⏳ALL IN HER TIME ⌛

dear whoever is about to discover the crevices of me,

Dear Whoever Is About To Discover The Crevices Of Me,

Hi, how are you? How've you been nowadays? Any new interest or discoveries? Any super huge changes? Has any unraveling been done? Well, if not...I have a few revelations that might do. I've been reading this amazing book The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore, and it was a sensational read, I must say. Had me ponder a few things. Had me change my view on a few things. Had me wonder a few things about myself, and who I am? Usually, I'm one to get straight to the point, but in these matters, I don't know if I can. If you asked me, "Who are you?", in a pondering manner I would fumble, stumble, gibber, and be at a loss. Well, I do dress myself, speak with my own mouth and tongue. Think with my own brain, and feel my own feelings. How do I not know who I am? I still don't know, but I will tell you what I do.

I am the daughter of a mother who would've had her Dr.s or Ph.D. in Medical Studies if she didn't go to the one college that didn't give her the prerequisites she earned. I am the daughter of that mother, who instead, implored on her passion for cooking, and went to study culinary arts. The mother that found knowledge in many other studies she waged by the official degree protruding her work. I am the eldest child of that mother, who birthed three of the greatest treasures in my life. The mother that lost two of her greatest treasures in her life. I am the daughter of a mother who was hard on her in school because she had the brain of genius (a little prodigy some would say). A daughter that could've been skipped three grades in kindergarten. A daughter who also developed sort of an anger problem, which resulted in many principal office visits. Which then resulted in many parental talks, in which she learned: violence is not always the answer. In which she learned: Don't let people get to you. Don't let people control you. Don't take bullying. The backfire effect worked differently...and she did the exact opposite. She shut down, and let people control her. She fell in line, and directly into the hands of bullying.

I- I am the daughter of a man that should be in a judge's court, ruled by his name. I am the daughter of a father who wrote billions of words on papers made of thesis', discoveries, and research; on nothing he ever published. I am the daughter of a father who made it till twenty to have his first and only child. I am the daughter of a man who tried his hardest to stay out of the numbers, and lines of faults found in many other black men today. I am the daughter of a father who completed what education he could afford, yet still gains knowledge every day. I am the daughter of a father who's always been the manager, the charge, and pathway of a workplace. I am the daughter of a father, who gives his utmost to be the best representation of a man in her life. Who lacked that representation in his life. I am the daughter of a father, who was also the oldest child...So we have more in common. The daughter of a father who respects her utmost opinions, decisions, and feelings. I am the daughter of a father who produced a "child of greatness", as he says. Who will stay in school, get her education, and be the top of the class. Who will exude her talents, and never forget she is a blessed child and will do great things. I am a daughter that has a father. That has a dad. Who made sure education was forced on my table of life, and I would soon love to gorge on the food of knowledge. Who made sure my love for music and singing was embraced, and I grew in it. Who developed my love for Whitney Houston, and the phrase, "I was born in the wrong time period.", was consistent, because I adored the nineties he described. The father that pushed me to go outside, be active, and meet other kids. The father that developed my love for others, and friendship. That allowed me to climb in trees, and look like the crazy painter in Hercules because it was all in fun. The father that allowed me to be a kid, and never forgot those water balloon fights in the house days.

I am a child to many. To the 347 cousins spread all over the family. To the elders who need to hear, "ma'am" or "sir" at the end of every statement. To anyone over the age of 17, and the word is just tied in their vernacular. To the cooks of all the barbecues, thanksgiving, and backyard parties when I don't fully finish my plate, and that automatically takes me back to my younger years.

I am empathetic or a "softy" some would call. I cry in movies very often...I even had the record of crying ten times during five feet apart, because every five minutes someone was dying. Death is a very soft topic for me. Not in the way I necessarily am afraid of it. But I don't want to die or lose any more to death. I've come in close encounters with death many times in my life. Many that were involved with vehicles, a school bus: I lost my little sister in. Which also put a phobia of buses in my life for the longest time period. I would've had to get over that now because that's one of the most dependable transportations I have now. But that's irrelevant. Apart from death, there are lighter things. I get some kind of instant joy when I see a puppy( probably from the 30,000 I've had in my lifetime). I cry when something terrible happens to someone in an unexpected book, I've come to enjoy. I get a thrill when I go back to play a game or eat special food, I haven't had since I was 6, and I remember my idea of decency was to garble it all down, at the time. I get super excited when a favorite artist puts out a song, I can jam to while cleaning the kitchen. I open my heart when I'm in the mood for poetry and need her some truth in someone's words. I appreciate controversy because it brings out the passion in me. It brings out the creative brain, the researcher, the builder, the philosopher, the prospect, the idea.

I get angry. I secretly hide it and let it boil over most of the time. I may not be the best possible solution, but at least I'm not committing crimes. (The temptation to say "that rhymes" is so strong. (That rhymed tooo.)) So, I guess you could say I'm emotional in other words. Which isn't a bad thing.

I get distracted. By so many things in my life. Whether it's from the smallest forgetful mistake of missing a word in a sentence or a song I was supposed to play because it's my turn to have the aux. I go on many tangents, in any conversation I'm having. My brain travels 30,028,947,243, places a minute. I may forget to do the dishes because I just found this new sim Youtube channel that does a lot of spoofs. I may forget my food is in the oven or the omelet is cooking on the stove because I'm so invested in a book. It's all in good intention, but I am very forgetful.

In contrast, I am very attentive. I remember people from Crackback Mt. in elementary school or that one random fact, because it was on a shirt I liked, that I passed on target. I pick up small hints or clues in TV shows, and books because my winter brain instantly sparks. I notice a hair color change, a height difference, a mood change, or tone in an instant.

I'm very perceptive, at least I try to be. Sometimes that perception is weighed on by others heavily because I am a people pleaser. I am genuine about being a shoulder for someone to cry on. About my ears, and arms being open.

I am a person that loves. Even in the simplest form. I give it to others willingly, but need to delve more into myself. I feel it's a part of human nature. Who we are. What we are, and what we need. It has the power to change many, many, many things.

I am a giver. I am a seer. I am a listener. I am a go-getter. I am a fighter. I am a learner. I am a sister. I'm an artist. (To so many extents.) I am a runner. (To so many extents.) I am a butterfly. ( To so many extents.) I am a girl. I am a black girl. I am a person waiting for their history. A person who has no idea who their ancestors are or what country they come from. I am ambiguously, and proudly black.

I love my culture. My people. My skin shade. I love it all. I'm a person who knows, yet has no idea. I'm a person who has so much more to learn but has gained more wisdom through my hard times, and silence than a thousand false prophets. I am a soul searcher, giver, and hopeless wanderer. I am optimistic, and hopeful. I am a night crier. I'm a night lover. I'm a nature/aesthetic enthusiast. I am a normal teenager. I'm my own individual.

I have much more to uncover, and discover...

But, for now, I'd love to be a beacon.

A beacon of hope. Love. The unexpected. The unknown. Greatness.

So that's who I'll be.

Greatness, awaiting.

Sincerely,

The person you just learned the crevices of.