I don’t think I’ll make it
It will literally kill me

But I’m scared...terrified 
I don’t know what I’ll become without them..
If I see them again will they remember me?
Will I recognize them?

Will they still care about me...like I care about them?

If I could go back in time...I would
No hesitation 
I don’t like this life anymore 
And given the chance to fix it
I would 

Go back all the way to middle school
6th grade
Before I met them..
Before I joined the chat
Before I realized how cruel the world is

Back to when I was happy
Unknowing 
Just a child

I was only eleven
It didn’t need to end up this way
The chain that led to this
If I cut it off from back than
If I just said no
If I was actually smart 
If I stood up for myself 

Maybe I’d be happy right now 

Right?