31 Days

4 - Hope

Warnings: none

It was nearly midnight and Lila couldn't sleep. Her first day back at school was tomorrow, and she couldn't have been more nervous. It certainly wasn't her actual first day of school, no, it was her first day back at school in person. You see, she'd been one of a rare few who had chosen to remain remote when her school decided to return in person. It had been a really hard 3-4 months. School had started in early September, and it was now mid-January. The first semester had just ended and school had returned after a week long after-finals break.

And Lila was going back in person.

A million thoughts ran through her mind. Did she remember to pick out a mask that matched her outfit? Was her alarm set for zero period? Did she have her lunch pre-made? Did she have all her work and textbooks? Was she feeling okay tonight? Where were the classrooms? How would break and lunch look? What would it be like in the one way hallways?

Lila, chill out, for goodness' sake, she told herself, it's just school!

But it wasn't the school she was used to.

She'd dealt with being one of five total remote learners in the high school of nearly 300. She'd had teachers disconnect from the video calls because they forgot she was there. She'd had to unmute herself constantly to remind the teacher that she couldn't see the screen and had to tell her choir director multiple times that she wanted to audition for a solo. She'd most certainly been an outsider for four months, almost entirely reliant on the memory of the teachers.

And her friends; all of her friends had returned in person. Not a single one stayed remote. And so she couldn't hang out with them anymore. They'd been around a bunch of people Lila hadn't, and she didn't want to risk anything. They rarely texted her, didn't hang out with her, or invite her anywhere. It was almost as if they'd forgotten her. And at times, Lila felt that they had. That they didn't love her, that she really was all alone.

Those months were the loneliest Lila had ever felt in her life, even lonelier than her extremely rough junior high years.

But she was finally going back!

She couldn't decide if she was more excited or more nervous. She finally managed to shut her mind off and sleep. When her alarm went off at 5:30, however, she felt like she hadn't slept a wink.

As she got ready and ate breakfast, the same thoughts from the night before ran through her mind. She tried not to focus on them, but man, was it hard.

"Love you, Lila! Have a great day at school!"

"Love you, Mom!"

She hopped in her car and turned the key in the ignition. She took a moment to calm herself, then put her favorite playlist on shuffle and drove off, the music floating through the speakers and nearly drowning out Lila's nervous thoughts.

As she pulled into the school parking lot fifteen minutes later, she found herself shaking ever so slightly. She managed to park safely and grabbed her things, putting her mask on as she walked towards the school and locked her car. She pulled up her symptom declaration clearance on her phone and entered the school, ascending the stairs towards the choir room.

Over her rapid breathing and the sound of her boots on the stairs, one thought echoed through her mind. It may have been a little melodramatic, Lila couldn't deny, but she felt it was true all the same, which didn't undermine the emotion behind her wish.

"I hope they remember me..."

A/N: oh no not be being melodramatic and emotional...

So this is very much based around my experience thus far with school and what I imagine things will turn out like for me. Every word you've read here is true (except for me returning in January - I have no idea when I'm going back in person); every emotion is accurate as far as the emotions I feel/have felt this past month.

I won't lie, it's like 10:30pm and I was in a bad headspace and I just needed to write to get my emotions out. So this is kind of an emotion dump of sorts,just me writing down words to express how I feel in an attempt to make sense of it all. I hope you guys enjoyed though. I know this is sadder than the previous sections, which isn't always enjoyable, but there's no creativity in expressing only one emotion and repressing another.

Anyways. Sorry for the mini rant. I hope you enjoyed haha