The Pink Eyeball ( Uta Tokyo Ghoul )

Lost Cause

I am running in a huge, thick maze, searching and searching. Everywhere I look, the thing that I am trying to find popped up randomly, but I dismissed it with a flick of hand. My mind is racing ahead searching for answers that doesn't sound too ridiculous or unconvincing.

That's when I realised all I am trying to find are lies. And the answer is inside me, all along, something that I refused to confront.

And the truth is I don't want him to get hurt. What I am doing, what I am planning, will ultimately result in his downfall. And like the stupid fool I am, I went along with it, stringing him along, betraying him. But I wanted him, alive. No, I needed him in my life, because I lo-, no. Don't think about it.

Which is why I have to lie. But a part of me is begging so hard not to, and lately that part of me is getting more and more loud and rebellious it is quite hard to tune out. I calmed myself down and shut off my emotions. I know I have to do it. For no one else can. Mr.Natsuke is right: we don't have a choice.

But when I looked up into his eyes, I knew I couldn't do it. Even with all my new resolve I just couldn't lie to him anymore. And I also can't tell him the truth.

So I kept my mouth shut, playing for time. All I wanted to do was to bury my face in his chest and calm my emotions and drop off to sleep. Yet there seems to be a bridge between us, something that keep both of us away from each other; something that I dreaded.

I lifted a hand and touch his sweater gingerly, but there was no response from him. I sighed with relief inwardly. Maybe he decided to drop the matter.

How wrong I was.

Just as my head was leaning in against his chest, he pushed me away. Gently, but a definite refusal. I thought I heard a small sound of breaking which came from my own heart. He never pushed me away before.

I looked up at him uncomprehendingly, but he was already out of my bed, his ghostly pale silhoutte seems to emitting a final kind of fury. When he speak, he seems like a school teacher sternly telling a pupil for the last time to keep quiet or he'll lock her in the janitor's closet for the night.

"I refused to do this anymore."

Wait, isn't that supposed to be my line? I blinked confusedly. Does that mean he knew? And he was also playing along all the while without me knowing?

Despite all the rushing of thoughts in my head, my heart constricted painfully and a small voice is telling me, this is it.

I will never see him again. For a ridiculous moment, I felt like laughing. When you laugh when you are in emotional pain, you know you are beyond crazy. And I just don't know how to react to his statement. But I will soon find out.

"What are you talking about, Uta-san?", I asked him, my voice quivering.

He crouched down so that he was on the same level with me, his face a mask of blank fury. It was amazing how someone managed to look so blank and expressionless, yet radiated an anger so strong and fierce at the same time. When he spoke, I could hardly breathe.

"What are you hiding from me? Don't tell any more lies now, you were never good at them anyway, I could count all of your lies off my fingers. And the hairs of my head, too, since you loved to lie so much."

My heart was pounding like a tom-tom and I was blinking furiously. My eyes was slightly burning, like they are going to start tearing up anytime soon.

I licked my dry lips and said, "Are you calling me a liar?". My mouth was dry like a sandpaper and my voice sounded thin and strangled even to my own ears.