How'd You Get This Number? // mamaspider

26 - i lost the kid

writing this during my college class lol i felt super bad for that massive cliff hangar! gonna spoil you all, my little reader-beans (:

(edit: just finished the QUADRUPLE UPDATE, spent ALL DAY writing, so yA'LL BETTER FEEL BLESSED)

here's nat's initial reaction! next chapter is peter's!

_Nat_

Oh my god.

No.

No, please.

Please, don't make me lose him.

Why did I ever let my guard down? Did I ever? Is this my fault?

Who am I kidding—of course this is my fault. He's my kid. I haven't known him for kong, but I can't deny how close we've gotten. He's my kid.

One second he was sitting there, gasping for air. My heart shattered seeing how much pain he was in.

Then the next—he was gone. Where did he go?

Think, Nat. Focus.

Why can't I focus?

Why is everything so blurry?

Am I...crying?

I can't remember the last time I cried.

"PETER!" A scream rips through my throat as soon as I return to the living world.

I throw the soldiers off of me with a strength I never knew I had. Anger fuels every move I make as I plow my way through the HYDRA agents attempting, and failing miserably, to hold me down. I send a swift roundhouse kick to one of the women behind me. With the attackers now distracted, the rest of my team is able to make their way up and join the fight. The woman climbs back to her feet just before I shove her against the wall, my forearm pressed against her throat.

"Where is he?" I shout in her face, my voice somehow booming among the chaos of the room.

A thick German accent coats her constants, "That's not for me to tell."

Knowing I don't have the time to deal with her now, I elbow her in the side of the head, promptly knocking her out. Moving from attacker to attacker, I progressively help my team take each of them down.

As soon as my fist comes in contact with the last man standing, my eyes search frantically around the room for any sign of Peter. "Peter?!" I know he's gone, but some portion of fear in my mind is trying to convince me he's not—trying to convince me that I've been too careful for him to vanish just like that. I've tried to keep him safe! There's no way I failed to protect another person I love, I couldn't live with myself if I did.

But I did.

I failed to protect my son.

"Nat-" Clint gently grabs my forearm, trying to stop me as I look around the room in a veiled panic. "Nat, he's gone."

I rip my arm away from him, "No!" The noise rips through my throat as tears well in my eyes.

My one-way glass walls were finally shattering.

And I couldn't build them back up fast enough.

"He's not gone! He can't be gone! I told him I'd keep him safe! I told myself I'd keep him safe!" The unfamiliar, yet oddly recognizable feeling of tears on my cheeks only brings me more panic. I suddenly lose focus of everyone's attention on me for once. I stop caring. The only thing I have the capacity to care about is Peter. "I promised him! I can't lose that kid, Clint."

"And you won't!"

"He's already GONE, Clint!" I scream at him. "I should have known. I should've never let him get close to Loki. I knew that bastard was going to hurt him eventually, just—why didn't I DO anything about it?"

"You did!"

"I obviously didn't do enough." My voice is lowly, cold as my crumbled walls stiffen into a demolished pile of rubble. The bricks have collapsed, replaced by a barricade of stone-hard wreckage, ready to tumble over at the slightest touch and crush whoever had dared to try to climb over.

My mind rushes back to the first time I talked to Peter:

__

Peter
you didn't laugh at my joke

?
what if it wasn't funny

Peter
Touchee

?
It's 'touché'

Peter
yeah, but touchee is funnier

__

It was the first moment I'd laughed in so long.

Then when Peter texted the chat after we'd been gone on a mission—

__

Peter
Guys
I need your help again
...
I think I broke my ankle in the middle of Queens
...
I have no one else to come help me
I'm sorry
I feel so bad for bothering you so much
but I need you

__

He was helpless and I didn't even know.

I can't let him feel that pain again.

Everytime I tried to keep Peter away from that bastard...

"I refuse to let this bag of garbage anywhere near Peter."

"You're not gonna interact with this guy. Come on, to your room."

"Loki—Get away from the kid."

"I don't want you getting hurt because of him."

"Just make sure you're safe, please? I don't want you in danger, especially with Lord Voldemort staying with us."

"Peter, this guy is a terrorist!"

"'Monty Python' here isn't laying a finger on you."

"I really don't want you hanging out with that creep."

"Peter, promise me you won't go near him?"

I refuse to lose Peter

So, when the god of mischief finally pulls his ace of cards—I'll be there ready to rip the felt off the table.

I'll be ready to protect my kid.

And I wasn't.

___

keep swiping for peter!

-moo