What did I write down tonight in my journal?
Does the emotion and care you put into your writing translate through?
Can one feel it all the way across a room ?
I wrote the word unraveled, but I don't remember what I was referring to.
But it made me think of my poetry here. And how three years ago I spilled my emotions upon these lines.
I remember now. I was writing how I feel like the bud of a flower about to bloom. All that growth is about to pay off. And there's still anticipation left.
the bud begins to unravel, to bloom
And now I think of delivering food trays to the patients in the hospital and the word patient remind me of Rec therapy and rec therapy brings me here. And here is a day where I had planned to cuddle with a boy.
And the hospital makes me think of ale and ale makes me think of jazmin and writing this makes me think of my favorite book as a kid if you give a pig a pancake
But this writing isn't for anyone specific
It's just so that it exists and I can say it exists
Today Teresa told me I'm the one in control in a conversation
And I realized that I am in control of my life
I navigate it. And I love it
Love your life and it will love you back. I wrote that to my self on a glossier card note that now stays in my bathroom drawer back at home.
For some reason I thought of the book Veronica decides to die. I don't think I brought it here
And now I accidentally ntyped an asterisk and that makes me think of dylan who makes me think of grace which makes me think how we've distant off but also makes me think of how far I've come in regulating my responses and emotions; how I am in control.
For some reason I'm also thinking of edible arrangements, maybe because I thought about it earlier in the day because Tristan was on my mind since I was supposed to see him and how he said Saturday's af work go so slow and I remembered my Saturdays at edible arrangements
~~~
I wish I could tell myself then all that I have done and am doing all the people I have met, how my experiences have Worth, how I am worthy.
~~~
The word upload makes me think of when we went to Frys the store and Blake and dad were choosing a computer. It was in arlington but it felt light years away and remembering it makes me know that I am still myself that I have always been I am just budding and blooming again
Just as a tree or plant sheds its leaves or flowers many many times, it still remains the same, yet it's inherently changed.
Teresa also mentioned something else, about how you have to live each day or maybe it was Catherine
All I feel at the moment all I can see if when I was a Best Buy or block buster with dad. And me and Blake always went around and browsed.
This makes me think of how Lucas was in a car accident with tio moises.
Which makes me think of the washer machine mom gave tia adri.
And I want to stop there because Brasil reminds me of Lê. And le is dead. But I thought the other day how he's passed on, but he isn't dead. It's like that quote you die when you pass away but you die one last time when a person says your name for the last time.
Every day is the last day it will ever be that day
I get a new day
Now Im thinking about Black Fridays in del rio with tia tita
Which leads me to think of shipping at the mall with autumn. My chest hurt writing her name. My heart hurts. Maybe because I carried and held onto that pain for so long.
I feel invincible. I feel bliss?
And now I'm thinking of Vo's pool at her apartments which makes me think of me showing her the photos we took at Disney world. Which makes me think of my favorite top and now I'm thinking of my signature book from Disney and how it was my most prized possession.
Physical has always been my love langue. Items.
I thought the other day where along the line did items become so significant
Now I think of patty giving me my first hello kitty memorabilia.
Was it then ?
And how I liked andrielles better and how I wanted to keep her jewelry box. Which reminds me of the gloves from tia adris wedding. Which reminds me of how mom recently told me she doesn't know why she didn't just let me keep it and pay for them.
I guess maybe because that's how she is. Practical. She's rather do what's "right" and straight then bend to show she cares. And that's why I so desperately measure and account for love, if you bend your boundaries for me. But then again maybe that's because I was never show boundaries or taught to build them.
I think that's it. This is my note.
