Fight To Forgive

Stuttering Engine

What we need to know here is what do I mean by a Stuttering Engine.

Before I started to write this short book, I thought it through in my head in broad brushstrokes, what I wanted to say, what I wanted my message to be. If you knew me you would know that I have a propensity to wander and meander along. I sometimes get to the point, other times I go completely off track. Occasionally I go so far off track that even I lose the plot of where I am going and can't go back to the original line of thought.

My next step, to prevent my ramblings and the loss of focus was to surmise once again what I wanted to say and like a management report break my thoughts down to bullet points. As I did this it dawned on me that these bullet points were the chapter headings.

When I was a child and we went out to the cinema the film would be cut in two and there would be an intermission, a break or a pause of some kind. We have reached the point in my story where I had reached rock bottom in my head. I could start meandering away about the bad stuff, which believe me I could do until the cows came home, or get to the point. So, from rock bottom there is only one direction and that is up.

This section is not about any particular moment in my life. I guess this section is going to be my controlled ramblings, my wandering off the main thrust of the story for one chapter.

To you 'the reader' this may be interesting from the point of view of sitting back and enjoying trying to follow my line of thought here, and good luck with that, and to the person that I am trying to reach out to, this is about road signs and hope.

When our nice car is new or just back from the mechanics, the beautiful V6 engine is purring like a pussy cat, ready to go and hit the road, But if one or more of the wires in the engine develops a fault or we have some dodgy fuel, when you put your foot down, the engine stutters and we need to stop and take stock or get the mechanic to check out the engine diagnostics.

I realise as I write this story that there were a number of times where I has been serviced and all that was needed was to go out on a run, put my foot down and blow away all the cobwebs. A number of people had held their hands out to me, but I was either too blind to see, didn't trust them or just wasn't ready.

One of the worst wires to fail; and cause the engine to stutter is trust/faith. It is funny, but as I put pen to paper' as they say, I thought I knew me and my story clearly and well. The more I write however, the more I remember and the more unanswered questions start to become clearer and the odd stutters in my engine in the past and right now are answered, or at least partially answered.

I am my own worst enemy. I often have said that I am a hard person to get to know. To people who get close, the more I want them in my life, the more I raise the bar, try to push them away, imagining that I am in some way testing them. Testing them!! My god, all they wanted to be was friends or lovers. All they knew was I was hurting and that they liked or loved me enough to try and, if possible, understand my pain or at the very least help take the pain away.

My problem was at each of those times I wasn't ready. Why? I didn't know myself why the pain was there, I believed I could handle this myself; I didn't want to let go, I was scared what would happen if they knew, I was scared, I didn't know if I could trust them.

I lost so many friends and lovers this way, but the biggest loser was me. To my fellow sufferer who may be reading this, this is a big one. No matter where in your cycle of pain you are, no matter the cost or how hard it is, take the hand of friendship and trust that person. They may unknowingly, or knowingly help you back onto the main road of life and take years of this shit away...rescue your life. They will not laugh at you, use your monsters against you and in many cases they will not judge. These people are rare, they may just have that lead or fuel filter to repair your engine and have it purring again.

The defences that we build up over the years is the wall. This huge wall that whenever anyone gets close, we furiously start adding more and more bricks, to keep them out and stop others. The wall gets so high that it blocks out the light. But still in my case I pushed, raised bars and fought. Now if the engine stutters and fails, if the battery goes all natural and manmade light is gone. Thank the gods that I never reached this stage.

I had friends in tears trying to reach me and help me, but I could just not see it, so well was the wall working. The blind fool that I was, I managed to drive these people away and only realised what I had done/lost as the door slammed shut as they left, too late for me to call out. I am sure that in some cases it may well have not been too late. It was me, being too proud to admit things or ask for that helper/hero/lover to come back and give me another chance.

As I write this story, there has been a minor miracle in my life. All my stars seem to have lined up at the right time. For now that's all you as a reader needs to know, this will come into this yarn towards or at the end of this tale. All I will say at this time is I have met somebody in the most bizarre of circumstances, when I didn't think I was looking at all. We got talking, I trusted (which is unheard of) and damn it, the next thing I knew they were past my wall, and worst of all....what wall!!!

So, to this person, I am eternally grateful and to my fellow sufferer, believe me, there is hope! The engine can be fixed.

I think it's time to wrap up this intermission. Time to put the wrappers and waste away and get on with my story proper.

One last thing, some lines from a song that means so much. If you recognise this song, these lines are as I remember them.

The stage is in darkness and clear

The actors and jesters are here

Who are the props in our play

If only they would listen now

Please no

Oh no

Don't let the curtain fall

These are odd lines, not even a verse, but you get the point. To my fellow sufferer, 'listen' is a two-way street. Both you and your sponsor/helper/angel need to listen and be prepared to understand and talk.

Enjoy the rest of the book.