Fight To Forgive

My Saviours Are My Demons

When you are in the dark and in your black spot, if anybody offers you a helping hand, you grab it. With my miss-connections you don't check it or the people out. I take things at face value, never look for ulterior motives. It can get you into all sorts of issues.

I worked for a voluntary charity organisation. One of the ways we raised funds was through a number of charity shops. All our shops were run and operated by volunteers. One of our shops was having big issues with how the then manager was running the store into the ground. One of the other members of staff was being encouraged to be ready to take over. I inherited this shop into my group of shops and went over to help the 'potential' new manager.

There was a shop meeting and the old manager threatened to resign, and this was immediately accepted and the new girl took straight over. I was working at this store for quite some time to help her find her feet and work on the showroom to help get it set up correctly. I helped her identify issues and needs for the store and held staff training to put changes across to the team, helped remerchandise the shop the way that it would work for the new team.

I went in on the last day of work on this store, and was lying on the floor putting up some low level shelves. The shop had closed but I wanted to finish the job. It was just the two of us and she disappeared. I finished off and was just about to get up, and in she walked, stark bloody naked and said she wanted to say thank you for my help. Oh God!

Why have I told this story and how does it fit in here? There are far more people that have an effect on the likes of me than friends and family. A saviour is not necessarily a person who listens and helps. In this case she is my saviour at work. I was in a bad place and totally stressed about this branch. I wasn't sleeping and getting angry and losing focus. In taking on the role she saved me from the stress and strain at work and home because of work. She picked up everything so quickly and had the team eating out of her hands. The shops figures flew and I chilled back to my normal self.

She turned from saviour to demon in a split second with the words 'I wanted to thank you' and being their naked. My demon was just singing and dancing on my shoulder. I knew I had issues and I just did not know what to do or how to handle this. My demons were unchecked and totally in control of me in those days. I capitulated, and after when I got into my car I felt sick.

I know right now I am being shouted at by many readers. How could I? Why did I? The consequences? What about my partner? Cheat! How do I sleep at night? The list here is endless. The crazy thing is, from where I am at today, I totally agree with you.

But this is now, not then. Some of you already understand, what happened.

Although I did not have a name for my condition, nor an understanding of it, the problem was there anyway. It was fully in control, off and on, rampant, evil, unchecked. It was like a split personality, except when acting out both halves were fully conscious and aware, but the bad, evil, sick part held all the controls of my body. My true side, the person I am is aware, but watching through someone else's eyes, walking in someone else's legs. A human robot, mute and lame, being dragged and operated by the sick part of me. It could only be equated to a sick out of body experience. How I went home I do not know, how I tried to be 'normal' I don't know, how I justified what had happened to myself I don't know.

Time passed by and I managed to numb my mind and bury this so that life could carry on at home. It was another thing that eat me up inside, slowly destroying me.

My partner does know about this. She is an incredible woman that took this on her chin. We spoke of this around the time of 'Is there something that you want to tell me?

My partner was not undamaged through all this. In my confused state I saw my partner as a saviour too. She was well aware of my issues and problems. She seemed to accept them and the stupid sad things I did. She caught me watching porn and acting out. She knew about me and chat sites. She knew about nearly all of it, unknown by me. She gave me chance after chance to sort myself out. I did not know or appreciate the depth of her love at the time. The worst of it was that I was unknowingly by both of us destroying and damaging her. It happened so slowly we didn't see any signs.

When this came to a head, which is where this story began, I openly saw a consultant,

What I did not know till later, but at the same time she too secretly saw a consultant too. They very nearly did not let her come home. It was only for the sake of our daughter she was released. The price she paid for my sickness was being as close as you can be to a suicide watch. My poor poor partner. She is married to what? I had been in the past her saviour about matters from the past where she needed my help. Now, I was her demon.

This all came out after I had joined the self help group. When I was writing 'my story' I kept a copy hidden about the house. She found it by accident. We talked and talked in general terms about it and the issues. To this day we are yet to have a full talk about everything. We will, soon. What came from this was an understanding and a way forward,

Thanks to amazing help from my sponsor my issued and demons are a thing of my past. We are now working hard on my partner and me, resolving our situation and heading back to a normal life. You may not believe this, but I deeply love my partner and now as begin to understand the L word I am sure of this. To have put up with me and my actions there has to be some very strong bond and feelings there. I will work with my partner to resolve our lives, try to rediscover our love and rebuild our lives. And most important, evict ALL OUR demons