I Will Always Be Here

13

TW's:
-Mentions pills
-Nightmare (trauma)
-Depression/panic attack

Sapnap had to go and walked back home with me. When I was home my mum was waiting for me.

'Are you alright, sweetie?'

I shrugged. 'Clay and I aren't friends anymore. I didn't want to anymore. He said so many mean things behind my back, I can't trust him.'

'Does this have a reason why he acts like this?'

'His girlfriend seems kind of toxic. I don't want to talk about it. Did you get new meds?'

'I didn't, sweetie. They didn't want to give them to me since they gave this bottle just a week ago.'

I got mad and turned around. Without saying anything, I slammed the door and ran upstairs. I laid down in my bed, I knew what was going to happen. I would have nightmares all night. I didn't even try and hold back my tears anymore and I cried out loud. My life was a disaster. I even failed to kill myself, I failed in everything. It was getting later and later and I couldn't sleep without the pills, I needed them. I felt so hopeless that I stood up and walked to the bathroom, looking at all pill bottles. I almost jumped from happiness when I saw antidepressants which also worked for sleeping. I quickly took three pills and went to bed.

I fell asleep quickly, but the pills didn't keep the nightmares away and before I knew I was stuck in my own dream again.

We came higher and higher and before we knew the top was visible. I had been crying the last part, because I was so extremely scared. My sister smiled at me when I came at the top.

'I'm so proud.'

'I'm never doing this again.'

'Are you less scared?'

'Not at all.'

We sat down on the top and I didn't even dare looking down. I had tears still streaming down my face. My sister hugged me, but then it happened. I startled and screamed loudly. My sister screamed too and before I knew...

I screamed louder than I had ever done when I woke up. Tears were streaming down my face and I screamed so loudly that I woke up my parents. My dad ran into my room and kneeled down next to my bed. He stroke through my hair and he hugged me.

'It's okay, George. It's going to be okay.'

'I'm so scared.'

'Did you have the same nightmare again?'

I nodded and cried my whole pillow wet. I was so extremely scared and tired.

'Dad, I don't want to go to school anymore and I don't want to sleep anymore.'

'George, you have to.'

'Everything is breaking me.'

'Tell me what happened, George.'

'Clay hurt me so much and we aren't friends anymore.'

'Why not?'

'He said so many bad things behind my back and it hurts so badly. I can't forgive him.'

'You have to take your time to forgive him.'

'I don't think I will ever forgive him.'

'I think you can, George. You love him, he is your best friend.'

'Dad?'

'I loved him in a different way.'

'I know, sweetie. I know.'

'How did you know?'

'The way you look at him, the way you always talked about him, how you acted with him.'

'I still love him,' I whispered.

'I know, that's why you should forgive him.'

'I'm just so jealous and broken.'

'Jealous?'

'He has a girlfriend now.'

'Do you wish him to be your boyfriend?'

I bit my lip and nodded. 'But he would never want to, since he secretly hates me.'

'What did he say about you?'

'I would rather not talk about it.'

'That's fine. Do you want to talk with me about anything else?'

'Dad,' I started. 'I love him so much.'

'I know you do.'

'Are you okay with me being gay?'

'Yes, sweetie.'

'Does mum know?'

He shook his head. 'I don't think so. Do you want to tell her too?'

I nodded. 'I want to be over it directly.'

My dad called my mum and she walked to my room, kneeling down too. Her hand stroke my hand and she looked at me. 'What?'

'Mum, I'm in love.'

'Aww, with who?'

'C-Clay.'

'Oh, sweetie.'

'I'm gay, mum.'

'It's totally fine, George. It's totally fine.'

'No, it's not. I'm in love with Clay and he hates me.'

'What do you like about him, George?'

'How sweet he always was to me, how cute he is. His personality WAS so great.'

'It still is, he didn't change, there is something behind this.'

'I can't forgive him.'

'It's fine if not, but I think you will.'

'Why?'

'Because your love is strong. Stronger than everything that's happening right now.'

'He will never love me back like this.'

'You don't know that, we saw how you guys acted around each other,' my dad said.

'Like what?'

'Like he was in love.'

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