How am I feeling ?
It's one thirty am here and its one of the few days I'm up so late in the past fortnight. Couldn't sleep so thought maybe I'd write. So here I am, sitting cross legged under the dim light with my pink duvet on my lap.
Yeah, yeah, back to the question - how am I feeling ?
Well, here's the boring answer - I'm blank. Honestly, I'm tired of repeating this to myself.
What's been going on in my life ?
A lot.
Like, a lot.
Won't bore you with my problems 'cause I know we all are going through the same difficulties, yet I like to pretend I've got it harder than the others.
Why I'm blank ?
Maybe cause I'm tired of all this drama going on daily in my life.
Maybe cause I hate not having control, and the state I'm in right now, I cant even plan my day cause a new problem comes up every single day.
Maybe I resent the fact that my innocence and goodness is something I gotta change for the sake of my survival. Why do we convince the good to be like the bad and not the other way round ?
Maybe because all I talk with my friends and family is this drama going on in my life - tell me to speak about something else, and I'm speechless. And I hate how,this drama, already having done this to me, is also changing my relationships.
Maybe simply because the year is somehow almost gone and, and all of my dreams are too. Like, what's the point of hope if all it does is hurt you later ?
Maybe, for the first time in my life, I'm away from the two material things I love the most - books and studies.
Maybe I'm so pissed off since I can't seem to see the point in it all - trying or not trying, worrying or not worrying, crying or not crying.
Maybe I dont feel like talking to anyone because I'm drained and don't want to take it all out on those I love, and besides, I got nothing to say.
Maybe cause my problems are just so varied and weird, I cant even speak about them sometimes.
Maybe all this trying again and again has finally lost it's meaning for me, my tries are half hearted now, as if they themselves have an inkling they are gonna fail.
Maybe I've completely lost myself and can't seem to find a way back to me.
Maybe I'm finding it difficult to hold it all together yet it's slowly hurting me inside doing that.
Maybe all these constant emotions have got the better of me and made me numb, expressionless.
I don't care to feel stuff nowadays cause I've already felt it, I'm tired of this repetition.
You see ?
I've got a list of reasons why, but I'm not sure which one or ones are making me feel this way right now.
I'm simply drifting along, waiting for the day to pass, and I'm lucky if I manage to get something done.
I'm trying to rise up, but every time I'm just so close to the surface, something has to come and pull me down.
I just hope not to drown.
AUTHOR'S NOTE : Wrote this one a couple of weeks ago.
Gratefuly, I'm a lot better now and I hope I make it last this time.
YOU ARE READING
--Bridges--
PoetryOne of the favourite lessons reading books has taught me is that you're never alone, not alteast in thoughts and words. There are others who think like you, feel like you and react like you. It's like that sometimes, our unspoken thoughts are the b...
