Woman- A Formula 1 Fan Fiction

Chapter 24

The news of George and I's screaming match spread like wildfire on the internet to my own dismay. The last thing I wanted was media attention about the tension between my teammate and I, but I should have expected such an outcry- attention was always on Mercedes's well oiled machine, and I had fucked it up by the third race. Let's just say, people retaliating at Mercedes dominance in the last couple of years are pleased.

I have gone from the sweet and quiet girl on the grid to the emotional and angry one. In a thirty second clip. It's not a good look and that's why I am hiding from everyone in my hotel room. I skipped dinner, not being able to face anyone after the debrief we had an hour after my outcry. The amount of disappointment on my team's faces were immeasurable, and I felt like I was on the verge of tears for the entire meeting. I never wanted to mess everything up for the team this early on. I'm still a rookie. I am replaceable. 

At the moment, I sit on my bed after taking a shower, where I washed all the sweat and salty teams that had accumulated during my stressful day, and look blankly out my window. My phone is ringing off the hook- calls from Liz, Alexis, and my family were coming through, as well as texts. I really don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. I don't need to be told off by Liz once more, or be interrogated by the people from home about my well being. I need time to calm myself down, and think about my next step rationally.

I walk up to my window, my white robe draping over my otherwise bare skin as I take long and slow steps. I place my hand on the cool glass and look out into the dark landscape of the city, the lights from distant buildings twinkling like stars. My warm breath fogs up the glass as I press my forehead into it and I close my eyes delicately, my eyelashes brushing the surface. My full body is pressed up against the window as a new flood of tears arrive and stream down my clean cheeks.

I feel like giving up, already. I feel like leaving this whole world behind, to find a career so much more simple and calm. I am not meant for the world of racing- my emotions are way too fragile for any of the small dramas. If I were a boy, I could get over George's words so much quicker. But his actions stab me too deeply, and he doesn't realize it. This is a man's sport it feels like, and I feel too out of place. 

As I look out onto the skyline, I try to think of things that make me feel happiest. After a couple minutes of pondering, I realize that racing is the thing that makes me the happiest. Driving a car makes me feel successful and alive, a feeling nothing else could ever replicate. Then why does it also bring me the most pain?

My tears run out and I feel my body shaking with panic as I begin thinking about how I am not made for this sport, and that I should just give up. I start finding it harder to breathe, and I collapse to the floor taking heaving breaths, trying to regain my own composure. My breaths continue to become shorter and sharper, as I feel my lungs begin to compress into themselves, making me feel like the walls are closing in on me. My head starts spinning in circles as I crawl into the fetal position, praying that my panic would stop. But, it doesn't.

I lay flat on the ground and try to expand my lungs, but I only become less oxygenated. My legs become numb, which causes me to panic more- and I can't move. My body lays glued to the ground, my arms frozen in place, chest on fire.

I feel like I'm dying. 

After several minutes of me wheezing, my heart rate drops slowly and I am able to take more deep breaths. My head is extremely dizzy as I sit up from the ground, and I find myself clenching my bed for support. My palms are extremely clammy as I get to my feet, and I find myself falling onto my bed as I struggle to regain a proper amount of oxygen to my body.

I've had panic attacks before, but never one this bad. I go from feeling like being alone, to feeling like I need to collapse in someone's arms for support in an instant. And I know the person I need to go to most.