Just A Bit Closer (Book Two)

In Which... Well...

{Dean's POV}

"I swear," I mumbled as Cas and I walked toward the garage, "my brother has lost his mind."

"I don't know," Cas said, "I believe Sam's mind is still in his head. And I'm sure he is as mentally stable as any hunter could possibly be."

"It's a figure of speech, Cas."

"Apologies."

I sighed. "You don't have to apologize. Just-" I broke off and shook my head. "Nevermind."

Cas only then lifted his gaze from the floor. "Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

He sucked in a deep breath as I gasped in horror.

"I-" he started at the same time I yelled, "Baby!"

I ran my fingers over her mangled hood and across the spiderwebbed glass. "I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this," I whispered. I threw a look back at Cas, who was standing by the door, looking like he was at a funeral. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of the grief stricken angel.

"Cas?" I asked. "Are you okay?"

He turned around and layed his hand on the door, as if he were leaving. "This is all my fault."

I was taken aback by that. "No, it's not. I was driving. I wasn't paying attention. It was my fault."

He spun around to face me, his trenchcoat twisting around his knees. "I'm not talking about the accident. Or your car. I'm talking about this. All of this." He squeezed his eyes shut and practically growled, "It's all my fault."

I took a hesitant step toward him. "I don't understand, Cas."

"No, you wouldn't. Couldn't. How could you understand what you can't remember?"

"What? Cas-"

"Dean! Just- just don't." He ran his fingers through his already tousled hair. Taking a deep breath, he turned his frightening gaze to the ceiling.

My heartbeat increased.

"Cas, buddy, talk to me." I think I saw him wince. Why?

"No, Dean. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of no one understanding. The only ones who would even know are dead. I'm tired of it all. I'm just tired."

He looked so defeated. I don't think I've ever seen him this way. "Cas."

"Dean. Stop. I don't want to do this right now."

I was starting to get frustrated. "Then when?!? When will you be ready to talk? When will you be ready to open up? Cas, what are you hiding from? What are you so afraid of?"

"The truth. Because once you realize what I've done, you'll never want to see my face again. And I. Can't. Take. That. You and Sam are all I've got. And I don't want to lose you," he said, lowly.

"There's nothing you could do that would make us want to get rid of you."

"You've done it before, at my lowest moment, when I needed you the most."

I sighed. "I didn't want to. Gadreel made me. I had to. For Sam."

"Well, what's stopping you from doing it again?"

"Cas, please." I took another step toward him.

"What?" he spat. "What do you want? Do you want me to fix up your car? Fix up your face? Then, what, go fly off somewhere until you decide you need me again? You know what, Dean? No. It's about time I said it. No." He turned to the door and started his way out. And like a switch flipped in my brain, I ran toward him and caught his arm. My only thought was, Not again.

"Cas," I breathed, trying to get him to face me. "Please. I can't lose you. Never again."

His bright blue eyes looked up, hopeful, and I held his stare, unsure of what to do.

Finally, as if forgetting to consult my brain beforehand, my body moved without my consent. In one swift movement, I cupped the angel's cheek and pulled his lips to meet mine.

I was kissing Cas.

My body took over, my mind only giving me a strange sense of déjà vu. It was as if I'd done this before.

But I'm sure I hadn't.

I would have remembered.