The Scarlet Sweater

6. Daniel Stohlmannesdale

As the narrator of this tale it is my job to introduce you, the reader, to any and all new characters. At this point, I feel the need to bring to your attention the life and times of Daniel… Daniel Stohlmannesdale. This particular character is kind of a big deal—he’s the captain of the football team, a very important position in the school’s hierarchy. He is the strongest pubescent in all the land yet he possesses a shy, sensitive side that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex. However, this particular boy of a man has chosen to remain abstinent until after the football season ends—for he cannot risk the distraction of a female companion whilst partaking in this most violent of sports.

Daniel, this god among pubescent boys, has a secret. A dark and terrible secret that haunts his dreams and brings him grief (even on the sunniest of days). He spends all hours of the day obsessing over this dark mystery. Unfortunately for you, good reader, I cannot tell you what that secret is… not yet.

For now, you will have to remain in the dark about this “minute” detail. We shall, instead, focus on what Daniel has been doing thus far in our story. On the fourth day of the second week of the eighth month of the 2014th year after the death of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Daniel was doing what he did every Wednesday at 6:30 in the morning. Daniel was lifting weights at school, working up a sweat and allowing his mind to wander. As he began to think about the upcoming football game on Friday, Daniel tried to focus his mind upon his work. The weights were heavy, and he felt the metaphor bearing down on himself (A metaphor which symbolizes, to our lesser readers, the strain his dark mysterious secret was slowly killing him for, reasons unbeknownst to even his closest friends, he couldn’t begin to fathom). The weight of the, er, weights, sent him falling to the floor, crumpling into a heap of tears and pubescent body.

“Get up, Stohlmannesdale!” Mr. Bausch said (he was also the weightlifting instructor), “Now is not the time to be sensitive!”

“Sorry, sir,” said Daniel, who held an undying respect for the ancient instructor, “I was just thinking about something important.”

“Well, if it’s important, you can continue to think about it, being sacred and all.” Looking around, Mr. Bausch observed several students gathering around the scene. “Go on with your lifting!” he yelled. “Now isn’t the time to be watching me scold another for intellectual activities! Continue to make yourselves stronger! It’s never…” and his train of thought again disappeared.

Daniel could feel the heat of eyeballs focused on his being. Why couldn’t they mind their own business? It was their problem that he— well, you know (Oh wait, you don’t know, because we haven’t told you. Ha!). He shook off the thought and began to stare at Mr. Bausch, clapping his hands and stomping his feet in order to wake the sleeping 2,000 year old dragon. Eventually, Mr. Bausch’s snoring woke himself up. He jerked awake and saw Daniel’s eyes agape at his face. He slowly pushed Daniel’s face away and blew his whistle. It was time for the students to get cleaned up for the pep rally.

In the locker room, Daniel was faced by his friend Nic Snodingworth.

“Are you still thinking?” Nic asked.

Daniel, distracted by his football pads, didn’t answer. Nic was irritated. He hated waiting for answers.

“Are you still thinking?” Nic asked again.

Again, Daniel didn’t answer. Fed up, Nic went around behind the boy and yanked on his underpants. Daniel jerked into consciousness again.

“What’d ya do that for?” Daniel demanded, fixing his askew drawers.

“You weren’t listening to me. Anyway, are you still thinking?” Nic asked.

“About…?” Daniel questioned.