Smile, Synonym

[24] Why She's Gone

They were there until nightfall and some time, during the evening, they had managed to light a flame in the dark.

The embers now highlighted each of their faces, eyes red that would possibly be swollen the next day, with their lips forming the most heartbreaking frown they could ever muster. Even Fletcher, who barely showed his vulnerability, was sniffling and in tears.

All five of them had been crying since sunset and it wasn't until now when their tears started to subside.

"Do you think," Noor began, finally breaking the silence. "Things would've been different if we knew she was...?"

Sam, who sat in between her and Roman, shook his head. "I don't think so."

Noor held her breath, more tears forming in her eyes. She looked at them all and asked, "Why didn't we care enough?"

There was a pause and then, "You know, she's been my best friend for years," Roman said, a small smile on his face as he recounted past memories. "She taught me how to play cards. I haven't played in a long time, so all I know how to do now is play Go Fish. Bet she would've taught me all over again if I asked her. God —"

Roman turned away and kicked the dirt. With his glass, Fletcher could see the mix of nostalgia and anger in his eyes. "Thea was the nicest person I've ever met. And I traded her for — for what? Levi and Andrew? Popularity? My desire to be normal?" He sighed. "Thea didn't care about all that stuff."

"No, she didn't," Sam agreed. He must've been thinking about something, about Thea, because his face lit up slightly and he chuckled. "She'd make these cheesy science jokes in Chem just to make me laugh. I'd actually laugh. And I haven't laughed in a long time."

"She was pretty, funny, kind," Sam continued. "Never in a million years did I imagine Thea liking me back. But she did and, instead of acting like the luckiest boy in the world — which I was — turned her down."

"Yeah, why did you do that?"

Sam faced Roman, right in the eye, and said, "Because I found out she used to be friends with you." Then he added, "I couldn't look at her the same since."

There was silence again as the two boys looked away from one another. It took another minute until someone else started talking.

"Have you ever seen Thea cry?" Noor asked, her fingers playing with the grass as she stared blankly into space, as if she was in a trance. When she saw Fletcher nod, she continued, still in her melancholy state. "I'd spot her crying behind the bushes after school and I'd always look the other way."

Noor shook her head like she was encountering those days all over again. "Til this day, it's the most daunting thing I've ever seen. It just felt so wrong. Thea Banks shouldn't cry. She should be picking out flowers, singing to birds — I don't know — just not that." She let out out a breath. "I guess that's why I always looked away. Because if a girl as soft-hearted as Thea cries, then its probably not a big deal. Maybe she might've stubbed her toe or got told off by a teacher. Maybe she was just being overdramatic. Fuck, I'm an idiot." Noor said at last before burying her face into her palms.

"You didn't know," Gabriella whisper.

"I knew she wasn't happy," Noor spat out. "I could've done something."

"But you didn't," Gabriella said. "None of us did. That's why she's gone."

Noor sobbed again, louder than she did before, and Fletcher saw Gabriella flinched next to her. She had this distance in her eyes, like she knew she didn't belong. Out of everyone here, she was the only person who didn't personally know Thea. She wasn't Thea's best friend like Roman, or her first crush like Sam, or even a simple acquaintance like Noor and Fletcher.