𝘖𝘏 𝘈𝘕𝘈 - 𝘛𝘖𝘔𝘔𝘠𝘐𝘕𝘕𝘐𝘛

nineteen.

denial.

"i don't need help," he breathed, voice small and frightened. he couldn't be away from his friends. he couldn't recover - he didn't need to recover. all his hard work, his days of avoiding meals despite how hungry he had gotten, weren't allowed to go to waste already. tommy grew frightened as wilbur continued.

"you do, tommy, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i couldn't be there soon enough to help you, too."

"i don't need help! wilbur, please, big man, i can't go to residential. it's not that serious, honest. i can't be away from you guys! from you and tubbo!" he side-glanced his best friend at the mention of him, feeling helpless when he didn't return his gaze. again, he tried with the musician.

"i'm okay, i swear! yes, i passed out, but i promise it'll never happen again! i blame the stupid monkey bars, if we're being truthful here." wilbur shot him a look.

"i'll leave you guys to talk," the nurse interrupted, leaving the room with the other staff members. tommy looked between his two friends, frantically attempting to assure them that he was alright.

"i'm fine, guys. sorry to freak you out, but i swear it was just-"

"just what?" he turned his head to be met with a glassy-eyed tubbo, arms crossed over his chest in a defensive stance. "what else could it have been?" his voice broke between speaking, hushed tone lingering around the air.

he swallowed his words - figured it was too late to keep trying to avoid the inevitable, especially if it meant that continuing to recite white lies would only end with his best friend crying again. he couldn't be the cause of that.

"you need help, tommy," wilbur stated, allowing the boy's nerves to surface again. he didn't want to go to a long-term hospital. it just wasn't necessary.

"wilbur, big man, look at me-"

"i am looking at you, tommy! and what i'm seeing right now is a kid who needs help! you've got needles in your arm and a tube up your nose, for fucks sake! can't you see that you're hurting yourself by doing this!?"

he knew his intentions were pure, that all he wanted to do was help, but couldn't stop the anger growing in his bones for the man's obvious question. it was as if he wasn't living in the same body he was talking about - that made him do these things on the daily. tommy's face scrunched up as he pointed an accusing finger towards him.

"you don't think i fucking know that, man?! i know it hurts - i'm the one going through it! not you! not tubbo, not george, me! i know it hurts you guys, and i feel like shit now that you found out, but i can't just stop, it's not that easy! you're not the one waking up every morning wishing they could sleep-in so that they didn't have to make up an excuse as to why they couldn't eat! you're not the one who wants everyone to forget what they look like because they know that they're constantly being judged about it! you're not counting calories every meal you decide to have, or weighing yourself after every fucking workout, or staring at themselves a little too hard in the mirror to see if anything has changed, or checking to see the distance between your fingertips when you wrap them around your wrist because you swear the length was longer the last time you tried it."

wilbur's irritated expression slowly softened the longer the boy ranted, watching as his tone turned anxious upon continuing. guilt laced his mind.

"you don't think those things, but i do! i'm the one refusing to get out of bed cause i hate how i look, i'm the one writing in my notes page new excuses to get myself out of dinner, i'm the one passing out on fucking playgrounds, and i'm the one wishing everytime i fell asleep it were my last!"

by now, his voice had turned frenzied, teeth biting at gums to prevent any tears from making an appearance. he watched wilbur approach him, half-expecting the brunette to greet him with a hard slap on the face because of how back and forth they grew, though flinched to find out he was just pulling him into another hug. tommy contemplated allowing it or pushing the man off of him, up until wilbur began to speak.

"i'm sorry. we just want you safe, tommy. we care about you, you know that. i didn't- fuck, i'm so sorry. i didn't realize how bad it was. i'm sorry you had to go through that alone, you're so strong for holding on until now." he sounded gentle. comforting.

tommyinnit didn't cry, he was a man. sure, he was loud and annoying and obnoxious and found it hilarious when he managed to piss anyone off, but if there was one thing he hated, it was crying. being vulnerable was a weakness he couldn't manage to afford.

except, in that moment, on that hospital bed, in front of his best friends and inside a warm and understanding embrace, he felt that maybe, just maybe, he could allow himself to.