Haruhi's Sister

Chapter 12: Panic at the resort pt3

Soon enough we were looking around for honey, I tried to keep calm but I could only really manage to continue walking and keep my breathing semi-steady. At some point it began to rain and we had to take shelter in a gazebo this only seemed to make my panic even worse as my mind swirled with so many horrible possibilities. I tried to calm myself by grabbing my notebook and scribbling down all the horrible possibilities in my mind and then proceeding to write down solutions to those problems. When the rain finally stopped I had completely filled the little book. I held it out to kyoya as I said "here are all the problems I could see and solutions to fix said problems. Many of them are probably unrealistic and unimportant but I'm sure there are a few useful things in it. You can throw it away when you're done." writing my fears down and solving them had helped me to calm down enough that I was no longer stuttering.

However when I looked around and realized both mori and Haruhi were now missing as well I could feel myself spiraling into a panic attack faster then I had in a long time. My legs gave out from the amount of adrenaline coursing through my body, I couldn't breathe and my whole body was shaking violently. Tears poured down my face as I just couldn't take it anymore. I'd been dealing with so much all day and I couldn't keep it together now that haru was somewhere I couldn't protect her. Kyoya told the others to go on ahead and look for haruhi, mori and honey. I had my hands clasped behind my head so tightly it was painful as I cried and blubbered like a baby, my words were incoherent and nonsensical even to me.

I hadn't broken down this bad since mother had died and I couldn't remember how to calm down. It felt like I was going to die right then and there, in fact I was sure this wasn't just a panic attack and I was also having a heart attack. Why else would my chest hurt so badly? I was so panicked I barely even noticed as kyoya knelt down in front of me and gently tried to call my attention to him. I felt hands gently grasp my wrists but I was so out of it the touch only seemed to make my anxiety skyrocket. I flinched away from the touch as I yelped in fear, my hand lashing out on instinct to try and protect myself. Without thinking I'd slapped kyoya right across the face on reflex but my head was no longer tucked into my knees and I could actually see who it was that had touched me, though kyoya's form was blurred by tears and the darkness begging me to submit to it. The slight stinging of my left hand caused my anxiety ridden brain to look down and then back up as my anxiety was quickly beginning to be replaced with dread.

It had been a long times since I'd had a panic attack so bad that I'd hurt someone during it, the last time had been right after mother died. I'd had a nightmare, a bad nightmare about mom and it caused me to wake up right into a panick attack. Dad had tried to calm me down with a hug and I'd slapped him across the face and kicked him as hard as I could. the slap had left a deep scratch across his face and he still had the scar to this day, he just always covered it with makeup. Ever since then I always made sure my nails were trimmed down and tried to stay curled up close to myself during panic attacks so I hopefully wouldn't hurt anyone.

A strangled whimper left my lips as I tightly wrapped my arms around myself gripping my shoulders with a force that was both painful and comforting. My throat seemed to constrict even more as I felt like I couldn't breathe, no air would enter my lungs and the pain in my chest only worsened by the second. I couldn't help feeling I deserved whatever pain I felt though, after all I'd slapped kyoya when he was only trying to help. I'd hurt him and now all I wanted to do was disappear. My panic and self hatred had taken over my body to the point I didn't even feel like I was me anymore. My vision was distorted and I felt like I was on the outside of my body watching everything happen. I wanted to stop myself as my short nails dug so far into my shoulders they began to bleed but I felt completely powerless, no matter how much I wanted to stop and calm down I just couldn't. It felt like hours as I watched myself unable to control my hysterics but really it was only minutes until my body gave out from the lack of oxygen and I passed out.

When I came to I was sitting on a towel in one of the chairs in the gazebo and The first thing I felt was the familiar cold sharp string of alcohol on my shoulder. I flinched slightly and looked back to see kyoya was tending to the small wounds I'd given myself during my panic attack. His eyes quickly met mine as he spoke "It seems you're awake now, you've been unconscious for five minutes, I thought it would be best to clean your wounds and refrain from moving you until you awoke. How are you feeling?" A thick blanket of shame enveloped me as I noticed the red mark on his cheek and I curled back into myself as I stuttered out "I'm s-so s-so-sorry kyo-kyoya, I reall-ll-ly didn-didn't mean t-t-t-to, I'm so-so ss-sor-sorry I hur-hurt you." He was quiet for a second as he finished with my shoulders, he put away my first aid kit as he said "I forgive you, now if you're ready let's go, the others have found honey, mori and haruhi. I assume you're fine since you didn't answer my question."

I nodded quietly and stood up, kyoya quickly grabbed my bag before I could and began walking. I grabbed the towel I'd been laying on, folding it and tucking it under my arm before following after him. Though my muscles were sore from being so tensed for so long it was a pain I could tolerate. The walk was silent until we finally got to the group of hosts and slightly beat up strangers. My attention was instantly pointed towards Haruhi, mori and honey. I was quick to speed walk over to them, fighting the tears welling in my eyes as I stuttered, still shaken from how many panic attacks I'd had that day "a-a-arre y-yo-you th-thr-three o-ok?"

Haruhi smiled apologetically with a tinge of guilt and quickly turned in a circle so I could properly inspect her, followed by honey and Moro. Honey frowned as he looked at me and said "we're fine shi-Chan. I'm sorry we worried you so much, are you ok? We heard you had a couple really bad panic attacks, do you need to sit down or drink some water?" I shook my head feeling myself slightly relax as it seemed like none of them were injured. My eyes then moving to the many beat up looking police people, I vaguely remembered kyoya calling in his families personal police team to help search for Haruhi earlier. I quickly and wordlessly went over to kyoya and grabbed the first aid kit from my bag before going over to the beat up men. I quietly and hesitantly said "yo-yo-you mm-mu-must b-be k-k-kyoya's po-p-police f-fo-force. Th-thank y-y-you f-for he-help-helping. I-ifff I m-mm-ma-may?" I gestured to the first aid kit, getting tired of stuttering every time I spoke as I waited a moment for them to nod and thank me before getting to work. I wanted to know why they were so beat up but I didn't feel like stuttering again so I made a mental note to ask haruhi in the morning if she knew. I hoped my stutter would go away after I got some good rest and drank some tea. My stutter would usually only come out when I was having a panic attack or for a short amount of time after I'd had a very bad one but it had never stuck around longer then a week or so. Hopefully this time was no different.

After bandaging everyone up and getting an extensive thank you from the guards we all finally took showers and left that horrible building. The twins asked about the bandaids on my shoulders and my stutter but after a short glare from haruhi and kyoya they huffed and let the subject go. Which I was thankful for since I was barely keeping awake after getting into the limo. The heavy smell of disinfectant that hung in the air and the presence of kyoya next to me allowing me to relax enough that the exhaustion from being so stressed for so long was beginning to weigh me down. By the time we got home I didn't even have the energy to speak I just nodded my goodbye and weakly left the limo. As soon as I left the apartment I was quick to spray myself down with disinfectant and go to the bathroom to strip out of my soiled, sweat soaked clothes. I threw them in the hamper and took a quick but very hot and relaxing shower. Once I was out I slipped on my plain blue onesie and went to make haruhi and myself a cup of my favorite tea to help calm my nerves and release some more of my stress. Haruhi sat in the living room, giving me the space and silence she knew I always needed when this exhausted. I handed her her cup of tea, set moms on her alter and went to my room. I slowly drank my tea before curling up in bed and falling into a nightmare filled sleep.