Empathy [Josh Dun - Twenty One Pilots]

TWENTY NINE

When Josh set foot in the cafeteria again a few hours later, the happy/sad hadn't left him alone. If anything, it had dug its claws deep into his throat, gripping him painfully and preventing him, or so it felt like, to breathe properly. Walking through the dining hall under the stare of what seemed to be the whole school's student body, Josh thought to himself that he hadn't choked to death yet, which was a good thing. The boy was only able to take a big gulp of air once he sat down at the table where Mark was waiting for him. 

"What's up," the other boy remarked when Josh took out a crushed cheese sandwich from the bottom of his backpack, but Josh only replied with a smile and another question to avoid having to think of what actually was up with him.

"How's your first day back going?" Josh fiddled with the plastic bag containing his sandwich and opened it with feeble hands, poking at the bread before breaking a tiny piece apart and shoving it in his mouth, doing his best to chew on the dough but only half-heartedly. He wasn't really hungry anyway. 

"I'd say I'm all right," Mark answered after a short hesitation. Then, he leaned over, his chest pressing against the table in between them, his voice lowering. "Apparently, getting abducted has made me much more attractive to the ladies."

The boy chuckled, leaning back against his seat and looking over Josh to the population of students. He looked pretty confident, but the words suddenly echoed into Josh's mind like an out-of-tune lullaby. They didn't feel right, and Josh was pretty sure he knew why.

He could still remember the visions he had had, back when Mark was still missing. He could still feel his friend's feelings, could almost touch them. He could sense the sting of pain, the pull of fear, the ache of confusion. He could see the boys. So many boys. Half naked boys, and the attraction and lust that went with them. 

"Are you gay?"

Josh hadn't meant to say it like that. He hadn't meant to blurt out the words like vomit. He hadn't meant to cause the hurt visible on Mark's face like he suddenly had grown two more heads. He hadn't meant to feel the rush of emotions that poured out of his friend's body like the Niagara Falls. He hadn't meant any of this. But the words were said now, and he couldn't take them back. It's like he wouldn't have been able to hold them up anyway because lately, the feelings in his own mind saturated his brain, clouded it like smoke choking him. 

"Wh-what?" Mark stuttered, obviously taken by surprise before the crease between his eyebrows eased up. "Is this about, you know, what I said to you?" he sighed. "Before we stopped talking? Because I didn't mean that, man. I've been meaning to apologize for this, I just- I couldn't find the words or the timing wasn't right or-" he stopped, taking a breath and waving his hand through his hair, "Let's be honest, I was afraid to face up to my own mistakes."

All the way through Mark's words, Josh shook his head, yet he didn't dare to shut him up. When the boy was finally done, though, when it was his turn to speak, Josh was suddenly at a loss for words. He didn't want to cause any more pain or break the bond that was slowly growing back between them. Yet he was pretty sure the topic needed to be dealt with. He wanted Mark to feel comfortable enough around him that he wouldn't be afraid to be who he truly was. If only Josh could make him understand that without using any words...

Josh suddenly leaned over, his hand reaching for Mark's forearm that was laying on the table. His skin was warm and soft against his own cold fingers. Surprised, Mark tried to pull away, but Josh had gripped his wrist tight enough for him not to slip away, but loose enough so as not to hurt him. Then, Josh caught Mark's eyes and didn't let go as he let his feelings flow freely. He had a gift, right? And he decided to use it.

Josh let the love and compassion and friendship and support flow through him and towards Mark, and only when he saw his features loosen up did he speak, slowly and softly. "Mark," Josh whispered, "you don't have to be afraid. Just tell me."