Empathy [Josh Dun - Twenty One Pilots]

Saturday, June 29th 2013

Dear Journal,

It started great. Like we had planned, I was staying over at Debby's since her parents were out of town. We chilled in her living room most of the time, because that's where they had the biggest tv screen, and we probably watched half a season of that old tv show she likes. I don't even remember what it was. I was too focused on her, her red hair falling over her shoulders nicely, and her pouty lips and the way her eyelashes brushed her cheek whenever she blinked.

She was snuggling, so close to me that I swear I could hear her heart beat. My arm was around her shoulder, and I was consciously wrapping a strand of her hair around my finger. She had her hand on my thigh, and she was, probably as consciously, rubbing it slowly.

At some point, she decided she'd had enough tv for the night and turned it off, all the while leaning into my ear and whispering those words that still give me chills when I think of it. "Let's get upstairs..."

I followed her. Of course I followed her. I was a sixteen year old boy, probably about to have sex for the first time with the girl I fell in love with. Needless to say I was a bit too excited, so much that my hands were already trembling.

When we entered her bedroom, she quickly disappeared into the bathroom to slip into her pajamas. "Put yourself at ease," she said when closing the door behind her, and I knew what I had to do. We had actually talked a lot about it, and we knew we were ready for this.

I couldn't have been more ready, to be honest. But I was so nervous I thought I would never be able to take off my pants. When finally in my boxers, I hid under the covers, trying to even my breathing to a normal pace. Which didn't really work, especially when she finally came out of the bathroom.

She was wearing pajamas indeed. Nothing too fancy, nothing too sexy, but incredibly hot on her: polka dotted black and white short shorts and a tight top with the same pattern. She gave me that shy half-smile that made me fall for her in the first place, timidly putting back behind her ear a wild strand of red hair. She stood there for a few seconds, seemingly was waiting for some kind of approval from me - like the drool on my chin wasn't enough - so I gently patted the bed.

As soon as her body slipped under the sheets and against my skin, my heart raced. I could feel the heat radiating off her at the same time her cold tiny feet touched my legs, making for a weird hot and cold sensation. My hand nervously found her waist and pulled her closer. My breath was short, but for a second there, I thought my... condition, let's call it that; I thought my condition would leave me alone tonight.

And it did, for the half hour we made out in the dark, the only sound surrounding us being the bed sheets rubbing against our half naked bodies and the humid waltz of our lips dancing for more. Then, I decided it was time to go a little further, and with shaky hands, I pulled up her top to reveal her toned abs. She giggled at the touch of my fingers on her skin before putting both of her hands on my cheeks, making me look up into her eyes.

"I love you," she said.

"I'm hurting," I heard.

She was smiling genuinely, but for some reason, as soon as my eyes met hers, this feeling that she was actually deeply sad couldn't leave my mind. And I tried. I tried as much as I could, because damn, my girlfriend was in bed with me, that piece of treasure that had me weak in the knees, and we were ready to make love for the first time and this was a big deal for both of us and my head was screaming, my head was screaming NO, my head was screaming I HURT I AM SAD SO SAD, my head was screaming I WANT TO DO THIS BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP MY HEART FROM ACHING SO BAD my head was screaming

I collapsed.

"Josh?"

I woke up from my slumber to the sound of her weak and shaky voice.

"Josh, what happened? Are you ok?" she asked feverishly, touching my forehead, caressing my hair. But I couldn't answer. The lump in my throat was menacing, threatening to let the tears flow out. So instead, I just cuddled up to Debby, nestling my nose in the crook of her neck, breathing in slowly her perfume-less skin. She tensed at first, hesitant, confused, but when she finally let it go, she lulled me into sleep.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night. Debby wasn't sleeping. Or maybe she had just woken up like me, but that's unlikely. She looked sad. Sadder than she did before, because well, she didn't look sad at first. I just... felt it. And it ruined everything.

"I'm sorry Deb," I whispered to the ceiling.

Debby shifted, kissed me gently on the lips. "Go back to sleep," was all she said.

I closed my eyes, and counted to ten, in the hopes that she'd sleep by then. "I love you," I finally let out, lower than a murmur. Only silence responded, until Debby's hand squeezed my arm.

"Me too," she said, and in the moonlight, I could swear she was crying.

I'm back home now, obviously, and I'm a mess. This thing that I have is taking over me. I can't function properly and I'm so mad at myself for not being able to tame whatever that is. I'm losing control at fast speed, and I'm scared. I just don't know what to do anymore. I haven't done that in a while, but when I'm done writing this, I'll just head to bed and I'll pray. I'll pray that this condition goes away soon, as soon as it landed on me. And I'll pray it will leave without any collateral damage.