Blair Silver

Part 15: Ashamed

"So, how's grade twelve treating you?" Mrs. Anderson asks me in an overly bright tone. I force a smile.

"It's going well. The classes are more interesting than in grade eleven."

"Yeah, grade eleven is a bit of an info dump," Kylie (the Andersons' daughter, who is at least a year older than me), says between mouthfuls of ham. "Grade twelve is better. You actually have time to learn the stuff, and even though it's harder, it's less stuff."

I nod along and the adults continue talking about things, until the conversation veers to a dangerous topic: Kylie's relationship. And it's inevitable that after it's been established that she and her boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half now, and he's doing well, still studying law, has an internship somewhere, etc. etc., that, as the next oldest child present, I am asked:

"How about you, Theodore? Do you have a girlfriend?"

I give Mrs. Anderson a tight-lipped smile. "Nope." And I never will, because I'm completely gay.

"Got your eye on anyone?" Mr. Anderson asks teasingly.

"Ahhh..." if I say yes, that'll be a whole nother can of worms. "No."

My mom frowns at me. Oh, here we go. "What about Jillian? You two are close."

"She's my best friend, mom."

"Well, what about those other girls... Raquel and Gabrielle? What about them?"

"Rachel and Gabrielle, mom. And no. We're just friends."

"Well, one of them must have a friend that-"

"Mom."

As if I wasn't already in a bad mood.

-

Dinner goes pretty late. It's emotionally exhausting. By the time I finally get home, all I really want to do is cry. I lock myself in my room and text Jillian.

Sent:
Hey

Jilly:
Hey! How did everything go? Did you get home on time?

I swallow hard.

Sent:
Yeah, plenty of time to spare
Blair drove me
Do you think he's ashamed of me?

Jilly:
Where's this coming from?
Did he do something?
Do I need to threaten him?
Because I will gladly do so

Sent:
No, I just
I don't know

The typing bubble pops up. Then disappears. Then pops up again. A minute or so later, her text appears.

Jilly:
Theo, idk what happened but you seem to really like him and he seems to really like you, so I honestly think you should just talk to him about this. If he seems shady, then it might be something to worry about, but it might all just be some sort of misunderstanding

I sigh a little. I don't really want to talk to Blair about it, but I also really do. I don't want to hear him say he is ashamed of me, though- or worse, hear him lie about it. 

Sent:
Okay

I take a deep breath as my thumb hovers over Blair's phone number. I squeeze my eyes shut as I click on it.

It rings once. Twice. And then he picks up.

"Hey, Theo."

I swallow hard and take a deep breath. His voice alone is making me tear up. "Hi."