Violence In A Quiet Mind

Chapter 5.

I am going through some channels on the television after my mild panic attack. Mum said it will be better if I rest and not think about anything. How can I not think about anything? Everyone is gone and moving here is a bad idea. I can't find anything good on the television so I put it on one channel, the remote clatters on the coffee table as I stare at the ceiling lying on the couch lost in another world of thinking, what if.

"Dinner is ready." Mum taps me as I fell asleep on the couch. I blink lightly as the lights blind me. I get up and stretch.

"How long was I asleep?" I ask her as I sit in the chair of the mini dinning table she had set up.

"Not that long, so I was thinking tomorrow we go out your around the town, you know get to know our surroundings." Mum expresses. I look at her as I fetch a plate of spaghetti with meatballs.

"Sure, whatever that is okay with  you." I state and start eating. She gives me a warm smile and starts eating. Dinner was quiet, no one uttering a sound just the sound made from the forks and knife on our plates.

"I will help with the washing." I get up and start clearing the plates.

"You don't have to, why don't you go outside just to get some air." She interjects. I look at her wanting to help because lately it like I haven't been doing anything.

"Inna I can do the dishes, just go out." Mum drives me away from the kitchen. I sigh and move up to my room for my jacket knowing that the weather will be cold outside.

"I am just taking a walk then I will be back in ten minutes." I say to her as I reach for my phone on the coffee table.

"Take care." She calls out. I open the door and I am hit with a chill air. I open my phone and the the home screen is still a picture of Jenny and I, I sigh and start walking along the street. I see houses along the road, the neighborhood looks quiet. It reminds me of my old town and memories of the past starts playing in my head, from Jenny's death to my dad not being there and sob. I am a girl walking while sobbing over something which will haunt her for the rest of her life. I have accepted the fact that it's my fault.

I don't know where I am going to but turn around heading towards the path home. My phone rings up and it's mum. No need to check because she is the only one I have.

"Hey mum, I am on my way home." I sniff lightly.

"Are you crying?" She questions.

"No I'm not, I thought I smelled something bad." I sniff again because I was lying to her and this isn't me.

"I know you are lying, just come home. Love you." She ends the call.

I quicken my pace to get home so that mum doesn't become worried. I reach home and she is sitting on the couch. I walk to her so that she can acknowledge my presence. I told her I will be in my room since I was exhausted from the walk. I go to my room, enter the bathroom, freshen up, wear my pyjamas and take my journal.

It is now a habit of me to write in my journal before sleeping. I pour my thoughts in it and this time the words I write in the book tears me up.

Thrown in the wind
With storm in the sails
I can't find the words
Don't feel like myself
When you're gone.

Both of you gone and never coming back. If can change everything, I will make things right but they say death is inevitable.

The heaviest heart sink like stones in the sea
The blood stained the shores with a twist of fate.

I close the journal place it under my pillow, use my duvet to cover myself and sleep, dreaming of the people you are now gone.