The Blue Orchid Years

Chapter 18 Part 2: Coming to Terms with Myself

Johan hang up after the bit about sibling love and I made my way to the bungalow's kitchen to see if there was any leftover snacks I could munch on. The fridge was empty, except for Tony's protein shake. Nope, I was not gonna touch that disgusting shake, he could have it all to himself.

I ignored my urge to eat snacks and lied down on the sofa in the living room. The sofa overlooked the glass door and I could see the ocean outside the bungalow. It was raining heavily and the crashing waves sounded very violent. I shuddered and meddled with the electric fireplace, hoping that some heat would do me good. I didn't like rainy days very much.

A soft hand brushed against mine. I looked up to see Moira standing before me.

"Moira, why are you still up?" I asked, surprised that I wasn't the only one in the living room. She said something about having a nightmare and wanting to make hot chocolate. Alas, with the kitchen not stocked yet there was no hot chocolate for her. I did, however, ask if she wanted to come snuggle with me on the sofa and she nodded, sitting beside me and cuddled me.

"You look sad," Moira commented just as I was about to doze off. "Did the rain make you sad?"

"I'm okay," I exhaled. "Well, physically okay. I'm a chaos inside. The rain triggered something in me, especially after I talked with Akira about my future and to Johan about my depression."

"Oh? What did you tell Akira?" Moira inquired and I inhaled before answering.

"Well, I told her I want to be writer but I also like music and philosophy yet I feel obliged to finish my study in biochemistry. What do you think I should do, Moira?"

"You can always be a Creative Writing major. If it's your dream, then go after it."

"I used to be a Creative Writing major in community college, believe it or not," I chuckled but then my chuckling abruptly came to a halt as I recalled a painful memory. "Dhia, on the other hand, has always been a biochemistry major from the start. Yeah, it sounds so random but just bear with me, I'll get to the point soon," I quickly added when I saw Moira frowned in confusion.

"You regretted your initial major?" she asked. "That's why you decided to come to Blue Orchid after completing community college, wasn't it? To have a fresh start? And your twin just followed along?"

"My regret was an impetus, sure," I nodded and then my eyes begin to water. "I'm not someone with a thick skin, Moira. Never was and never will be. Becoming a writer is a serious business and in hindsight the routine workshops I used to be in was a horrible idea."

"Your classmates at community college bullied you?" she gasped. "But screw them. No one becomes a great author overnight. So, are you saying you chose to come to an institution famous for its research on xenobiology just because you're running away from what was once your dream?"

I put my head on Moira's shoulder and closed my eyes while her hand reached for mine.

"I couldn't handle criticisms after criticisms, yes, but on top of that Dhia and I were involved in a dizzying love triangle. Wait no, what do you call something with more than three sides?"

"A polygon?" Moira shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I promise I'll not get jealous. What is it with you and love triangle, though? You seem to attract crushes left and right. Good thing a person as handsome as you are ends up with someone as pretty as I am," she teased. How bold of her.

"Haha, very funny," I smiled mirthlessly. "But thanks for being cool about it. There was this girl who had a crush on me, sort of like the situation with Izumi, but I didn't like her that way. As fate would have it, Dhia had a crush on her and it got complicated because there was also this polysexual or omnisexual guy who had a crush on both of us. Back then we were still figuring out our sexualities Oh, by the way, I'm afraid history would repeat itself because I think Tony suspects my questionable sexuality."

"Wow," Moira stared at me wordlessly. "Just wow. I thought you were straight. But you are not? So, does it bother you that Tony is suspecting your real sexuality?"

"Yeah, exploring sexuality was hard enough with our parents being the staunchest Catholics—I still remember our older brother coming out to dad and it went so wrong—and then, bam, drama." I grimaced. "Dhia took everything in stride, but I was the opposite. I'm prone to stress and, you know, I feel like I may snap soon. This realization that I am maybe-not-that-straight, coupled with an avalanche of other emotions, has turned me into a ball of anxiety."

"What do you mean maybe-not-that-straight?"

"Moira, I told Tony that I am straight because I was embarrassed to admit to him a truth about myself, but I think I might be bisexual. I think a part of me is attracted to boys too, not just girls. What if I find Tony attractive? Not that I want to date him, I've got you and I love you. Besides, he's dating Dhia, right? I'd be a shitty brother to have eyes on my own sister's boyfriend."

"There is nothing wrong with being bisexual," my girlfriend patted me on the back. "It is just a part of who you are. I love you and your sexuality will never make me love you any less. I'm sure you can be honest with Tony if he ever brings up the topic again in the future."

"Moira, what I'm about to admit might push you away from me, but I need you to hear this," I fidgeted with the buttons on my shirt while I recounted my story. "In my community college years ago, I tried to take my own life. It was a residential community college, you see, so it had a Health Center. Someone from the Health Center spotted me tying a rope on a tree, making a lasso, and he called the police just before I could put the noose around my neck. The rest was predictable. Nothing good ever comes from involving the police during a mental health crisis."

"I'm not anti-police or anything," she stared into my watery eyes. "But I get that it's different for you, so let's agree to disagree on that. What did the police do?"

"I was neutral about the police, what I meant was that I wished the community college had dealt with my attempt in a more compassionate way," I sighed. "They brought me to a mental hospital and forced me to stay there for five days. My phone was taken away and it did more harm than good. It was shitty not being able to keep in touch with Dhia."

"I'd be pissed too if I couldn't talk to my own sibling!" Moira said as I squeezed her hand harder. "So, did being in a hospital change anything or did it make you feel worse?"

"It would've helped if the hospital had honored my request of not telling my parents of the incident, but looked like they didn't care about patient confidentiality," my lips quivered. "Mom and dad were livid. They called me lazy and entitled."

"Honey, you're not lazy, you were suffering," Moira put her arms around me as I buried my head on the crook of her neck and sniffled. "I won't promise it will get better, because I'm sure you've had numerous people repeating that sentence to you, but once you've hit rock bottom there is only going up. Do you get me?"

"This was why I joined your movement with the whole mining company last year, Moira," I murmured. "I also will help you do whatever I can to make sure our project with the Kulambas and the disabled community of Crystal Lilacs tribe in this Amethyst Archipelago go smoothly. I have never been particularly brave and bright, but you are all that. I want to be useful. I was a piece of trash and the least I can do is to assist you in making a difference in this world, one admirable project at a time."

"No one is ever as useless as they think, honey," Moira caressed my cheek. "If you are serious about taking care of the environment and upholding social justice, do it not out of insecurity but because you also value what I value: biodiversity and a future free of social discrimination."

I did not answer but I cupped my girlfriend's face and pulled her closer. Moira looked shocked but did not protest. She blushed and I couldn't control myself. I could kiss her for being so cute.

"May I?" I said as warmth crept up my cheeks. Moira grinned and I kissed her, softly at first and then I deepened the kiss. My hand moved to her waist. She kissed me back while her hand found my other one and our fingers interlocked. When we finally pulled back, I planted a kiss on her forehead. Being in a relationship wouldn't cure depression but it certainly didn't hurt.