In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

008

I'm staring out the window. When I heard my door open and a footstep towards me. But I didn't even look at the person who just entered. 

"Azzelle," Yvon called me with a worried tone. He sat down beside me. 

"I'm okay, Yvon," I said and face him to give him an assuring smile. Liar Azzelle! You are not okay. Your heart is breaking. 

"Don't lie to me. I know you." I hope I know myself too. I don't know what I should feel right now. Sad? Or be relief that I manage to let out those words to Jazxer?

"Yvon is it hard to love me?" My voice was cold. I feel so cold. After I confessed to Jazxer. He didn't visit me anymore and I'm blaming myself for that. If I didn't open that topic maybe he still here talking to me. 

"No, you are not. You are the kind of person that easy to love, Azzelle... You might look fierce outside but inside you is a warm person. Believe me, Azzelle you are a very wonderful person." Every word coming from him has a hint of sincerity. 

"I just want to die happily." I suddenly uttered. Yvon turned to me with a worried expression. "Let's be honest here, Yvon. I am fighting. I am waiting for a donor because I do want to live. I want to go out here and live normally as I used to before. But I'm not numb nor stupid. I know how long my body will fight. I'm slowly fading. My strength I can't feel it anymore. I feel like I am paper that floating in the air." I saw how Yvon's stopping himself to cry. 

I shifted my eyes back outside of the window. "I lost my reason to hope before..." I chuckled when I realized everything. When all of the scenes played in my mind. "Then h-he came. I found a reason to fight. I-i found a reason to hold on. T-turn my back into fears." I continue. 

"H-he gives me feelings that I want to feel every single day. i-I'm in love. I lost my care for other p-people or even in my f-family. I slowly forget the pain that caged me into darkness. He taught me, Yvon. He helps me to find the hope and strength to continue looking for light. To continue fighting this sickness. He managed t-to change my perspective. Because of him, I found my will to survive. " Yvon held my hand and I just let him. 

"I love h-him, Yvon. And it's fucking painful because I thought he is braver than me. But do you know? I saw how cowardly he is. When he denies his feeling for me. I can read him as deeply as I can. He is the safest person that made me feel complete. In those beautiful orbs of him. I crystal clear I saw the love, the care, and also the fear. And I think he is running away. Do you think being honest about my feeling was a mistake that I'd done? H-he is nowhere to find." He shook his head. 

"Being honest about what you feel is never been wrong. It's being brave. Hey, Azzelle... This is not you. I'm glad that you changed into someone with a positive and hopeful one but now," I averted his gaze. "You changing again into someone's weak." 

I lifelessly chuckled. "Is it a bad thing? I'm just tired and the realization hits me." 

"Realization?" I again looked at him. 

"I'm starting to think, that I'm not deserving to be loved. All people that I love never love me back." I took a heavy sigh. The corner of my eyes feels burning but I don't want to cry. I let out a weak laugh when I feel my tears fall from my cheeks. Pathetic.  "I'm crying again because of the same reason.." I tried to smile but I can't. "Because of pain. I wish I'm numb right now." I tapped my chest where my heart was located. "I guess my heart is really weak. Not just by health even in emotion."

"Azzelle, you are not weak. Don't think about that. You are just in pain that's why you feel like that." 

"I don't understand my feelings anymore, Yvon." 

"I'm here, Azzelle. Don't worry I'll never leave you. Take a rest for a while you need energy you have another lab test later." He guided me to lie down. He put on my oxygen mask before fixing my blanket. 

"Sleep, Azzelle. Take a rest." I closed my eyes and just minutes passed I was pulled into a calm doze.

***

I slowly opened my eyes when I heard voices arguing. Familiar voices. Dr. Sid and Yvon.

"It's impossible, Yvon. Telling him everything will just give him another pain!" Dr. Sid's voice roared inside my ward. I want to look at them but I was stopped by a wave of pain in my chest. My chest is aching. Not now, please... Jazxer where are you? 

"Y-you don't understand, Dr. Sid. I can't just let him fall deeper. I don't want him to get hurt. He doesn't deserve any of this!" Yvon yelled. I can sense anger in his voice and pain. What? Hurt me? Fall deeper? I don't understand. 

"Then I saw the pain in Azzelle's eyes and he felt that no one loved him. I feel so angry with myself because I am letting him feel that." I silently flinched when my chest pounded too fast. "Dr. Sid, if you just saw how pain crossed his eyes when he is telling him that he loves Jazxer makes me want to let him escape for that pain." I tried to move but I can't the pain became unbearable. 

"I understand, Yvon. I know he doesn't deserve what's happening to him but we cannot do anything for him. He did---" Dr. Sid wasn't able to finish his sentence when my vital machine made a noise. 

"Sh*t call the other doctors." Dr. Sid yelled. My sight becomes blurry. I can't hear any noise. My world shut down. Fear crept into my system. But please I don't want to die. I want to live and I want to be with Jazxer. Not now... Please...

"P-please l-let m-me live f-for Jazxer..." 

***

I fluttered open my eyes and my room ceiling welcomed me. I feel so weak. I heard the beep of machines. I have an oxygen mask again. So I was able to escape death for the nth time. Thank God. 

"Azzelle, are you okay? How's your feeling?" I slowly turned my attention to someone who is holding my hand and gently caressing it. 

"J-jazxer..." My throat feels so dry. I saw tears in his eyes the time a glimpse of relief in him.

"T-thank God! I was so worried. The doctor said you are stressed that's why you had an attack again but the good thing isn't that serious." I cast a wry smile. 

"J-jazxer..."

"I love you, Azzelle... Please don't scare me like that. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to lose you. Please, let's fight until the donor knocked for you." I was shocked by what he said. I felt my tears about to fall but he wiped them off immediately and kissed my forehead.

"I know I will regret this one but I don't care anymore. I realized that I should cherish our time and not turn back because of fears. I taught you to become strong but I end up eating my words too. B-but now I'm ready. I'm not scared anymore." He gently squeezed my hand and give me a look with love. "I love you, Azzelle. No more running." I don't understand why he kept saying I'm going to be hurt. But I don't care anymore. He is the most important in my life. Having him is making me scream for bliss. 

"I-i l-love y-you t-too." My voice was croaky. He kissed the back of my hand. 

"Please regained your strength. We will cherish every moment" he said tears fall from my eyes but I smiled. It is what they called tears of joy. I feel so at home right now...