in reverse-adam banks(1)

chapter 10 - hurt from the past

mentions of depression, read author's not for more detail

Layla's POV

"Layla wait up," Scooter called as he ran up to me as we were leaving the locker rooms. It had been a tiring practice, both mentally and physically, I wanted to get back to my dorm. Because I was tired, and because I knew what Scooter wanted to talk about. But I couldn't blow off my best friend.

"Okay fine," I told him, "I have a feeling I know what you want to talk about and I want to go to my dorm so if you hurry up we can talk there."

"What- okay." Good decision Scooter, I thought. Except now I know what he wants to talk about. And I had absolutely no clue what I was going to say.

We finally arrived at my dorm room, thankfully without running into any teachers. Dreading this conversation, I slowly unlocked the door and flopped down onto my be while Scooter sat on my desk chair.

"I'm curious," he started, "what do you think I wanted to talk about?"

"Banks," I mumbled under my breath just loud enough for him to hear.

"Well okay. Correct you are Lays. You've been my best friend for how many years now? That's right. 11 years. We've gone to school together since first grade and we've played hockey together since we were like 5. I think you can tell me a whole lot. About whatever you need to tell me."

"Yeah you're right. Just promise me one thing. Please don't tell Riley. At least not yet. I want to talk to him but I need to figure some things out. And I have a feeling what his reaction will be."

"Of course. I respect your privacy and your need to tell him yourself. Just you need to tell him." 

"Thank you." I gave him a hug before flopping back onto my bed knowing that the real conversation was about to begin.

"Now down to business. Banks. I see the way you look at him Layla. It's like you want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. So be completely honest with me. What is going on?"

I sighed as I tried to comprehend my thoughts. There was so much swirling around my head that I had no clue where to start.

"Okay," I started, "here's the truth. I'm not totally sure. He's been annoying and prissy and my job is to make his life miserable. But ever since the dinner I've cared what could happen to him. Like when we played the ducks I was worried that they would target him and I didn't want him to get hurt. But Riley hates him and so I have to hate him too. And I have to keep making his life a mess."

"Lays. You like him don't you. I can tell you do."

"No. I can't. There will be no repeat of last year. I won't have someone rip me down to nothing again. I can't take everything that happened again. And I don't want Riley getting wrapped up in this again. He almost got expelled. I won't chance it. I'm not sad right now and I don't want him to ruin that." 

"I understand but you should- wait. Why didn't you say you're happy right now."

"Cause the truth is I'm not. Everyone thinks I am and it has to stay that way. Nobody knows everything I feel inside. The dark and the cold. The hurt and the pain. From everything. From last year, from that I just feel so dark all of a sudden. It's like nobody can reach me. I feel so isolated. But I don't want anyone to know so I fake it. It took you this long so I figure I'm doing a good job pretending I'm okay. And nobody else needs to know. Got it?"

"Layla you need to tell someone. You need to see if they can help you."

"No. I can't. Because what if I'm wrong. What if I'm not depressed or if I don't actually have a mental illness. Then I'll be embarrassed or people will say I just wanted attention. And that's the lasting I want."

"I think you're wrong but I can respect your decision. What do you feel? Maybe I can show you that you're wrong."

"Most of the time I just feel numb. Like I can't feel anything. But when I do I feel terrible. Like I'm worthless and it's never going to get better. I just want it to stop. It's like that one song, feel something, 'I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this.' That's how I feel most of the time."

"I'm so sorry Layla I had no idea."

"That was the point. I didn't want anyone to know. And I still don't. So don't say anything. Okay?"

"Okay. But I still think you should try to talk to a professional or something. None of that sounds normal."

"Yeah I know. I'll think about it. For now just don't let anything change. Hockey is where I have the most fun and I can't afford to have that change."

"Don't worry kiddo. It'll all work out." He stood up and walked over to me, crushing me in a hug.

We said our goodbyes before he left and I went to get ready for bed.

Later that night as I was laying in bed I started thinking. About everything. About Banks. About Jayden and Adrianna and everything they had done to me. My life was a mess. But for now none of that mattered. What mattered was making sure my best friends were happy and that nothing changed. Right now, that is my top priority.

author's note: thanks so much for reading!!! please don't forget to vote and comment if you liked it! also this chapter was not to poke fun at mental illness or joke about it in any way. these are my experiences and i apologize if they differ from anyone you may know that has been diagnosed. i also wanted to say that i have not been diagnosed i have just taken my life into the story a little bit so if this is not depression i am sorry.