Choice's Curse {d.m.}

The Frightening Reality of Feelings

The end of October was quickly approaching, the air now constantly chilled and the smell of wet leaves and newly tilled earth greeting my nose every morning I woke. Classes were slowly piling on more and more work, and I still hadn't decided if I was going to forgive Cho, though we weren't on such awfully cold terms anymore. We had begun to nod hello to each other whenever we crossed paths, but that was about as much as I could stomach. Forgiveness had always been a subject I had never been brave enough to approach. It took a strong person to go through difficult things, but I don't know if I possessed the kind of strength it took to truly forgive someone. I had been wronged so many times over in my life that even the concept of forgiveness had become so wildly foreign, and I hated how easy it was to hold a grudge against someone and never look back, never see if they were worth redemption.

Maybe it wasn't fair of me, but life hadn't been fair, either.

When I had finally started talking to Ron again in Transfiguration, he had honestly had no clue I had stopped being friends with the group for a while, saying he just figured I was busy, which made me flick his ear in response. Ron was a wonderful friend, but sometimes he wasn't very observant. Hermione and him seemed happy, though, and it made me endlessly happy that the two of them had finally begun to wise up and see that the other had harbored feelings for them since we all met. I was...not jealous, not really, but more envious at first, because I saw how much they cared for each other and I had long ago convinced myself I would never be worthy of that kind of affection.

It was a brisk, stormy Wednesday, when it was announced that the first Hogsmeade trip would take place that weekend, which set the older students alight with excitement. There was nothing like visiting Hogsmeade in Autumn, the orange and auburn decorations strewn throughout the village, cinnamon and nutmeg floating through the air, and autumn treats filling every storefront window. Though Christmas was quite magical, there was something about autumn that had always made me favor it the slightest bit more.

Until Hogwarts, I had never actually had a real Christmas, never had presents or a feast or loved ones to celebrate with. My ten Christmases before had been spent alone, barely even noting that it was Christmasday, and trying to ignore the shouts and bumps from downstairs that seemed to fill my room as if my walls were nothing more than paper. Christmas at Hogwarts had been the first time I had ever felt loved in my entire life, and though some might find it sad, it made me all the fonder of coming back to school.

Walking to Potions with Hermione and Harry after studying in the library during lunch instead of eating (which caused Harry to complain incessantly), the three of us walked down to the dungeon, which had become increasingly cold and damp as the months passed, making it so we had to bundle up until the cauldrons were lit and the warmth of the various fires began to fight the low temperature.

We walked into the classroom, students huddling in small groups to keep their warmth between them, and I parted ways with Harry and Hermione, the latter giving me a small hug and the former just smiling at me before I made my way to my seat. Things between Harry and I were...good, really, we just hadn't found the time to talk about our feelings, though I suspected we both hadn't really been looking for a time to do so. To nobody's surprise, he and I had never been the best about articulating our feelings, and that was painfully obvious to all of our friends, especially currently. Part of me was also dreading it, as I didn't know if I was even capable of being a healthy person to be with, and a sinking feeling in my stomach was doing its best to convince me of that.

There were three minutes until class officially started, and the seat next to me was still empty, which made a small part of me strangely...morose. Blaise was in his usual spot, and Crabbe, who had somehow made it into this class, was sitting in his place to the right of him, so I had no idea why Malfoy wasn't present.