My Only 1 (Njomziana)

11

—ARIANA'S POV—

I had screwed everything up. Why can't I ever have good things in life? Good things that last. I always manage to ruin it somehow. I didn't mean to kiss Mikey, I really didn't. I was just drunk, but I knew that that wasn't good enough an excuse. There was no excuse for cheating on my fucking girlfriend.

I barely remember what happened that night. One second I was dancing and laughing, and the next I was on top of him, kissing him and- I don't even wanna think about it. I want Njomza to forgive me, but I know I don't deserve it. I deserve nothing, after what I did to her. 

Myron nuzzled my hand, asking for more belly rubs. The corners of my mouth lifted in a slight smile as I softly pressed my lips to his head. I'm so tired of losing friends, but at least I had my dogs. Maybe I can just hide away with my dogs and Piggy forever, in a faraway home, away from the guilt and shame and humiliation I felt at this moment. 

My hand still stroking Myron's brittle fur, I picked up my phone from the nightstand and turned it on. I saw the notifications from the calls Njomza was telling me off about earlier, my eyes watering a bit at the name I had her contact saved under. 

my one and only 🤍

And she really was. She was my one and only, the only person I loved this way. I wish I could tell her, but I know she wouldn't be there to listen. I'm surprised she even came back for me. If I were her, I would expose the shit out of me, ruin my career, and then leave me to die all alone, known as the disgusting cheater forever. 

I opened the Twitter app, my fans' tweets filling up my timeline. 

"@ArianaGrande thank you for saving my life over and over again. i love you so much." One said.

"ariana is really my favorite person ever. the sweetest and most deserving soul. i hope she's been doing well 🥺" Said another.

This was one of the things I loved most about my job, seeing all these people that I had inspired and brought together. It really made all the trolls and hate comments bearable. In a sense, my fans have saved my life just as much as I've saved theirs. They truly cared about me and made me feel valued, wanted, and loved. 

B-but, what would they think of me if they knew what I did to Njomza? They would all hate me, every single one of them. Who would still be a fan of Ariana Grande if they knew what a cheating bitch she was? 

I have to fix this. I can't let everyone down. I need to take responsibility for my wrongdoings, and make things right with Njomza, even if it's the last thing I do. Steadying my nerves, I set my phone back down on the nightstand and stood up, walking to the door. Myron followed me curiously, his tail wagging back and forth. 

The plan is to go find Njomza, wherever she was, and give an apology speech before she can interrupt me. That couldn't be that hard. I've done lots of speeches before, I can do one again. 

Breathe Ariana, breathe. 

I exited the room, wandering along the hallway until I found Njomza sitting in the study. She looked up at me as she heard me coming in, her eyes slightly red and puffy, probably from crying. Though I knew she still hated me, I wanted nothing more than to run into her arms and hug her and comfort her. 

"Hey," I began, avoiding her eyes. She remained dead silent, her cold stare burning into my face. I went red with anxiety, already regretting my decision to speak to her. "I-I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for everything."

She didn't respond, just kept looking at me with her unwavering glare, unmoved. 

"I totally understand if you don't want to forgive me, but I really am sorry." I continued, pacing across the room. "I never wanted to hurt you. I drank too much, I didn't know what I was doing. I know that that's not a very good excuse, but it's the truth, take it or leave it. Now, I don't know if you would ever want to be my friend again, much less my girlfriend, b-but I still love you."

My voice dropped at the last bit, unsure of whether I should've told her that I still had feelings for her. I glanced at Njomza hopefully, waiting for her to break the awkward silence that had fallen between us. When she didn't say anything, I bowed my head and started towards the doorway, taking her silence as a sign to leave her alone. 

"Ari,"

I felt my heart jump at the sound of her voice. Pausing in my steps, I turned to her, forcing a small smile on my face. 

"Let Courtney know you're alive. She was worried about you. She'll be home soon."

The smile on my face faltered. That was not the response I was hoping for, but hey, at least she didn't yell at me. How do I tell Courtney about what happened? Do I just go up to her and say, 'oh hey Court, I cheated on my girlfriend and now she's mad at me'  ? That would just lose me another friend. 

"Alright. Thanks for telling me." I replied. Taking one last look at her emotionless face, I headed down the hallway to my room. I considered going back to Njomza's room, but I didn't want to anger her any further. Though last night went by in a blur, I remember heading towards her room first thing when I got home, just to be surrounded by the familiarity of her scent. I miss her. I miss cuddling in bed with her, I miss kissing her, I miss hugging her. I just want her back. 

My eyes stung with tears as I sat on my bed, mentally screaming at myself. How could I have messed up such a great thing? Why did I have to be so careless? I should've known better. Waves of dizziness rushed over me, and I felt a panic attack coming on. My chest started constricting, threatening to suffocate me. I grabbed the pillow beside me and planted my face into it, muffling my sobs and gasps so as to not disturb Njomza. My head hurt, everything hurt, but I couldn't seem to get a full breath of air. 

I'm gonna die I'm gonna fucking die. I screamed silently into the pillow.

Come on come on, just name 5 things you can see,

I remembered the grounding method my therapist taught me, but I could not see anything through the fabric of the pillow. 

Darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, and darkness. 

4 things you can feel,

Pain, the wetness of my tears, my nails digging into my skin, and um my lungs collapsing. 

3 things you can hear, 

Myself, Myron whimpering, and...the garage door opening?

Moments later, I heard a door slam shut downstairs as someone entered the house, followed by Courtney's voice, declaring:

"Now what the fuck is going on with you two?"