Ghost Scarab

Waiting Room

I sat in a hospital waiting room, numbly staring at my knees. Axel drove and they left the nail in Marc's leg after calling a doctor to ask what to. The nail could be holding an important artery together.

I had stood amid the sudden bustle of activity feeling lost and unsure of what to do. Feelings of guilt and confusion swirled within me like a dark miasma. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus. I didn't know how I felt.

Even though I sat next to him on the ride to the hospital, Marc didn't say a word to me. I tried not to read too much into it, he had a nail in his leg and was in pain but I couldn't help but feel like his silence was an accusation.

Growing up I quickly learned that good intentions didn't matter; all that matters is our actions and their results. Of course, it was an accident but what did that matter when the end result was the same and I was confident once they learned it was my fault I would be punished for it. They had been so kind to me so far, so maybe if I was lucky they would simply throw me out.

I replayed the events in my mind. The way everyone seemed to swarm around Marc. The way they worked together to carry him to the car without a word. At Marc's insistence Raven, Kevin and Brandon stayed behind to finish what they good at the site.

Marc had lied to them, claiming he did it to himself. The guilt that he might have lied to protect me was eating me up inside but I was too much of a coward to confess the truth.

It wasn't until halfway to the hospital that it occurred to me Marc might not have lied to protect me. He probably regretted having kissed me and was too embarrassed to admit the truth to his friends.

Sitting in the waiting room, I ghosted my fingers over my lips. My first kiss, and even with the negative emotions swirling within me I still felt warmth pool in my stomach when I thought of that kiss.

Axel was the one to talk with the emergency room nurses; in fact, he handled nearly everything. Axel sent Corey back to the worksite. I had no idea where they wanted me to go, but since Corey left without inviting me along I was left with no choice but to remain in the waiting room.

I sat alone. Axel was with Marc somewhere deeper in the hospital receiving treatment. I think Axel may have asked me to go with him but I was in such a state of shock I'm not certain.

The urge to flee filled me with nervous energy and my heart pounded in my chest. I needed to leave. I tried to convince myself that leaving was the noble thing to do. I had messed up and caught Coaltar's attention at the party. Would Brandon and Corey now be targeted by Coaltar because I had screwed up? Worst of all I had hurt Marc. I shot him in the leg. Who would I hurt the next time I made a mistake?

For all that I tried to tell myself that I would be leaving for noble reasons, the truth was I was afraid. I was afraid of being rejected after having been treated so kindly by them. If I left now, if I just walked away, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much.

I was a coward. I reached over and grabbed the pen Axel had used to fill out the intake forms for Marc. I pulled a subscription card from one of the magazines there. I was leaving but it wasn't right for me to leave without a word.

My message was simple, it said, "It was my fault that Marc got hurt. I'm sorry. Thank you for everything you have done for me."

I felt like there was more that needed to be said but the words just wouldn't come to me. With a sigh, I folded the message in half and addressed it to Axel.

I set the note on the chair, hoping Axel would see it, and then walked out of the hospital and into the sun. As I walked away from the building I repeatedly told myself that I was doing the right thing. I told myself this over and over again in the hopes that if I said to myself enough times, I might just believe it.