Write Me A Letter

56 | twelfth

CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX | T W E L F T H

             BRIE BOUNCED HER LEG in time with Izzy's fingers as it drummed on the table. The sound was a steady rhythm, flowing in a continuous beat that ironically didn't make Brie feel any bit relaxed. She watched with pursed lips how Izzy exhaled, wing-lined eyes focused on the green light from the mosaic window that touched her golden skin.

How should Brie begin? Was there an easy way to do so?

"It's been three minutes now," Izzy suddenly said, but her eyes stayed where they were. "I'm here with my friends and not with you. I hope you're conscious of that."

Brie swallowed and tried to wrack her brain for the right words, wishing they would just slide off her tongue without a mistake because lately, that was what all she could do—a mistake. Wrong decisions, wrong assumptions, wrong acts, wrong beliefs. Everything. How could she trust herself to do the right thing when she had been mistaken all this time?

Her heart pounded in her chest and she felt like she was thrashing in that ocean again, desperate for something to hold onto but only wrong boats surrounded her. She wished she could swim, she wished to breathe, but truth was, Brie knew she had to drown first—lose control before she could paddle again.

Footsteps neared their table and Brie looked up to see Troy's sympathetic smile. He didn't say anything, just offered a quick and gentle squeeze on her shoulder as he placed down two plates of waffles and cups of coffee. The food smelled divine, a sweet treat in a bitter moment that made her tongue feel numb. A smile teased Brie's face when she spotted the familiar cat teaspoons as Troy laid them over a stack of napkins. Then, an idea came to her mind.

"Troy."

He looked at her with surprise. "Yeah?"

"Do you have a pen?"

Troy glanced at Izzy who let out another sigh and shifted in her seat. Though confused, Troy pulled out a pen from his breast pocket and handed it to her.

"Thanks." She wrapped her hand tight around the pen as if it was her lifeline.

Maybe it was. Maybe she had been looking for the wrong boat all this time. Maybe she didn't have to learn how to swim yet, maybe her own words were her salvation. She just needed to learn how.

"Alright," Troy dragged out the word, giving her a skeptical look. "If there's anything else you guys need, I'll be at the counter playing with the cats."

Izzy rolled her eyes and Brie pulled a sheet of the napkin. Pushing her hair behind her ear, she poised the pen over the soft sheet and wrote.

Izzy. No. She crossed that out with a frown. Hi, she tried again, only to cover the word with angry strokes of frustration. She looked up at the woman in front of her whose eyes remained glued to the multi-colored sunlight that danced on the table.

It suited her, Brie thought. Izzy was beautiful with long sleek brown hair and eyes that were warm but sophisticated. For a really long time, she hated Izzy. In her head, she painted her beauty as nothing but artificial, a superficial and overrated beauty that wasn't natural. But the truth was she was just jealous of this woman.

Jealous of the way she carried herself with confidence and finesse, by how much she was loved by her friends. Even Yuki cared about Izzy in her own way. How could they not? Brie could never blame Xander for loving her. She could feel envious, but she couldn't deny the fact that Izzy was a lovable person despite their previous issues.

Izzy was beautiful. Xander chose her. But that didn't make Brie less. Someone will choose you. Her dad's words echoed in her ears, the sound may have faded through the years, and for a long time she had forgotten about it, but as she looked at Izzy with her Troy's pen poised over the napkin with a cat's paw print, Brie heard the words again. It was at its loudest again.

Xander may have chosen Izzy. He may have chosen her too late. But that didn't make her less—not owning up to her mistakes was what made her drown, was what made her less of the person she aspired to be. She was her own catastrophe.

Swallowing hard, Brie scrawled hastily on the napkin. Tears blurred her eyes as she repeated the words again and again on the soft sheet.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorr—

A long ugly line drew itself on the table when Izzy pulled the napkin. Brie gasped, her hands turning cold as she watched Izzy's eyes scan the sheet with no emotion. She just stared at the paper, and Brie watched her reread the same words again and again. It was a broken string of shaky letters and failure, bold and scratched on the soft surface.

Then finally, when Brie thought she was gonna sink into the ocean of regret, Izzy squarely met her tear-stained eyes. Her fingers tightened on the pen in anticipation.

Izzy's voice was steady when she spoke. "I'm the one who pushed you and made you bleed but why are you the one apologizing?"

Why? The reasons were piled up like stacks of letters that apologizing for them felt futile, but she tried. "Because I made you bleed in a way that was worse." Izzy's hand curled into a fist and surprise flickered in her eyes. Brie gave her a small sad smile. "Because I kept on hanging out with him when you asked me not to. Because I didn't make him stop when it was still early. Because I secretly enjoyed it. Because I pushed you when you trusted me."

A tear rolled down Izzy's rosy and glittered cheek. She shook her head with a laugh that sounded both pained and angry, but relieved. She opened her mouth to say something only to pause and just stare at Brie with shaking lips until she burst out crying. Startled, Brie stood and rushed to her, unsure whether she should touch her or not.

Izzy's shoulders shook, sobs raking her body as she pressed her hands to her eyes. The pain of seeing her like this, and knowing that she was the one who caused it made Brie's throat tighten. Her hands curled into tight fists at her sides as she remained standing there next to Izzy.

How could she be so blind before? How could she assume that she was the only one hurting? How could she think that she could've never made Izzy cry too?

With trembling fingers, she tentatively reached out to Izzy. She placed a gentle hand on her shoulder first, making Izzy freeze. Brie anticipated an angry shove, but instead, Izzy only cried harder. That sound was like a call to Brie, an invisible string that pulled her out of the depth of the ocean, and so she bent down and hugged Izzy.

She hugged her with all she could and her shoulders sagged in relief when Izzy wrapped her arms around her too. She didn't care if everyone else was watching them, she didn't care if she looked like a mess, because for this first time in a long time, she could float again.

-

Happy New Year!