Convergence

Nineteen

Time alternated between flying, to crawling at a snails pace. But the one constant was the ache in my heart.

October
~ Hey, what are you up to?
~ Nothing much, taking it easy
~ Are you still working?
~ No I'm done for the year, I'm exhausted
~ It was a little frantic
~ That's an understatement
~ Guess that's my fault
~ Nah it was okay
~ Hopefully we can do it all again next year
~ We'll see. I have to dash, lunch with Clara
~ Bye then xx
~ Bye xx

He had taken to messaging me every few weeks. Nothing long or meaningful, just a short little conversation. Checking in with me, saying hi. I rarely messaged him, I never knew what to write. I love you, I miss you, I'm miserable. That's what I really wanted to say, but I couldn't do it. Instead I answered with small talk, telling him I was fine. I stayed in my little cocoon at my brothers house, shut away from the world.

November
~ Hi there, are you okay?
~ Hey, I'm fine why?
~ It's just that you look like you've lost a lot of weight, are you alright?
~ I'm fine, it's for a film
~ Oh okay
~ Thanks for worrying though
~ Sure. Nice to hear from you x
~ You too, talk soon x

My heart had dropped when I'd seen the pap photo of him looking gaunt and fragile. I couldn't help myself, I had messaged him, I had to know he was okay. I sighed as I put my phone down. I almost wished we would stop all communication, but the thought of never again seeing his name pop up on my phone was too much to bear. So instead I waited patiently for his random messages and then spent the next few days pining for him and what might have been.

December
~ Merry Christmas Charlie xxx
~ Merry Christmas to you too xxx
~ Where are you? Your Snapchats look beautiful, you always take gorgeous photos
~ Thank you. We're at the Lakes
~ Is it nice?
~ It's snowing today and so peaceful, just what I needed. You?
~ That sounds perfect. I'm home, spending it with Shannon and some friends. Nothing special
~ That's nice too
~ It's okay
~ Well, enjoy the rest of the holidays xx
~ Yeah, you too xx

I knew he looked at my Snapchat, there wasn't one he didn't see. I sat in the window seat, staring out of the window watching the snow fall. Just as I'd told him, it was beautiful and peaceful. We had gone to the Lake District for Christmas, a beautiful old house on a farm, in the middle of nowhere. I could hear laughter and excited chatter coming from downstairs. I was happy to stay up here and rest. My heart ached. I was tired, exhausted actually. I heard a soft knock at the door, "come in" I called out. In walked Raf, holding a warm mug of something delicious. "Hot chocolate?" he said smiling. "Thanks" I replied nodding. He came over passing it to me and sitting down. "Are you going to stay up here the entire time?" he asked raising an eyebrow. I took a sip and shrugged, "I'm quite happy up here, it's warm and the view is great" I said. He frowned, "Charlie, it's Christmas Eve" he said. "I'll come down, later" I said. "That's what you've said the last two nights" he said. "Charles is mad at me" I said biting my cheek thoughtfully. "He loves you, he never stays mad at you for long" he said shaking his head. I took a sip, "thank you, for the hot chocolate. You can go back down and have fun" I said smiling. "No, we're all opening one present tonight. Now come on, I got you something great" he laughed standing up and holding out his hand. I sighed taking it and letting him lead me downstairs. Everyone was happy to see me, Clara came over hugging me excitedly. I saw Charles turn to look at me from the other side of the room, he frowned slightly and made his way over. "What is it?" I asked him with a sigh. "Nothing, you look poorly, I'm worried about you" he said. "Poorly, that's what nan used to say" I said with a smile. "Well you do, you look tired" he said, he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. "I can never stay mad at you. You're my other half" he said softly rubbing my back, I nodded feeling better hearing those words. "Raf tells me he proposed, so did you accept?" he said with a laugh. I looked up at him, shaking my head. "Ah no" I said laughing as well. "Why not darling, we're so good together and I hate seeing you look so miserable" said Raf taking my arm and pulling me away from Charles into his arms. "Thanks for the offer, but I'll be fine" I said with a small laugh. "You're all invited to the wedding! No date yet, we'll keep you posted!" he called out across the room loudly. Everyone cheered and laughed, I shook my head and groaned. "Let's snap this moment of glory" said Raf taking my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans. "No, no, I look terrible!" I said quickly. "Smile baby!" he said laughing. I rolled my eyes and gave a half hearted smile, I watched as he put a filter on it and posted it. "What did you even put on it?" I asked curiously. "Nothing, just having a laugh" he said grinning. "You're always having a laugh with my phone" I said shaking my head. "I do get a kick out of it" he said. "You got a message" he said looking down at the screen a few minutes later, he frowned and passed it to me raising an unimpressed eyebrow. "Of course" he said in a snarky voice. I sighed as I saw the name. Twice in one day, he must have seen what Raf posted, I probably should have looked at it.