My Poor Head Is Spinning

Chapter 11

In the dead of night about a month later, I climbed up the fire escape to give Crutchie his hat back. I left the jar of our savings in the Lodging House, so I plan on sneaking in to grab it.

"Millie?" I heard Crutchie mumble.

"Go back to sleep." I whispered gruffly.

"I'm sorry." He breathed. He was awake now. But no-one would believe him.

"What?" My gaze snapped back to him.

"About Elmer. They found them that day, but nobody could find you." He explained, carefully wording his phrases. "Are you okay?"

"I'll never be okay." I muttered, starting to climb down.

"Wait, where're you goin'?" He asked, peering over the edge.

"Away." I replied.

"Can I know where to find you?" Crutchie asked with wide eyes.

"If I want to be found I'll come back." I told him. Truth is, Miss Medda pointed to a bookstore that needed a new employee. She gave me a new dress so I could try, and I got the job. They even gave me a room above the bookstore. I've never been alone before. This last month has been the most difficult of my life. 

Crutchie didn't say anything else. He couldn't see when I silently went into the Lodging House. Even though it was dark, memories came rushing back.

From my memories, a month younger Jack burst into the door gripping badminton racquets. 

"Badminton." Both me and my dead twin said.

"I found these." The memory Jack grinned, tossing a black haired girl in the corner a racquet. She caught it, but her twin did not. Jack threw a birdie at the memory Elmer, and the bird flew lightly across the room as he and his twin sister bumped it.

I shook my head, ridding the bittersweet memory from my sight and carefully going upstairs to our room. So far, nobody had noticed me. The door creaked open as it usually did, but this time it was empty of people. I clicked the door shut and took a deep breath. Elmer's dirty clothes were strewn about in a corner, whereas mine were neatly piled in a different corner. Before retrieving the jar, I picked the blanket up from the bottom bunk. I then folded it up as best I could and stuffed it in my pocket. The only thing I have left of my twin brother is our face. Then I reached into where we had hidden the jar and pulled it out. The coins inside shifted. So I just sat down and took in my surroundings. It was exactly how we had left it. I remembered the last time I was with my brother in this room.

"You ready?" My brother asked, making sure he looked acceptable.

"Always." I smiled. "You?"

"Always." He replied. "But, Emilia, if somethin' happens I want you to get to safety. It don't matter where I am, I'll be fine."

"Elmer." I stopped him. "Nothin' is gonna happen to either of us."

My twin grinned and held his hand out for our handshake. We did the handshake. It ended with a seemingly deafening fist bump to the present, only-child Millie.

And I lied to him. I said that nothing would happen to us. But it did. Elmer Kasprzak died on the lie. I wish I knew who had it hit. Then, with a horrible realization, I realized it could have been me. He was holding me back from saving Crutchie. What if I accidentally reared back and hit him?

"Millie?" A shocked voice said from next to me. I had collapsed to the floor clutching the blanket. I whipped my head around to see Romeo.

"I shouldn't be here." I guessed, standing back up shakily. 

"No, no!" He put his hands up in defense, or to block me if I tried to escape. "You should be here!"

"No I shouldn't." I sighed. 

"How've you been doing?" He asked.

"What do you think?" I demanded, motioning to my appearance. I was wearing a dark gray--almost black--dress. I probably had scratches on my face. When I look in the mirror, all I can see is my dead brother. I wanted to alter my face so I didn't have to see it.

"Right. Stupid question." Romeo shook his head, then sat down on the wooded floor. He patted the space next to him. I reluctantly sat back down. "Do you mind if I talk about him?"

"It doesn't matter." I mumbled.

"I was the one who found him." He started. "He was laying on the street like someone put him there. I thought you must've been dead too; I couldn't imagine you apart."

"If only." I whispered, thinking about the afterlife with my twin. It wouldn't have been empty. 

"Crutchie thinks it's his fault." Romeo continued bitterly.

"What?" I turned to look at him. 

"He says that if he'd run away when ev'ryone else did, we could have done something to help him." He elaborated. "Wait, but didn't you and Elmer used to feel eachother's pain?"

I nodded. "We did."

"How come you couldn't feel what was going on?" Romeo asked, then quickly followed. "You don't have to answer."

"I did." I murmured. "It was hard to breathe, but I thought it was because I was seeing Crutchie bein' soaked."

"Oh." He looked at the floor. "Are you back for good?"

"No." I shook my head. "I need time."

"Okay." Romeo nodded. "Where'll you be?"

I thought for a minute. "Don't tell anybody."

"I swear." He nodded eagerly.

"There's a bookstore in Manhattan that I work at." I told him quietly.

"Are you gonna come back?" He asked hopefully.

"I don't know." I sighed. "It won't be the same without him."

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Romeo?" I heard Mush whisper-yell from outside the door. My eyes widened. Romeo shot up.

"Mush!" He said awkwardly, shoving me into the tiny closet.

"What're you doin' in here?" Mush asked. "Jack don't want us in here."

"I just miss them." Romeo said. Me too, I thought to myself. "Millie's gotta turn up at some point, right?"

"She might," Mush sighed. "But you know that she might be dead."

"I know." Romeo said sadly. They think I'm dead?

"Go back to bed." Mush yawned. "Maybe they'll visit you in a dream or something."

That doesn't work. I've tried.

"Or in real life." Romeo added.

"Yeah, sure." Mush scoffed. "Go back to bed."

Then Mush walked away and I crept out of the closet. 

"I'll be going now." I told Romeo hastily. Before leaving the room, I turned to face him again. "Crutchie is gonna say that he saw me tonight. Can you please tell him that he's crazy? Tell him that I'm probably dead."

"Millie--" Romeo started.

"I have to go, Romeo." I told him with a watery smile. "I have an early shift tomorrow."

"Okay." He nodded, staring wistfully. 

"Thank you." Then I disappeared into the night towards Wallop Books.