Eternity

8.

I receive a weekly letter from Cesare, this is the third one and I cherish each one as if it were my own child. I write to Cesare about my pregnancy, it is only early stages and I may miscarry yet, but I needed to tell someone, i have no friends here at court and no power as of yet.

Cesare also writes that Luca is well and Rodrigo has arrived safely in Marridia. I miss them terribly and invite them to come to our coronation next month.

At dinner that night I tell my husband of my plans to invite my son and his ‘brother’ to our coronation, but he dismisses it ‘we will talk about it later my love, away from your gossiping ladies.’

Which is understandable as again the ladies of court are jealous of me and my position. But I have a feeling he won’t agree, we are still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship and have not yet argued and I know what he is capable of.

After dinner my husband leaves me to play cards with the other lords and I am stuck sewing with my ladies who say nothing the entire time. I feel almost as if I am a different person here. Here I am fuelled by longing and guilt not passion and drive like I usually am. After a few hours of silent stitching I excuse myself and go on a search for Edward who I find with the other lords but he seems to be heavily intoxicated, which isn’t the most ideal situation for a discussion.

When he sees me he escorts me back to our room and undresses me leaving me in my linen chemise. I crawl into bed and invite him to sit next to me, as he does the smell of wine grows stronger. I ask him again if I was able to invite Cesare and Luca to our coronation.

‘ I don’t like the man Cesare, can your son not come alone’I then tell him my son is less than five years old and cannot travel alone. ‘ Do you mistake me for a drunken fool my love, I am aware of your son’s age but I do not want Cesare here, I see you have feelings for him.’

I deny his accusations and in a fit of rage he grabs my neck and pushes me against the bedhead while pulling the sheets down and spreading my legs. I panic; I didn’t want this to happen again. I tell him that I am with child.  He stops he lets go of my throat and asks if the child is his. ‘Of course the child is yours.’I say softly while clutching his hand. I also tell him that the child may not yet survive but he completely disregards that and undresses himself till he is completely naked.

He climbs into bed beside me, I jump as his cold feet brush my knee.  He turns on his side to face me and I do the same thing. ‘I am looking forward to being a father’ he says as he strokes my flat stomach. I flinch at his touch, I am so afraid of what this man is capable of and his changes in mood.This marriage has made me a different person, a person I never thought I’d be.Weak.