Coming Back Home

Chapter 7

The smell of hospital antiseptic will now be something Yejin associates with fear and uncertainty. Going into Day 4 of her 2nd round of her chemotherapy cycle, she has now started to experience the bad side effects of what is supposedly going to make her feel better. She glanced to her side as she walked along the hall and smiled at her ex-husband who is accompanying her this time around.

This morning, after they sent off the kids, she quickly realized what he meant when he told her that he will be there for her - Bin apparently filed an indefinite leave from work. Although she was clearly surprised and moved by this gesture, she did not want to think too much out of it. Bin has always been someone who took good care of the people around him. Much as she had that resolve though, she couldn't help but pay a closer attention to him since. He moved around her home as if he has been living there all this time - opening cabinets and knowing where the pan and the bowls were kept as he made her favorite fresh mushroom omelette with basil, toasted her bread and squeezed her an orange juice. She was sitting by the corner, pretending to read the book that she had out but was actually unable to go past the first paragraph of page 197. He would glance at her from time to time and she noticed how he would take deep breaths as his gaze lingered. What could that mean?

And now, he has been more quiet than usual. The only time she heard him was when he asked if he was comfortable which he actually managed to ask in three different ways. Bin must be worried.

As they approached the oncology floor and checked in with the nurse, they were directed to a semi-private area, separated with others by a beige curtain. Being Yejin, she greeted the regulars with her signature eye smile and wave, cheering for them and making small talk about the weather or a recommendation for a pastry that they have recently eaten.

Entering the third cubicle on their right which had a lazy boy, a small table beside it and a folding chair to the side.

"Bin, would you like to go somewhere else? You can just come back in 3 hours after my chemo.." She asked him as she started to set up her space - tan wool blanket to cover the chair, a small pillow for her lower back and a thick shawl to use as a blanket. Yejin has always been a nester.

"Can I just stay with you here?" He asked carefully. He looked good wearing an old pair of jeans and his college sweatshirt.

She nodded but added, "Warning, in case you forgot. I can get quite cranky when tired." She smiled at him and gestured for him to take a seat on the plastic chair. Bin took out a book from his bag, his coffee flask on the floor, and another water bottle for her which he placed in the side table. He then crossed his legs, wore his reading glasses and started on his book.

Nurse Hye Jin, armed with her curly hair and freckles, later came to have her fill up the forms. She had such positive energy that was so infectious, she cheered up anyone she spoke to.

"Hello Yejinnie-ssi!! As usual, we are so happy for you to grace us with your beautiful presence." She asked with all the energy she can muster from her petite frame. She then noticed Bin sitting close by. "And who is this good looking man?"

"Aysssshhh...Shut up and do your job Hye Jin-ssi!" She replied playfully shoving her.

Bin put down his book, slightly bowed towards the nurse and introduced himself. Nurse Hye Jin teased both of them as she attached the IV. The effort was not lost on Yejin. Each time she came in for her treatment, the bleakness of the place gets to her. People in various stages of cancer ravaging their bodies seated in the room waiting for a miracle. The first time she came for treatment, she thought that she will never be like them. She was young and had a full life ahead of her. But for this 2nd round, when she started to feel the ill effects of the drug and she realized how frail her body really was, she began to doubt herself. How can she ever be so certain that she will be spared? And so, fear and helplessness kicked in. While she was puking her guts out in the toilet days ago, she must have also flushed down most of what's left of her hope. And that was where she was at when Bin found her - trying to stay hidden and in the dark, wishing to just disappear. Her dark thoughts led to memories years ago....

Yejin's friendship with Bin endured through high school. Bin's concern towards her was actually a puzzle. After that grouping in literature, they never worked together again nor did they move in the same circles. But somehow, he would go out of his way to check on her and hang out with her several times in a week. They were kinda tethered towards each other.  Each falling a step closely behind, never too far away.  She initially thought that maybe he liked her romantically but she pushed it out of her mind because he seemed to not have any shortage of girls, who were prettier than her, flirting with him. Besides, he never made any move beyond being friends. And so, Yejin settled on the thought that maybe he wanted to have a younger sister to baby, having two older brothers for siblings.

And so she stayed in her happy bubble, at least in school, her refuge. Home was a different matter. She hated hearing the last bell signaling the end of her last class and always dragged herself from the chair. She joined two other clubs other than the school paper just to have some reason to stay behind in school as much as she could. There wasn't any escape though, she still had to face her biggest tormentor every single day - her own father. It was mostly the alcohol, at least that's what her Eomma told her. But for her, it didn't really matter. She dreaded his footsteps, the beep of the car when it arrives, his booming voice as he approached the house. She knew what to expect next....

"You will never amount to anything Yejin!"

"Useless! I asked for a son and I got you!"

"You are just like your mother Yejin...she used to be so smart but now look at her?"

Her high marks weren't enough for her father. In his mind, she was only second best. Minji, her older sister, was a perfectionist and was always on top of the class. Yejin never resented Minji and was happy for her but insecurity grew with each comparison that her father used against her. It also didn't help that Yejin was more inclined to writing, instead of choosing something 'prestigious' such as law or medicine. Despite all her fears, writing was a non-negotiable to Yejin. It was the last thing that she thought that she could fight for as her own.

But each morning, she wakes up full of hope. Somehow, as each day passes, she gets closer to the day that she can leave their home and carve a life for herself. She looks forward to her small pockets of sunshine - the ginkgo tree tucked in the side of the campus where she sits during lunchtime, her worn out brown journal that contains all her thoughts, that corner in the library where the sun stretches down to graze half her face, and Bin.   All that he does. All that he is. He has grown to be someone important in her life. Her bestest friend.. one of her life's biggest surprise.

When she was all hooked up on her meds and done with her musings, her eyes a little bit tearing up, she caught Bin looking at her. And just like that, without any words, he took her free hand, tucked it under his sweatshirt and rubbed his thumb like he has done a million times before.