Why We Broke Up || YeonBin

Letter #20

You have no idea how many times I almost called you.

It was especially hard during the first month. I always ended up with my phone in hand while I lied on bed; hesitating, contemplating and weighing the possible outcomes if I ever did call you. I was missing you so much, I still do, but during those few weeks I feel like I was going insane because I became so used of always being by your side. I was so used to hearing your voice every day and having to suddenly get rid of that habit was slowly eating up my sanity.

I think what got me through it was the fact that I would have definitely went straight back home to you the moment you breathe into the phone and that would mean, I was gonna risk it again. And I can't afford that happening so I really tried my best to prevent myself from doing just that. And maybe that's why I settled on writing to you, instead. It's safer. You won't get to respond but it still felt like I'm talking to you.

I got the hang of it after quite some time. The strong urges of dialing your number out of nowhere have subsided and I would just write to you whenever I feel like missing you too much. It wasn't enough, of course, but I have to make do of it until I can finally be certain that old man wouldn't intervene with some nasty tricks.

But, right now Yeonjun-ah, the feeling is back and I just want to hear your voice so fucking bad.

I miss your voice. I miss the way you speak when you're telling me about how your day went and the way you sound in the morning when you just wake up. I miss hearing you laugh and I miss being the reason behind of it. Yeon-ah, I miss the sound of your giggles, and your whispers. The way you murmur something against my lips when we kiss and when you're whining because you don't feel like doing anything but to just laze around. I even miss you scolding me, or just you simply saying my name. How you sound when you're asking for something but feels shy to do so and I miss how your voice sound in the dead of the night when we feel one with each other. And I miss you singing to me, hyung, when I can't sleep or just when you feel like it.

I could go on for ages about how much I fucking miss you and your voice but the papers I have might run out so I'll just stop by that.

Maybe it's because it's been a really long time since I last heard your voice that's why I'm craving to hear it now. The random videos and recordings we have that I have saved securely in my hard drive are just not enough, right now. I don't know, I just, darling I miss you so much.

And yes, I admit I'm feeling a bit down and sad today because of some things that I would rather not mention and the only way I can get to cheer up again that I know of is, talking to you.

I have told you that countless of times. How you have this ability to make things better by just simply talking. I don't know how you do it, but it works each time. Like, remember that one time I had a really, really rough day at work because of a stupid client we had that made us work so hard only to cancel things at the last minute and even complained about a lot of shits when all we did was follow his orders? I felt really gloom that time and totally frustrated that I didn't talk from work and all the way home but then you suddenly showed up at my apartment because I wasn't answering your calls and you got worried so you went there.

I think you found me burying myself in the covers of my bed. I wasn't sleeping but you thought I was so you approached me and placed a kiss on top of my head and then you got startled when I suddenly sat up and hugged you. You were so surprised then, you even let out a shriek before we fell on the mattress. Then after quite some time of nothing but silence because I wasn't answering you, you asked me what was wrong. I didn't respond to you immediately so you had to ask me again and that's when I told you what happened.

You were just listening with my head on your chest while you were stroking my hair because you know how that calms me down and then when I was done ranting, you spared me your thoughts until our conversation shifted to the next and I just forgot why I was so upset in the first place.

That's just how things work with you, I guess. You always have this magnetic field of happiness that leaves me with no other choices but be happy each time I'm in your presence. And maybe that's exactly the reason why I can't find elation lately. I just miss having you around.

But we'll see each other again soon. I promise you that. I love you so much, Yeonjun-ah, my little sunshine. And that won't change no matter what.

You grew roots in my heart until flowers bloom, spreading through my ribcage and rearranging my bones in a shape of a home.

—and I will always hold you there.