The Cabin

Part 5

I lay in my bed, crying into that same pillow. My stomach longs for food but I refuse. My phone constantly buzzes, Mr.Stark had been leaving me message after message after message. I couldn't bring myself to listen to them. I knew what he would say, he would reassure me that everything will be okay and that I just need to come back. I stay in bed, I stay for many days and many nights. Not able to tell the difference of each day, only feeling pain and a great loss. Was it day 117 or 128?

My hair greasy and sticking to the sheets. My chest crying out for help, the bindings holding it tight. My whole body yelling at my head, I can hear a deep voice yelling "Get up, please just get up!" it's a familiar voice. My brain trying to process it but giving up. The voice sounds loving, like someone I remember. Who could it be? Was I really that important to them? His deep voice yells once again and then stops, his cries rain through my head.

I roll over, seeing rain fall to the ground outside. My stomach yells once again, telling me that something is wrong. I pull my head up, looking around the dim room. Dark shades of blue and gray linger on the walls. Water falling takes control of my hearing.

I stumble out of my bed, the sheets soaked in my tears. The rain outside calls my name. I resist it and walk out of my room, carefully avoiding the glass shards on the floor. I walk straight into the bathroom, looking in the mirror. My hair overgrown and covering my face disgusts me. I pull off my binder, seeing my body, the body that doesn't belong to me. Tears continue to flow down my face, thoughts spinning in my head. I could breathe again but I still felt like I was drowning.

I had been placed inside a vessel that I didn't belong in. The vessel designed for someone else, it traps me. I'm the worst son, the worst brother. My chest sits and yells at me, reminding me that I was born wrong. I failed the moment I was born. My brain argued with my body the moment I started breathing. My head would never rest. A battle that I don't think I can win. I look at my hair again, the long strands falling on my face. I reach into the cabinet and grab a razor. The sharp but rusty blade promising me peace. I bring it to my head, cutting all of my hair. The strands fall to my shoulders and then to the ground. I use the razor quickly and unsafely. It rubs my skin, causing small drops of blood to fall. My tears flying down my face, trying to compete with the falling hair.

I put the razor down on the counter, my other hand touching my head. Hoping that this would fix everything but it didn't. This battle is more than just a haircut. It's more than wearing a binder everyday. That's just how my life is, no amount of work will fix it. My head lowers as my arms rest on the counter. Why am I like this? Why couldn't I just be born with matching parts? Those questions will never be answered and I knew that.

I turn on the sink faucet and rinse off my head. The excess hair falls into the drain. I put my binder back on, the tight compression brings my breath to a halt. My breath slows as I sweep up the strands of hair on the floor.

That same old writing on my wrist mocking me. The cursed writing tells me that I'll never see my family again, that there is no point anymore. I stare down at it, putting the broom away. I remember their faces, Mr.Stark's smile, Sasha's laugh, Banner's jokes and many more. How Sasha would laugh at all my jokes, how I learned them from Mr.Stark. How they brightened my life. How all I wanted to do was see them, to hug them again. The scars on my arms remind me of how I tried, I tried to take off that writing. Why couldn't it just disappear?

My legs tremble as I walk out of the bathroom. The picture of me and my family rests on the floor, glass surrounding it. I stumble over to it, falling on my knees. I try to reach the picture, the shards of glass grace over my fingertips, causing my blood to spill. I grab the picture and hold it close. "I miss you guys" I mumbled as I barely stand. I grab the broom again and sweep up the glass. My blood spilling onto the floor as the shards end up in the trash along with the frame.

My heart picks up in pace as I look down at that beautiful picture. My stomach yells once again, my knees caving in. I fall onto the floor and hold onto the picture, my only comfort. My body lays on the cold hardwood floor as my heart slows. My fingertips go numb and I drop the picture.

A sharp pain from my upper forearm makes my arm clench. This day ending like any other, with me lonely. With my blood being spilt and disappointment flying in the air. Was there any hope left? My eyelids fall as if I'm not controlling them, faint voices play in my head "Are you sure this will work?" "Yes, I'm sure"

My whole body goes numb and my blood stops spilling. Unable to open my eyes, my arm twitches more. An immense pain rains through my body. My body twitching from the pain, my legs untamed.

Then suddenly everything came to a halt. Everything goes quiet, I can hear a young girl crying as the rain outside stops. My feeling of hope is lost as the last drop of water falls outside. My body still, I'm unable to control it.

Out of nowhere, a shock blows on my chest. It feels like lightning striking me right in my heart, my heart undecided. A few surges hit my chest until coming to a stop. The crying in my head grows, almost as if it's multiple people. A tear falls down my face as I hear their cries.

My body draped on the floor like a towel, I have no feeling in my limbs. My eyes are hard like a rock. I try to force them open but they won't budge. I can't move, can't even speak. I finally give up as I lay there, unable to do anything.

Everything goes quiet again, no cries to be heard. Just me in an empty house, the house I once loved. The house that I used to run around in, the house I wanted to bring my kids to one day. The house I used to look forward to staying in every summer. That house had now turned into a nightmare. The house that was once a ray of sunshine was now a dark and stormy cloud. A place that I so desperately wanted to leave.