Fight To Forgive

Connections

In a way, this is a strange chapter to place in this story. It is probably both the toughest and most important chapter here. You may think that this should have been the first chapter at the start of this journey and if this were purely a fictional piece of work you would be right.

I have thought long and hard about this and have come to this conclusion. The subject, connections, is so critical to this story I really needed you to have seen me mention it so many times already that you, the reader, are in the position that when I start talking about this will be able to relate quicker and deeper as to why this is so important. I have chosen this moment as I would imagine, after the contents of the last chapter, there is a hell of a lot of hate out there towards me and sympathy to my condition is wavering.

This is, I think the perfect moment!

Connections. What are they and how do we see in general the meaning of this word. Now a lot of this little bit does not touch on my condition, but you will see how it fits into the story. I hope this goes well because this is the nail that the picture hangs on.

So, connections:-

You are in a bar and a pint of lager is on the counter.

The connection is your thirst, the pint and your hand to pick it up.

The barmaid is wearing a short skirt, she bends over and you see her stocking tops. The connection is your eyes, your thoughts her legs and the stocking tops.

The light on your dashboard lights up for fuel. The connection is your eyes, the need for fuel, the question, where to go, the question, do I have the means to pay.

Your partner has bought you a book. The connection is your eyes seeing the book, your hands holding at the book, your ears listening to what your partner is saying, your mouth and brain as you say words to your partner, your heart as it appreciates the book.

The washing machine breaks down the week before payday and you are just back from holiday. The connection is Your mind, No clothes to wear, Repair or replace, who to contact, anger at the breakdown at the worst possible moment, fear that you can't afford this right now.

You get my drift. Every day you have thousands and thousands of connections. How these work and what they are make you the person that you are and gets you through the day. It doesn't matter much because in the most parts it's all automatic so there are no internal fights or lack of understanding. Now for the 'normal' person, this is the end of this section and you can say, 'so what, what the fuck was that all about. You read my story and call me an arsehole who is rude, improper, cant 'keep it in his pants' and deserves what he gets. I get you, I understand your point of view, but in the case of people like me, you are SO WRONG.

I will try to explain now what I need to say in a non-offensive way. I will try to explain in a way that if you re-read the last two chapters after you finish this one, you may be able to join up the dots. I don't condone what happened earlier in the book, I am not trying to give you excuses, I am not saying I am a Gods Innocent trying to find a way out. I do say that there are two sides to every story, two views and many reasons. I do say that you should put your personal rules and values on one side and give the other chap, in this case me, a chance and listen to what he has to say.

Most of the time my connections work perfectly, like most of the people reading this story. But there are times when it all switches off, connections either cease all together or short circuit or misfire and so on...

I phone the call centre because my broadband is not working. My intent is to ask if there is a problem in the area, can it be fixed and is there anything I can do? Now 15 minutes later the call drops. I call back and its 25 minutes before someone answers. By this time, where you would be frustrated, I have gone from cross to angry to furious, the connection between the mind, the head and societies rules any thoughts that the person taking my call didn't cause the delay or anything else has gone out of the window. Now my ears hear what the person is saying. Part of my mind is happy with what they are saying, but my self-control doesn't hear my mind is happy, and although my consciousness can hear everything that is going on as self-control explodes with the call centre I am now just a witness seeing and hearing, but unable to stop myself till they hang up or suddenly Mr Rational comes to the rescue to take the heat out of the situation....This is one example of connections issues.

Stress, anger, loaded shoulders, silly issues that just happen, accidents, loss of control of a situation...all these are typical situations that can cause these breakdowns. The breakdowns could last 5 minutes or equally could last 5 weeks. In the longer periods of loss of control, we seek solace to falsely massage our issues till they go. This is what I have called 'acting out' which could be looking at terribly sick porn, chat room sites, reading porn, wearing women's clothes (for a man), anger and shouting fits, totally irrational behaviour. There is so much more, but I think you get the message.

This is what happened to me with the girl in the charity shop. I knew I should not do anything, the surprise and stress knocked my connections apart in a big way, every part of me conflicted, my motor functions did one thing and ignored my heart, morels lost to lust, guilt outshone reason, my spirit looked ,listened and felt, but was powerless to move and that was just the first 5 minutes. Yes, I was a shit, Yes, my bits should be cut off, Yes, my partner should have chucked me out and much much more...But the other 95% of my life I am a great, caring, loving guy. Judge me on what I have told you here, not on your personal values.

One big thing about recovery is words like LOVE start to mean something again. You are so lucky! I have not understood the concept or the word for over twenty years. I, my partner, family and friends will all gain from my recovery as I re-join society. I am not looking for your forgiveness, I just would appreciate your understanding and cut me and the rest of us a bit of slack. We are not bad people but we are damaged. We can be cured though, but it takes strength and a special person, like my sponsor.