Smile, Synonym

[28] To Self-Destruct

Roman could think of better things to do than hang out with Levi and the others after school. Rock climbing. Card games. Doing homework. Anything would beat sitting in a diner across from the most popular kids in school.

"Ugh, they gave me the wrong order again," Sadie — the most popular girl in school — complained as she stared down at the plate of burger and fries, which was supposed to be a stack of pancakes. "This place is so lame."

"Then why did we come here?" Roman asked.

Sadie shrugged. Roman turned his gaze to Gabriella, the only person who he actually got along with in the group. She gave him a look in return, one that begged him to just drop it, before she averted her attention to her best friend, pointed to her meal and said, "Maybe this doesn't taste that bad."

Usually, Roman could manage spending an afternoon with these people. Heck, there were even times when he enjoyed being around them. But that was back when he was foolish and naive, and would convince himself every night that he was genuinely having a good time. That finally, finally he belonged. Now, though, he just couldn't — he wouldn't.

Because, ever since Thea died, it was like a tidal wave of realisation suddenly hit him — of all the things he could've done and could've had. Maybe, just maybe, if he chose to stay, he would have actually been happy.

And maybe Thea Banks would still be here today.

Roman couldn't shake the thought out of his system, no matter how many chilli fries he tried to shove into his mouth. You see, that's the problem with grief — it's knowing that someone you cared about is gone, but you still try to find them and end up disappointed when you don't. Roman knows that Thea would never be there — in the corridors at school, in the cafeteria at lunch, or even here at the diner. Not anymore. And none of the people around him would ever make up for the loss of her existence.

So, when he finally finished his meal, Roman took off. The conversations didn't stop when he did nor did any of his friends greet him a proper goodbye as he left. It was only Gabriella who took a minute to wave him goodbye and watch him walk out the diner.

At the moment, leaving seemed such a good idea, but that instantly turned out to be the opposite once Roman bumped into Thea's aunt.

"Roman, it's been so long," Aunt Miranda exclaimed, a smile on her lips as she reached out to give Roman an awkward hug.

"Nice to see you again, Ms. Banks," Roman said, trying to hug her back. "How are you these days?"

"I'm holding up. I moved out of my old apartment since, you know..." Thea. Bathroom. Pills. Yeah, Roman knew. "Anyway," Aunt Miranda continued as she pulled away from Roman. "How about you? You doing alright?"

Honestly? He felt like complete shit, but he couldn't say that, so instead Roman said, "I'm okay."

"I hope it doesn't get too lonely at school, now that Thea's gone," Aunt Miranda said, her gaze sincere and not leaving Roman. The longer she looked at him, the more Roman broke inside. "I never got to thank you. For being such a good friend to her. She always talked about you."

Roman froze. "She did?"

"Oh, she told me everything. From football tryouts to last year's game. Congrats on winning, by the way," Aunt Miranda added. "I just...I don't want you to beat yourself up for what happened. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I don't think there's anything else we could've done."

All at once, Roman wanted to yell at her. He wanted to tell she was wrong — painfully so — and he wanted to tell her how much they lacked when it came to being there for Thea Banks. She wasn't beyond saving; in fact, there were at least a hundred different ways they could've used to make Thea stay. The real problem was, they didn't do it — and that's what got her killed.

But he kept those truths to himself, because Roman didn't have the right to say those words. Not when he was a bully and a jerk, and especially not when he was the first person to turn his back on Thea Banks.

So, instead of fighting back, Roman forced a smile on his lips and nodded. As fragments of himself cracked and shattered, he wondered if this was what Thea felt when every person she cared about left her. And if so, that meant Roman was less of a human being than he thought and, most of all, he never deserved to have Thea as his best friend.

—

Roman felt much worse the next day.

From the moment Roman woke up, his impending guilt and regret kept trying to swallow him whole. He couldn't think straight, eat properly, or even focus on a single task. Suppose this was karma kicking-in, and all the terrible things he'd done have finally come around to bite him in the ass.

God, did he deserve it. And, god, was he mad at himself.

For what he turned himself into, for how he willingly followed Levi's every move, for all the pain he's caused and all the pain he will cause in the future. He hated every fibre of his being that it made him want to self-destruct.

So, it was no surprise that, when he found Noor smoking behind the bushes afternoon, he asked her for a cigarette.

"You won't tell on me, would you?" She questioned.

He shook his head and he took a seat next to her on the ground. She handed a cigarette to him, along with her lighter, a curious look on her face as she watched Roman lit the cigarette and put it in between his lips.

"What are you looking at?" Roman snapped, smoke coming out of his mouth as he spoke.

"Nothing."

They didn't talk to or look at each other for a while. Roman's eyes lingered everywhere until he noticed the pack of cigarettes in Noor's hand, which was almost empty.

He pointed to it. "I thought you said you quit."

"I did." Noor turned to him and casted him a smile that reminded Roman of the Chesire Cat. "I was hoping this would make me spontaneously combust."

"Are you high right now?"

Noor giggled. "Maybe." Then she asked, "Why are you smoking?"

"Because I want to self-destruct."

"Had a rough day too, huh?"

Roman nodded. He turned to Noor and asked, "What happened to you?"

"I got a B minus in History — oh, don't laugh!" Noor snarled, elbowing Roman in the gut. He couldn't help it — it was just a B and, considering how many straight As Noor has, getting a B minus would barely affect her general point average. But, somehow, it mattered so much to her. "I can't have a B. I can't have anything below flawless. It's either I'm perfect or I'm nothing."

"But you're Noor Rahal, the smartest kid in school," Roman said. "You're every teacher's ideal student and every parent's dream kid."

"Not to my parents," she mumbled, playing with the grass.

"Well," Roman said. "If it makes you feel any better, you can't be worse than me."

Noor perked up. "And why is that?"

"Because I'm a dick," Roman explained. "I hurt people's feelings, I leave people behind, I'm undeniably reckless." He pointed to himself and smiled. "A total dirtbag."

"If you're a total dirtbag," Noor said. "You wouldn't have a conscience."

Roman's smile faltered and he looked at her — really looked at her this time — and said in return, "And you don't have to be perfect to be good enough."

And, immediately, they both turned away, unable to handle the perplexing atmosphere they created.

Noor coughed. "Can we keep this between the two of us?"

"Definitely," Roman replied.

They retreated back into the quiet, setting their lungs on fire until sunset. And, despite the silence, both of them subconsciously became aware of how they were able to find solace in one another.