Already Mine (Lalex)

Chapter nine

Garage/Studio Monday 10:13pm 1994

Luke Pov

After leaning up against the doorway, soaking up every word that flows out of Alex's vocal chords, tears building up in my eyes, I take a few steps forward, fully entering the studio. "Alex?" My voice cracks.

His widen eyes shoot straight up to meet mine, nearly tripping as he stumbles off of the bench. He places himself in front of the piano, wiping away whatever stray tears he missed earlier. "Wha- what are you doing here?" He stutters nervously.

I ignore his question, "That was beautiful" I complement as I stroll nearer to him.

With merely a space of six feet between us I stand in front of him, admiring his features such as his soft redden cheeks from the tears.

Alex turns his attention to the piano and back to me, throwing his left hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it anxiously. "You ah, you heard that?"

"Most of it."

Alex sighs, his cheeks heating up from embarrassment.

"You wrote that?" I ask, wandering over to his song book on the piano.

Alex rushes over, beating me to it as he sprawls himself over the grand piano, reaching for the book and holding it close to his chest. "It a- it nothing." He answers as he straightens his clothes.

"Didn't sound like nothing." I infer, us both now on separate sides of the piano. "That's really how you feel?"

"I don't know what you-"

"Do you-" my eyes welled up with tears, "Do you feel like you're only a friend? Like things are different, and you have to... to try to fall back in love with me? Does it really feel like you don't know me anymore? That our love is gone?"

Alex catches a breath, gripping underneath the piano to where his palms rest on the sides. His eyes begin to shimmer due to built up tears. His mouth opens and closes repeatedly, as if each time he has the intention to say something but can't bring himself to.

His silence answers my questions. It's simple to deny something but to confirm? That's a challenge. A challenge that Alex is clearly portraying. I nod, pocketing my hands and backing up from the piano. "Got it." I head for the doors, having no intention of staying in here any longer.

"Where are you going?" Alex voices.

I turn around, "Oh, he speaks!"

He scoffs, "Don't give me that. Where are you going?" He repeats.

"Anywhere but here."

"You serious?" His voice rises as he throws his hands up into his hair. "You're just leaving?"

"Give me a reason I should stay." I reply harshly.

"Me! I'm the reason!"

"Well I mean you're only a friend right? That's what your song says."

He shakes his head, "You can be hurt. You can, I never meant for it to hurt you. It was just for me. But you can be hurt, you have your right to your feelings. Just like I have the right to my own. I should be able to express how I feel without being judged or mad at!"

"Well I am! Okay? I'm hurt and I'm mad. I'm doing my best here, Alex. And you just can't accept this is my best. You'll always want more from me."

His mouth widens, "Oh you can't be serious.  I have only wanted one thing from you. One thing! To be yours."

I sigh, running my hand across my face, "You are mine Alex."

"No I'm not." He chokes, "I'm something you want when it's convenient for you. I'm something that's never in your way."

I take a step forward, my temper cooling down, "That's not true alex."

"You treat me like some hidden toy, Luke. Something that will embarrass you if anyone finds out about." A tear rolls down his cheek once again. "Something you're ashamed of."

The pain in his eyes shot directly to my heart, causing it to shatter. "I'm not ashamed of you, Alex."

"But you are though! You've been hiding me for nine months!"

"I've been hiding us."

"You've been hiding me."

My eyebrows lower as my mouth takes the form of a frown.

"You can hurt by how I feel, but trust me, I am the one hurting here. However, you can not be angry with how I feel. You can not be angry with feelings, only actions." He concludes.

"Im angry you went on that date."

"You mean the one where you told me to go on?"

"Yes?"

He sighs hopelessly, "It shouldn't be this difficult."

I nod in agreement.

"It's not the same anymore Luke."

"It can be though... we can go back to how it used to be." I say hopefully.

"I don't want to. I don't want to go back to being oblivious of when we will stop hiding. I don't want to go back to believing your empty promises. The sneaking around and secrets were fun when I believed it was temporary Luke. It's not fun anymore."

"I wish it was though."

"No you don't. No you don't because as much as it hurt me, it stressed you out. The hiding and lies stress you out Luke. You're not built for hiding something like this." 

"It's gotten easier," I admit.

Alex nods dejectedly, "It's harder to hide things that mean a lot to you... when did I mean any less for it to become easier to you?"

"That's not what- Alex I love you!"

"Tell me that you love me the way you used to love me."

I throw my hands up hopelessly. I love Alex, I do. But he's right, things are different now. I don't know when it all changed but it did. I'm stuck imitating Alex from earlier, my mouth opening and closing with each intention of wanting to tell him I love him the same as I used to, if even more now. But I can't. Cause I don't. I involuntarily begin to cry silently. "I love you." I whisper.

Tear after tear rolls down Alex's cheeks. "I love you, Luke. I loved you then and I love you now. More than anything." He takes a deep breath before continuing, choosing his next words hesitantly, "But being with you only causes me pain."

I exhale a shaky breath, my eyes stinging from all the tears. "I love you." I repeat, knowing nothing else to say.

Alex comes closer to where we are at least seven feet apart. "But not enough to show others."

"Why can't me loving you be enough?"

"Sometimes when I'm with you I can't see myself, all I see is you. And I really really want to start seeing myself." He cries, "I want others to see me, Luke. I can't keep hiding."

"So what are you saying?"

"I cant keep doing this if you don't stop treating me like a secret toy."

And at those words I immediately know that it's over. That every minute of every day for the past nine months... gone.

"I can't tell them, Alex."

He nods understandingly, closing up whatever space there is left between us. He wipes away my fallen tears with his thumbs, caressing the sides of my face with his hands. He gently presses his quivering lips upon mine. I kiss him back passionately, placing my hands on the sides of his face like he does with me. This kiss is filled with love, sadness, heartbreak, anger, forgiveness, and understanding. He is the one to pull away while I long for more. He presses his forehead against mine.

We stay like that for a moment till Alex backs up and heads for the doors, leaving. I stay with my gaze fixated to the floor, once I hear the sound of the doors closing my knees go weak and I fall into the nearest chair. Weeping heavily.