In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

004

I woke up earlier than usual time of my wake up and feel more energized than before. Yvon already brought my breakfast and prepare my medicines. 

"You look excited, Azzelle," Yvon uttered while looking at me. I am munching the food he prepared. Hospital foods are sucked but I feel different today. 

"Yes, I want to talk with Dr. Sid. I want to tell him that I'm considering having a heart transplant." I almost flinched when Yvon suddenly drop the medicine tray that he was holding. "Are you okay, Yvon? What's wrong why do you look like you are about to cry?" He looked up and took a deep sigh before walking towards me. 

"Y-you are going to do the operation? For real?"My heart almost melt when I saw how happiness glistened in Yvon's eyes. He looks so happy knowing my decision. I nodded and smile at him. 

"Yes, I want to give it a try." I'm not surprised anymore when he embraced me. Yvon is like an older brother to me. He is with me for five years and he didn't leave my side nor gotten upset when I always give him cold shoulder that's why I know he is one of the people who believe that I'll surpass this situation. 

"It's good that you changed your mind, Azzelle. We'll put your name on the list of patients waiting for a donor. It's nice seeing you again, fighting. It's been a while." Dr. Sid and I talked for a bit until he goodbye because he has other patients aside from me. 

***

 It's been weeks since Jazxer and I become friends. Every day passed we grew closer which made me feel so good. Today,  I decided to go out in the garden to inhale fresh air. But before I was able to step out on my door it opened and Jazxer who was panting heavily energetically waved his hand to me.

"H-hi Azzelle," he greeted me with his high-pitched boss that made me chortle. 

"Did you run again? Seriously?" he nodded while laughing. He's mischievous. He never gets tired of being bubbly. 

"Let's go!" I raised my eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously. Being with him for weeks I witnessed how stubborn and energetic Jazxer is. He is unpredictable. He'll just appear anywhere and invite me to whatever he wanted to do which I also enjoyed. 

"Where?" he gave me a coy smile before dragging me out of my room. I don't have any IV fluid on me so I can move freely. He held my arm gently and pull me. 

"Just trust me, my friend." I end up nodding to him. Here he is again saying that. Well, I do trust him. He has an aura that I can't just say no to him.  "Hey!" I came back from my deep thought when Jazxer flicked my forehead. I glare at him. He just chuckled and drags me somewhere. 

"We are here, Ta-da!" I looked at what he was pointing. My forehead knits and turned to him.

"Are you serious?" I asked him with a serious tone. He nodded like he is proud. We are in front of the stock room of the hospital. "Why are we here?" He opened the door and gallons of paints and brushes welcomed us. There are boxes everywhere but the room is spacious. 

"We are going to do art." he happily said while wiggling the brush that he was holding. He pulled me inside and close the door. The room has plain white walls.

"Are we allowed to do this?" I asked him when he starts painting the other part of the wall. The paints don't have a smell so I'm sure it's okay if I use them. 

"Yes, besides this room was abandoned." That made me stare at him. "Why?" he asks seeing me staring at him. 

"How do you know that it's abandoned?" he snakes his arm to my shoulder before responding. 

"I've been here for too long, Azzelle. Same as you. I've been here for a decade. I'm admitted here when I was 15. Now,  I am 25 like you. So, it's normal for me for explored this hospital. I'm not like you that staying in his hospital room only."  I just nod at him. But my mind wander into thought I don't know anything about him aside from his name even his sickness he didn't tell him. I wonder who he is.

"So we were both admitted in the same year, huh..." I mumbled.

"What Azzelle? Did you say something?" I shrugged. I wear a mask before facing the wall. I eyed the plain white wall. It's so lifeless. I get my brush and start putting life on it. I smile when I realized something. I used to be that plain white wall, a person who doesn't live and doesn't care anymore. But I slowly turned into a lively person.

"But what will happen if the time comes? Did the color I've put will be remained forever?" I whispers and I didn't know that Jazxer was listening to me.

"If the color will fade. You can use another paint to cover it up." I know it's a double meaning. I shrugged my head. This is what I like about Jazxer our conversation was always deep.

"Yes, I can cover it with another paint.." I looked at him. "But it will never be the same anymore. We can replace it but we will always know that it's different from the old one. A new one can't easily replace something that we hold for a long time." he nodded and beamed. He acted like he was thinking while wiggling his eyebrows which I found adorably funny. 

"But we need to admit that everything needs to change. And sometimes change is a better choice. Right?" He is right too. Change is constant. If there's a permanent thing on this planet it was change. I gazed at Jazxer's area where he paints. I facepalm when I saw what he draw.

"Seriously, Jazxer? Stickman? It's a big space for the stickman." he pouted. And stand straight as if he's protecting his artwork from me. 

"He is cute." He retorted. Cute? 

"Are you being serious?" he nodded an answer. I end up not minding his art. It's awful. I'm sad about the wall, that is painted of a stickman. We stayed and paint the room for an hour but we didn't even finish our work. We are now in the hospital cafeteria drinking a pack of sterilized milk.

"Azzelle, I feel so great. I think I can be a painter in the future. Aren't I?" He's giggling while asking that.

"An artist of the human stick. If it's that what you meant then you are qualified." He gave me dagger looks with his lips pouting. I just laugh. I stop when I found him looking at me with a serious expression. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Nothing. I'm just thankful." he looks so glad as he said that his eyes shine with gladness. 

"For what?" he gives me a smirk. He's playful. Sometimes matured. Sometimes a childish one too. But every side of him I find it cute. 

"It's for you to find out, Azzelle~" he used his high-pitched voice again while calling my name he is literally in good mood. After staying at the cafeteria. We waved to each other before we separate ways.

When I arrived in my room. I took a deep breath. I feel lonely again. It's different with Jazxer. I roam my eyes to my whole room. It's plain white too. I used to like the white color before but now? I don't know. Looking at it right now it is so dull, plain, and boring. I smiled when an idea flashed into my head.

"You're smiling, again..." It's Yvon. He is still always so surprised seeing me smiling. "You are changing." he looks at me intently. Like he is trying to read me. Yes, I'm changing and I'm aware of it. And I like it. 

"It is bad?" I asked. He shook his head and flash a faint grin at me.

"No, I like the new you..." he stated and whispered something that I didn't able to hear it. "And even if you change many times I will still like you..."

"Yvon? What? I didn't hear you." he just shrugs and then he checked my vitals.  "Yvon, can you buy me paints?" I asked which made him shift his attention to me.

"You can. But why all of the sudden? The last time I check you are a fan of plains like white."

"It's because I'm not a fan of plain anymore. I want to see colors. I want to see the change." He eyed me for seconds and caressed my hair. 

"Okay, I'll buy paints for you." When Yvo was done checking me and my meds he left and told me he will back later for dinner.

I scan my whole room and think of a plan for the change I want. All of a sudden. The smiles of those people I saw when I went outside with Jazxer appeared in my mind. A smile formed on my lips remembering those smiles but my heart raced fast when Jazxer's lovely and sincere smile occupied my thoughts.

"What if you didn't bother me that time and didn't ask me to be your friend? What will happen to me? Maybe I will stay as a plain white wall without even a sign of life. Thank you, Jazxer. Thank you so much."