Empathy [Josh Dun - Twenty One Pilots]

Friday, June 28th 2013

Dear journal,

The guys skipped school today. We had gathered at our usual spot before going in when Mark came in, his cheeks red and puffy. He looked like he had cried, and since everyone was there, he kind of had to explain himself.

"My grandfather is probably dying today" he just said swiftly, looking up so as to not let the tears roll down his cheeks.

And then he looked at me and all the air whooshed out of my lungs like he had hit me right in the stomach. I was hurting. Not like, physical pain. But my heart was hurting. It was almost like I could feel it try to pump the blood in my veins, only halfheartedly. No pun intented.

I knew Mark was looking at me because I was always the nicest. Whenever someone had a problem, they always turned to me because I was a good listener, and even though I couldn't do much, people always told me that I was just nice being around. But for the reasons that I wrote about in the previous entry, I couldn't keep up and I looked away. It hurt me to do so, but the pain in his eyes was too much to carry.

"My mom doesn't want me to stay home though. She thinks school will get my mind off things..." Mark went on, his voice cracking weirdly.

Everybody added their friendly remarks and patted Mark's back, up until Ethan said something that made everyone cheer.

"Let's just skip school guys! I know THAT will get your mind off things!" he said cheerfully, turning to Mark.

I think his smile illuminated his face instantly, but I 'm not sure, as I was too afraid to look at him again. My fingers clenched Debby's hand a little stronger. My heart was so heavy, and as much as I thought it was a nice idea, I didn't think I could stay around very long before breaking apart.

The bell rang, and everyone in our little group picked up their bags and were heading out, Debby included. She stopped when she felt that I wasn't moving, her hand still in mine. She smiled, that smile of hers that always made me feel a little tingly inside.

"Josh?" she asked, frowning.

I had to find an excuse. I couldn't handle that weird mood all day, or I would end up crying, probably. I was already feeling a lump in my throat. "I, uhm... I can't skip. My mom would kill me." I said, trying to sound persuasive.

Debby's brows furrowed even more, and I saw a little bit of concern in her face. "But Josh... It's the last day of school, maybe she won't..."

"Maybe's not enough, Deb." I chuckled nervously, scratching the back of my head. "I'm sorry," I added for good measure.

She sighed, but took a few steps towards me before getting on her toes and pecking me on the lips. "Still okay for tomorrow night, though?" she asked, glancing flirtatiously at me.

I smiled, closing my arms around her waist and hugging her tight. I needed to feel her against me. And the thought of tomorrow made me feel dizzy. Her parents were out of town for good this time (they had to cancel the weekend right after my birthday) and she had planned a night just for the two of us at her house. Needless to say I was impatient. I kissed her neck before whispering "Sure" in her ears.

She kissed me again, then skipped away to join the others happily, shouting at them to wait for her. And as I watched her, so happy and unaware of what I was going through, I wish she'd never have to feel that pain that was now constantly in my heart. Because I was in love with her.

The day went by as slowly as it could possibly go. Every now and then, Debby would send me a picture or a text saying she missed me or that she wished I was there, and I was almost regretting my decision when the teacher's voice got me out of my reverie.

"Mr Dun!"

Nervously, I looked up, hiding my phone under the table. I faked an innocent look.

"Would you be able to tell us the word we were just talking about?" she asked, looking at me from under her glasses. "Or were you too caught up in your own kind of literature?"

I blushed, muttering an "I'm sorry" that I'm not even sure she heard, before she rolled her eyes and walked to the blackboard to write. I followed the movements of her hand and the white marks on the board, forming a word I had probably never heard of.

"Empathy!" the teacher almost yelled at the class. "Anyone knows what it means?" She looked at every single one of her students expectantly, but as no one seemed to know the answer, she continued. "Empathy is the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings".

My heart stopped at her words.

Because that was it.

My sickness.

Empathy.