Serenis

Chapter 6

I must admit that I felt better in clean clothes. All I needed now was a shower to wash away the stench of the day. I looked in the mirror to assess the damage and to my surprise it was not as bad as I thought it was, although the copious amount of mascara I'd applied that morning had somewhat backfired - the black smudges down my cheeks rivaling those of a 70' glam rocker. I pumped as much soap as I could into my hand and began lathering it over my face. As I patted my face dry I studied my features in the mirror and was shocked to see that Ben had been right about the wasting away look. In place of my usual round face were sunken cheeks and my skin, which usually has a tint of honey gold color and a few random freckles, looked pasty and grey.  

I walked to the door and picked up my purse. I had an entire supply of make-up in there but I didn't bother applying any as it was pointless now. Everyone had seen me at my worst and truthfully I didn't think I had the energy to even lift my mascara wand, let alone be bothered to blend my eye shadow. As I walked to the door I paused and looked at the clothes in my hand. They were the clothes I was wearing when I came in. I placed them on top of the small waste bin in the corner and walked out, shutting the door. I didn't want any reminder of today's events and I knew every time I put on my navy skirt and white shirt, I would be taken back to the moment when I found out my life as I knew it was over and a new one was about to begin. That was not something I felt like reliving. 

I threw my purse over my shoulder and sauntered down the corridor, taking in the hospital's atmosphere for the first time. I had been wheeled down the corridor on the gurney but was in such a state at the time that I hadn't even realized where I was. As I continued to follow the dark blue stripe toward the Nurses' Station I glanced at the people in the rooms that lined the long corridor. I saw children in casts eating ice cream and jello next door to a man who had clearly been in some sort of accident and was bandaged from head to toe. I saw mothers holding new born babies and bored teenagers lying in their beds flicking through the four channels available on the small TV's. As I walked further on I noticed a bright glow coming from one of the rooms, it was so bright that my eyes had trouble focusing. As I moved closer to the light I felt a warm breeze drawing me closer and closer to it. My feet took on a life of their own and I found myself wandering into a small room off the main corridor. I stopped as I reached the entrance and peered inside. There were four beds in this room, three were empty and one was occupied by a little old lady.  

I stood there staring at her, not wanting to leave but not knowing why I was there. The light had disappeared though I felt I should close the blinds in the room in case the sun came shining back through and woke her up. I pulled the blinds as quietly as I could, then walked over to the end of her bed and looked at the name that had been written on the board above her head. Her name was Ethel and she was 89 years old and was in hospital with diabetes. I felt sadness as I looked down at this frail little old lady before me. Her face was sunken and her breathing was so heavy it seemed that she was fighting to get any air at all. All around her there were handmade get well cards covered in glitter which I assumed were from her great grandchildren. On the table next to her, a bright bunch of daisies danced in the breeze from the air vent above. At least Ethel had people that cared about her in her life. She was not alone and that made the situation seem less heartbreaking. 

I stood there for what seemed like hours, taking in the love that surrounded Ethel when suddenly I heard a sharp beep coming from the large monitor next to her bed. I jumped back, worried that I had accidently pulled out a cord or stood on something I shouldn't have. To my surprise Ethel opened her eyes and smiled as if I was an old friend coming to visit her. I ran over to her side and she grabbed my arm. 

I began to panic and tried to pull her grip from me as gently as possible but she wouldn't budge. 'I need to go and get you some help. I need to get a nurse, you have to let go Ethel.' 

Her grip was like a vice and for a weak little old lady her strength would rival that of a teenage quarterback. I pleaded with her to let me go so I could get help but she simply stared into my eyes, smiled and said two faint words, 'Thank you,' and then finally let go. 

I looked at the monitor which had gone from beeping erratically to holding a high pitched note. I looked around me, grabbed my purse and ran to the door. As I turned the corner I leaned against the wall taking in deep breaths, not knowing what had just happened but at the same time realizing some of what Rochelle had been talking about. 

As I stood there Belinda came running along the corridor with two other younger nurses behind her. She stopped when she reached me, her smiley face now as serious as stone. 'Katie, Louisa, see if there is a pulse. I will be in shortly.' 

The two other nurses nodded and raced in. Belinda gripped my elbows just as my legs gave out from under me and I found myself slumped on the floor, staring in shock at the blue line I wish I had just followed to the Nurses' Station instead of taking the fatal detour. 

I was prepared for Belinda to scream at me and threaten my life as Rochelle had done earlier that day as clearly, I was evil. To my surprise she was the total opposite and held my head to her chest as she ran her hand across my hair to comfort me. 'You did nothing wrong Evie, you hear me; you did nothing wrong. You did Ethel a great service, she was suffering and was calling for you and you came. You did nothing wrong.' 

I looked up at her completely stunned. 'Is that all it takes? I didn't do anything except be with her, visit her. I didn't touch her, I didn't do anything! Is that how easy it is to kill people?' 

Belinda stared right into my eyes and made me focus on her. 'Hey, you did nothing wrong. When someone wishes to die and calls you, you have no choice. Your presence and your understanding is all they need to pass. She called you Evie, she called you as she needed help letting go and couldn't do it on her own. There was a part of you that heard her cries and your compassion for her let her have her wish. That's not evil, that's one of the most selfless things you can do for someone.' 

I nodded automatically, still not really comprehending what had just happened. Belinda pulled me to my feet and held me until I was stable and standing on my own. 'I have to go in now and you need to find your Dad and head home. Rochelle has made arrangements and will be speaking with you this week to answer any questions you have. Please believe me, Evie, you did nothing wrong.' 

I nodded and walked off toward the exit, making sure I followed the blue line to the foyer, not daring to digress again.