e l i t e s / T. Shelby / The Brat Pack

✧ m a d n e s s ✧

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Thomas Shelby hated the man he's become after the war. The man he is now. Years in the war zone does that to a person, makes them hollow. He remembers everything clearly as if the memories are imprinted in his head as branding would do to a cattle. He would lie on his bed at night, staring at the ceiling, a new girl beside him, with those memories on playback.

He was a clay kicker. He and a dozen other men would dig a tunnel, cramped tunnels, some even would only fit a lanky sized man, and they would plant bombs in hopes that when their enemies pass the ground on the top, they will explode.

Sometimes the clay would fall on top of them, making it impossible to move. Thomas remembered how daunting it felt.

War demands civilians to walk into them, only to return with the shell of a body, hollow on the inside. Tommy felt like a massive chunk of him was taken away, never to return. He was well aware he couldn't handle the things he used to feel. Love, for example. He used to believe in the idea of love, even found himself a girl that was worth the love.

Greta Jurossi.

But then she passed away, leaving him. Into the war, he goes, knowing very well how harsh it would be. What it could do to a man like himself.

When he came back, Thomas Shelby didn't have anything.

Not his woman, and now there's a massive void inside him craving to be filled. So he worked his arse off with his brothers and his gang, the Peaky Blinders. Worked hard, played hard to fill that void, once again to be disappointed that he still feels that sense of lost - even though he and his brothers' business is growing - he still feels unsatisfied.

And then came in Grace Burgess, with her beautiful face and an even more charming voice.

She was the only woman who could make him feel things again, who could cause his heartbeat. after a long time, his heart was dormant. Before Grace, Thomas wasn't afraid of losing anything. But with her, he's scared every minute of every hour. Scared that someone would take her away from him.

Then, out of their love came his first child, Charles. Oh, how happy he was. So he and Grace did the only thing sensible at that time. They tied the knot. The wedding was beautiful - given that he already told his gang to not fight on his sacred day, hell everyone knows that was the hardest thing for his boys to do - with all of them together, having a great time.

And then came the death of Grace.

For a few weeks, Thomas felt numb, sure he conversed, he went about his regular day, but he felt numb. Drinking, eating, sleeping felt more like a routine than a necessity. He would only see Charles once or twice every day, making the boy feel even lonelier and alienated.

With his mum gone and all.

Thomas felt like he couldn't cope with the terrible loss; he had lost one of the reasons he kept going all those years. He felt angry, sad, and guilty simultaneously; his feelings were a melting pot. He wished he had spent more time with his woman.

Without him even realising it, Thomas had returned to the state he was in after the war before he met Grace. Thomas Shelby had returned to the state of hollow where everything didn't matter except him and now, his son Charles. He would crack a smile here and a little bit of a chuckle there when he's with his brothers, but Thomas Shelby never really fully recovered.

And the worst part of it was that sometimes Thomas would have these images of Grace materialize out of nowhere, and it would shatter his heart every time her face haunts him.

He would 'cure' these hallucinations with the only thing he knows best to help him, opium. Didn't realise the opium he consumed caused even more hallucinations of his late wife, a never-ending chain of hallucinations.

With opium mixed with the alcohols he drank, combined with all of the troubles he had from his business, Tommy's head feels fully crammed. He felt like his head was going to burst.

He feels like he was standing on the very edge of a cliff, about to fall into a depth of darkness that consumed his friend from war, Danny Whizzbang. Little did Thomas know, he was already on the bottom of the pit.