Fight To Forgive

The Beginning of The End

I have had so many beginnings, fresh starts, knock backs and failures over the years. My monster has changed his struggle and the ways he attacks me over the years so that I had to think long and hard over at what point I can actually say the words, this was the Beginning of the End.

I feel that an end can only be understood when I, or a similar victim, truly has a handle of what the real problems where, how to recognise the end and the steps required along the way. In addition, I really need to understand the slips and trips along the way.

The golden two words to be used in each of these areas are – Be Honest.

With this type of illness/condition the maxim is – If you can't be honest, there is no cure and no reconciliation.

It's a bit like a relationship. Once the love is gone, what is left is trust, without trust, there really is nothing.

So, in simple terms.

What are my issues?

I have to be honest with myself. I can cry about what has happened in my past that has dealt me my fistful of demons that love nothing more than play with my life. But, whatever the causes and no matter what they are, they are still my issues that need to be resolved.

In order to move forward I needed to accept that it is me who has to resolve things. But to resolve, I needed to understand what my demons had dealt me with in order for them to use this to drive me demented.

One of the best things that came out of the counselling I received during the self-help group period. During the first few sessions we dealt mainly with my life history and about where I felt my personal relationship with my partner was and where I felt we were going. I then, for another session, wrote a letter to my partner that was very open, honest and straight. My advisor had me read the letter out to her. It was so emotional that towards the end I could barely get the words out between the tears and the painful lump in my throat. She had me throw the letter out after I was done. She asked me just one question afterwards, 'Do you love your partner?' A long time later when I finally ran out of liquid to be able to cry anymore, we knew the real answer. That was the most extraordinary session I had or have ever had. That moment was the beginning of the end for me,

The next few sessions we talked about what issues were driven by my demons. She made me believe in myself and my self-worth. She then started have me look for and discuss the demon driven issues.

Anger, Immature Emotional Intelligence, Lack of Self Control, Communications, Stress, Low Self Esteem, Self-Destruction, Self Hatred, Remorse, Emptiness and Pain

What is important isn't going deep into each of these points but to realise the areas highlighted so it is simpler to work on over time. My councillor warned me not to overthink these issues to the n'th degree, just recognise the generalities and work on those, everything else would fall into place. She was right! True, as in the spluttering car engine, there were ups and downs with my progress, but on the whole, I was on the journey now.

What are the slips trips and falls?

Our next steps were to look at what the signs are that indicated a breakdown in my recovery. A sign that those damn demons were out to play. It's all very well knowing and working on the issues, but equally important is to become in tune with your body and mind. Till now the demons worked so quietly that their job was done before I realised that they were there. But knowing what to look out for reduces the time that I am under their control and more space between attacks. So, who are these guys?

Argumentative, Loss of Ability To Listen, Escape Routes (Porn, self sex, sexual literature, Chat Sites), Irationality, Mood Swings

As with the issues, I was advised not to look deeply into these headings. But even more seriously with these. I was warned deep thinking and exploration of these headings would have the adverse effect; I could actually draw myself into my problems. It was so important to act as soon as I felt the smallest hint of there. We decided that if we were working on the issues and they had reduced in intensity and these slips started happening, to try and be positive about it.

Why, you may ask? Because it's the demons knowing that they are in trouble and trying to fight!

So now my last question in this section - How do I recognise the end?

In three words I could just say – I Feal Clean

In reality, I think I would start to believe I was approaching the end when the following goals have been achieved.

Understanding of the Issues, Ability to Listen, Ability To Speak, Ability To Work On Issues, Self Control, Ability To Communicate, Loss of Need For Escape Routes

My real end will have been reached when my partner and myself have back what we had the day I proposed, all my demons have been pushed away, I feel clean and feel good about myself, I have the ability to communicate and find a friend to help me and not be pushed away, there is not any desire for my escape routes. I will still want to be a free spirit and push the boundaries, see, read and hear what I want, but no price tag as in the past because I am finally free.