Rants

15

An update on life...i guess

Some things have changed for the better...some for the worse.
I honestly would say these last few months have been the worse in my life...and I've gone through so much in the past.
But..they have also been my happiest..at least that I can remember.

I finally started dating again..and let me tell you he is the most amazing person I've ever met..
It's only been a little over 2 weeks and I love him so much..
Yet the struggles of dating came with him..

See I have had many past relationships..and only one I was happy in. 
Dating brought back those memories, of a time I wanted so deeply to just fade away. 
Yet I pushed through and made it here. 
I'm happy I made it…

Yet there's always the other side of the coin….
Almost every other day I end up crying or in a panic attack…
Whether that be from a fight or...just my thoughts.
Today was no exception..that being why I'm writing again.

So much has changed around me in the past months…
I don't like change..not one bit..
Looking friends...gaining others..
Seeing those I held so close completely forget about me…
They moved on..why can't I?
I always ended up pushing people away...and ruining something beautiful.

I'm just waiting for that to happen again..I know it will..

I only have two people I talk to everyday now...just two.
I love them dearly and pray to any God out there that they stay…
I won't survive if they left...especially not him…

I..tend to get jealous easily..
And if he reads this...sorry for not saying anything.
But the person I'm dating...is also close to another..and I'm fine with it.

Not really..

I hate it..
I hate hearing about her
Everytime...they fight..I always think to myself I hope she leaves..
And I know that's wrong..but I want him to be only mine...he's that protective over me why can't I be of him?..

There's many things I can't bring myself to tell him...I don't want to hurt him...but God do I get angry at him over tiny things..
Yet I never snap..well
I don't snap without being provoked…
When he snaps at me..I'll bite back....
Which hurts him..
And in turn hurts me..

See..I'm affected by that shit..
When he gets hurt so am I..
Having to hear his heart break...hearing him sob...trying to help when all he wants to do is die…
It hurts..a lot..
I'll never let him know though…
I can't hurt him anymore...I don't know what'll happen if I do..

There's the fact that...when I am begging for help...and I post something asking for help…
No one seems to care..
I know when people see it...and yet they completely just...overlook it
It hurts..
I..need help so much..and I trust these people…
Why don't they help me?..
I'm there when you need help…
Please just...hear me…

Please..