The Golden Boy ⚣

18 - ignorance

"I have to go home."  I barely heard myself say that before I ran out of there, pushing past the crowd of people and ignoring the curses they spat at me.

"Wait- Wait!" I heard Kile call after me, but I picked up my pace and ran out the exit, leaving him behind.

I'm sorry Kile, but I kind of just had a life changing revelation now and I need to be alone.

I ran up to my car and fumbled with the keys in my hands, and my fingers were shaking so much that it took me what felt like eternity to unlock the door. I barely managed to slip inside and close it before I saw Kile bursting out of the exit, looking around and then spotting my car.

He made a beeline towards me and I started the ignition before hitting the gas and getting the hell out of there. I felt immeasurable guilt course through me as I saw Kile standing in the middle of the parking lot alone, and shocked, but I just needed to get back home.

It took me almost 40 minutes to reach, because my hands were so unsteady that I drove at a snail's pace. 

"Hey you're back early." Mom said, opening the door and frowning. "Didn't you say you'd be back around 9? It's barely 7."

"I'm not feeling too well." I rushed, pushing past her and barreling upstairs, not bothering to explain anything.

"Arryn?" I heard her call in concern, but I just shut the door and locked it before throwing myself onto the bed.

It was barely a second before my mom was knocking on the door. "Arryn? Is something wrong? You know the rules, we don't lock doors in this house. Please open up."

I groaned and shoved my head under the pillow. "Go away!" I screamed, curling up and bringing my knees to my chest. "I'm fine!"

"You can't expect me to believe that." She paused, and then continued, "Okay, if you really want to be alone, I'll let you be alone. But I need you to unlock this door. I promise I won't enter."

I hesitated before walking to the door and unlocking it, tensing in anticipation for her to swing through but she didn't.

"I'm right here." she said. "When you're ready to talk, call me in."

I felt my eyes tear up and I slid along the door, sitting on the floor. I was having a hard time wrapping my head along all of this. Did I love Kile? 

I mean, yeah. I always loved him as a friend, but to fall in love with him...

My heart skipped a beat when I thought of him, and I gasped and clutched my chest again. I wonder if I'm dying of some heart disease, and just deluding myself into thinking it's love?

Why did I love Kile? How could I have fallen in love with another...boy.

Shivers ran down my spine at that thought, and I hugged myself tightly. I wasn't gay. I was most definitely not gay.

I'm not attracted to men at all.

But are you attracted to women?

Was I? I'm dating Evie right? Doesn't that mean I'm attracted to her? 

What does attraction even mean? 

Frankly, I've probably never been attracted to anybody in my life. I never had a high sexual drive, now that I thought about it. Porn wasn't a necessity to me like all my buddies, and the only reason I even watched it was because all my friends did and I just wanted something to talk about with them.

I got morning wood, that was biological. But it wasn't because of any wet dream or anything. I don't think I've even ever had a wet dream. All the guys would rave about how they dreamt about girls and stuff, and how they got boners so I just made things up so as to not be ostracized.