Fight To Forgive

The moment - A Leap of Faith

There comes that moment when you reach this, 'shit or get off the pot' moment. I think I will prefer to call it the 'A Leap of Faith' moment.

There are many examples of what I mean here. When interviewing for staff and its decision time between two people, the new car model and spec decision, a big home decision, by ways of an example. choice, or in my case to talk or not to talk.

By now, you are getting used to me and you will be looking for me to give some kind of example to explain the depth of the decision that has nothing to do with my condition first.

Well, I can tell you, I will not let you down and here comes a little life story to enjoy by the way of a little life story with a twist of struggle!

When we had moved into our current home and had been here a couple of years, the cost of being very careful with the oil and zoning and timing when the heat was on, given our location and the weather conditions, we were talking telephone numbers to keep some warmth into the house.

Matters came to a head when one night I was in my daughter's bedroom early in the morning, checking out a noise. Although she was warm in a duvet, I could see my breath, it was that cold. Looking around the house I saw mould in the extremities and some wooden doors sticking and slightly warping. This could not go on. I had to look out for what could be done that was green and sustainable and improved the quality of life.

After looking and many alternatives including a mini wind turbine with battery backup, electric boiler, condenser boiler etc etc. I was looking at a sustainable energy site, as one does, and two words popped out. Heat pump. What in gods name was this?

After some research I found out that if I took out my boilers, hot water storage tank, oil storage tank, loads of piping and wiring, I could install a toy that turns air flow into hot water. I am still looking for one that converts airflow into wine!! One day!

This new toy was simple, for a king's ransom, install it, turn it on, tell it what temperature I want the house and hot water and walk away and leave it alone for 20 years. We would have a house that was completely warm 24 hours a day and as much piping hot water as we could dream of for around 40% less cost than how we were struggling away with at the time, brrrrrr.

Two issues and two leaps of faith here. My partner and myself were at a very low point and most conversations were strained and this new technology, well if we did this there would be no turning back and we could not re-install the old heating system. I tried to talk to my partner on several occasions, but backed out at the last moment. Scared she would not listen, scared I would make a hash of the explanation, scared she would not trust me, scared I was wrong and scared that I could not communicate.

Eventually I took the bull by the horns and took the leap of faith that it would be ok and she would listen!

Well after running through it she surprised me and said to give her a day or two and we would talk again. I learned to listen and communicate properly the next day. We decided to go with it. The second leap of faith was she trusted me, my research and the contractor.

The conclusion here was we have this system nearly five years now. It is amazing! The whole house is warm 24/7. The doors have un-warped, the mould is long gone, the house is healthy and my partner and I are still talking well together and can make decisions together.

How bad is that??

So, getting more up to date. For some time, my demons were being held back as I worked very hard to control my emotions and those actions that could lead to a slip in my acting out. The thing is, I was beginning to realise that I was not healing or resolving any issues. For some time, all I was managing to do is push against the Dam wall while slowly, the pressure behind the wall was building up.

I thought that the odd afternoon when I tried 'controlled' acting out was me testing that my sickness was in remission, but looking back, I was actually acting out as if there was a small sluice gate opening in the dam to release some badness and reduce the pressure behind the dam. But I fear that sooner or later the pressure would cause crack in the dam wall and I could lose myself and all that hard work for a period of time.

As one of my forms of acting out was reading 'stories' from a particular site that was renowned for very strong content. I thought about this for some time and came to a conclusion and set about a small experiment,

Instead of heading towards the normal 'story site' I thought I would try to find a younger base story site with some or very limited interactivity. I thought that if I read some light romantic stories, it may just hold the build-up of pressure building up and give me a chance to address it.

I used google to try and find what I was looking for. After looking at a number of potential story sites, I came across what I thought I was looking for. It was a little simplistic, but in the age of audience that it was aiming at it caused no issues for me, but satisfied what I needed at the time.

However, over time I started to get bored with the stories that I was reading and they started to get obvious and repetitive. Whoever was writing the story, whatever its location and whoever its characters were the stories all seemed to follow the same path of obvious text. I very nearly gave up and would have sort out another simple level of release, but I started to try to find stories that broke these set paths, some mystery, some real story with depth and interest.

I discovered a couple of writers whose stories were a little bit different, that made me start to get involved and very interesting. I then realised I could look at the profiles of these writers and see what other stories they had written and more importantly to me, stories that they recommended.

Following this path, I came across a particular writer. Their style of writing grabbed me. Caught my attention immediately. The story was excellent on so many levels. I could not put it down, the words had me thinking. The more I got into this piece, the more it twisted and turned, the more it kicked back. This writer's work had something to say, a message, depth. I started to have a strong, healthy, emotional link to this manuscript. I started to cry at certain points, I felt connected and my demon's pressures were falling back. This story was doing me so much good, but I can't explain why. I was emotionally exhilarated, worn out and wanting more at the end of it. I started to read another of this writer's stories and the same thing was happening again.

At this point I wanted to look up this writer. I discovered that this person had an account on Instagram. For a little while I held back, thinking about contacts to other people on other sites, I don't know why, but eventually I sent a message to tell the author my thoughts on their stories how well they wrote. To my surprise and amazement, the author answered me. Again, I don't know why but we started to chat a little, then a little more. I was not looking for anything out of this, and yet my gut was telling me something was different. We kept talking.Then out of the blue I had this feeling that there was something happening here. Some form of connection. I figured that this person may just be as cracked in some form or other, like me. I then felt this feeling in my head to put everything that may be happening on the line and tell them my story. I don't know why, but if there were to be some friendship or whatever, I wanted this to be based on honesty and truth. So, I had this moment of pure courage and reached out to this person and took that chance.

She is now my sponsor and the person who has rescued me and has made me whole again. More of this part of my story in a little while.

But, too my fellow sufferer, if your gut ever tells you to reach out to somebody, even a complete stranger, be brave, do it. You never know what it will lead to. It could be that special reach that brings you your release or salvation.

Take that chance. Prepare to be amazed.