Stay (Tronnor)

The meet up

We were walking hand in hand through the forest, Troye and I. I felt so happy, nothing could change that. When we're back at my apartment, the sun is already on it's way down. I had no idea that we'd spent so much time on the bench. The memories of what i've been doing for the past few hours occur, and I blush. I think we kind of got carried away by the romantic atmosphere. We kissed a lot. I can't believe that it's true, but we did. And we talked a lot. About our feelings, about the world, about us. I had only just realized, that my feelings for him go way back. I have just never let myself feel them before now. 

"We should cook dinner together" Troye says, as I unpack the groceries we picked up on our way home. I look at him. I don't know how I feel about that, I usually never let anyone else cook in my kitchen, I like doing it myself. He notices my discouragement. "Come on, it will be fun! Really, please Connie, I have nothing to do otherwise" He looks at me, begging with his intense blue eyes.

I can't resist that, not when he looks at me like that. "Okay.." I say, reluctantly. His face bursts into a smile, and he hugs me tightly. When he pulls back, his eyes meet mine. Slowly, he leans forward and kisses me. It's a deep and intense kiss, and it breaks all the resistance I have left. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer. The kisses start to get more intense, and our breaths are getting faster. He grabs my hair with his one hand and slides the other down my back pocket. 

Suddenly, a high-pitched sound breaks the moment. It's Tyler, he is asking for Troye. He looks apologetically at me and says that he'll be right over. "Sorry Con, Tyler needs me. He is really sick and I have to take him to the doctor" I'm an awful human being for thinking like this, it's really selfish, but all I want is for Troye to stay. I'd really looked forward to this evening. "It's totally fine, Tro, don't worry. I'll call a cap for you" He nods and kisses me hard. "I'll be back before you know it, I promise it won't take long, ok?" I smile and nod. "Yeah, don't be gone too long" 

When he leaves, I realize how much I have gotten used to him being around. Whenever he is not here, I don't know what to do. I don't even feel like cooking dinner, and I'm sure Troye would be a bit disappointed if I make it without him. I look around in the kitchen and decide that today, I will have cereal for dinner. Judge me. I don't really care. 

I place myself on the couch with a blanket, my cereal and my laptop. After a couple hours just lying there, scrolling through tumblr and watching youtube videos, I start falling out of consciousness. When I realize that i'm halfway sleeping and drewling down my chin, I decide it would be better to just go to bed. But I still can't fall asleep. I lay there, just thinking about life, who I am and how I am so deeply in love with Troye. I look at my phone. No messages, and it is now 1am. 

Last time I was awake for this long, not being able to fall asleep was when I was depressed. I don't know weather I am over it yet, but I haven't had an attack for weeks. The most scary thing about it is that I never know when it's coming. Suddenly, I just feel empty. I loose the will to live and I start thinking about how useless I am. How nobody loves me, and that I am a total looser. Once, I even started cutting myself. I still have a scar on my wrist. My intention was to cut the pulse, but apparently something in my head convinced me not to kill myself, the pain would be enough.

I should have realized, thinking about being depressed probably wasn't the best decision. I can't help it. It's like this darkness in the back of my mind, and sometimes I am just too weak to fight it. I can feel the knot in my stomach slowly materialize. The tears start to pressure, and I know I won't be able to fight it much longer. I quietly beg for Troye not to be back too soon, before the darkness surrounds me, and the tears start pouring. 

When I hear the doorbell, I have only been asleep for about an hour. I can feel my eyes being red and swollen from crying, but there is nothing I can do about that. My pillow is still wet from my tears, so I change the pillow slip before opening the door. Troye is standing on the other side, looking absolutely wrecked from lack of sleep. "Hi Con" His voice is croaky and lower-pitched than usually. "Sorry for coming home so late, the line to the doctor was endless" "It's alright" I say and shut the door behind him.