Do you know how many times I've dreamt and hoped that what happened between us two months ago never did? How many times I've reached out to you before I realized you weren't there? Too many for me to be proud of, but it's the truth. It's the harsh truth and I've learnt to accept it. I told myself that if you're happy, and I really loved you, I should be happy too, but it's harder than I thought.
You always told me that your love for me is a journey; starting at forever, and ending at never, but you were wrong. It did end, and if I say you didn't take a piece of my heart with you, I'd be lying because you did. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with it because everybody should have a chance at love. You don't love me anymore which means I'm not the one for you.
I know you may not want to hear from me since you've moved on to your real life now, but I realized I never had a chance to say goodbye so I grabbed my laptop and started typing the first thing that came to mind when I thought of you.
I remember the first day we met perfectly. I was running back from the library to my dorm room and it was raining. I had no bag and no umbrella. Just that stupid raincoat with the smiling faces on it. The one I remember clearly you hated. Thinking that just brought smiles and tears to my face at the same time. I was running and getting really frantic because the books I had in my hands were getting wet. You and your supposed girlfriend thought that the rain was the best time to kiss in the middle of the street because it set the mood and scene. I wasn't looking and I bumped right into her. I was apologizing continuously, but she just kept giving me a hard time and ranting about how I was ruining everything. She started calling me names and throwing shade. She didn't even let me pass and I was getting quite upset about my wet papers. Can you remember what you did? You took the umbrella that was folded in her hands, opened it and put it over me. Right as she was complaining! I remember being so stunned that you did that. She was also stunned because she stopped talking, and then, you grabbed my hand and started dragging me off with the umbrella leaving her soaked in the rain.
After that day, we were joined by the hip like old women that did surgery. Wherever you are, you better be laughing at my humor because it takes talent that you clearly always lacked; and pick up your jaw. I told you flies may enter when you do that. For two years, the hip surgery stayed strong and intact until it got shattered. They say good things never last forever, but I thought that was different with us. I thought you were my forever, but I guess we grew apart. And I was blinded by the love I felt for you that I either ignored it or didn't notice it. I didn't realize you stopped loving me. I'm not angry with you. I was always the naive one. I'm not proud of it, but I accept it.
At a point, I even started thinking that whether you loved me or not didn't matter as long as I was with you, but that was a selfish thought. I don't want you back just because I love you. I can't bring myself to force this relationship on you because I learnt and believe that the only happiness in this world is to love and be loved. I can't live with just loving you, you have to love me back. That is why I pushed that silly thought away. Not only for your sake, but for mine too.
The day you left, you told me something I'm still trying to wrap myhead around. You told me that someday, someone would walk into my life and make me realize why it never worked with someone else, but Brian, it worked with you. It worked with you so well and I just don't understand where it went wrong. So I'm giving that quote back to you. I hope you find someone that loves you more than I did because I loved you so much and I just want you to be happy. To truly love someone is toput their happiness before yours and that's what I did when I let you go. I let you be happy. Whether with me, or without me, be happy. I owe youthat.
Your love filled my heart with abundant bliss and to that I say, thank you. I say thank you to all the comforts. To all the impromptu trips to the snack store when I had cravings. To all your tolerance when I was being a rude asshole from PMS. To all the hugs. To all the kisses. Thank you to all the love.
You were always my favorite hello and now, you are my hardest goodbye. But it is goodbye all the same. I keep telling myself I'll get over it, and this is the first step. I thought you were the reason for my happiness. Maybe you were part of it, but not all of it. I am the reason for my own happiness. A smile is happiness you find right under your nose. I was happy before I met you and I am sure I will be happy after you; whether alone, or with someone else. So don't apologize and feel sorry for breaking up with me. That's dumb. Be happy because we just started a new chapter of our lives and we both get another chance at love.
Love sparks fly when you meet someone. That's what we both felt. And now that it's been two years, the sparks have dulled out. The main reason I wrote this is because I now realize what you realized those months ago. Don't settle for a love spark, wait for the wildfire. And thanks to you, that is what I'm going to do. You freed us and you saved us both from regrets. You don't have to stay away from me because of the breakup. Once the sparks are out, unlike a wildfire, you can't light it up again. We have so much in common and I'd love to see the end of our relationship become the start of a beautiful friendship.
I love you, Brian. I do. I'm not begging you to come back to me. I'm telling you I love you, not out of habit, but I'm reminding you that you are a part of my life. And nothing can change that. Loved you once, love you still. Always have, and always will.
