In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

006

"Please don't c-cry..." I whispered to myself. I'm alone in my room. I sat and lean on my bed headboard. My body is quivering. My chest is so tight I think that my heart might burst because of the emotions that I have. 

"Just die, Azzelle..."

"You are nothing but a burden to the family."

"Because of you, everything that I've valued is now gone."

"I lost my dream because of you..."

I covered my mouth to avoid making noise. Their voices are now lingering in my mind. This is the reason why I want to die and not hope to live anymore.  But everything changed when I met Jazxer Allie. I don't know how long I'm crying until I was pulled into a dreamland. A dream with him. He was smiling and that smile makes me feel better even if it was just a dream. 

***

"Are you okay, Azzelle?" That's the first question that Jazxer asked me when I woke up. I give him a weak smile. Trying to look normal but my tears failed me. 

"I-i guess, I'm not," I said. Jazxer holds my hand and squeezed it and later on, he wipes those tears that I have.

"Azzelle, everything will be okay."  He gives me an assuring smile. I want to believe in him. I want to say it too that everything will be okay but my mind keeps telling me the opposite.

"I was 14 years old when we found out that I have this disease. Ischemic heart disease mostly knows as coronary artery disease." I turned my eyes to him. He's listening. Jazxer just smiled at me and nodded like he was saying I should continue.  I don't know why I'm telling him all of this but I just want to share my story. I just want someone to understand me, and my pain and that's Jazxer. 

"At a young age, I'm taking my medications. It was not easy. My medicines, and treatment it's all expensive. And because of this my family's properties, the company turned down. T-they hated me because of this. T-they blamed me for losing everything. A-and I felt like they are right." He shook his head and dry my tears again but even with how many times he wiped them off my tears are continuously falling from my eyes. 

"I-i don't want this sickness. I never want this... I-if I can be given a chance to choose life... I will choose the life that is opposite to my life right now. I-i hates me for being like this." 

"Azzelle. Don't hate yourself. You didn't want this. No one wants this..." I smile bitterly. 

"M-my brother... He is Alleze. We used to be close before. He always stayed by my side. But everything changed. This heart disease is like a curse. I don't know why this happened. Ever since this disease came into my life. It seemed all before unlucky. We lost our stockholders in the company. The properties. Nothing left to our fortunes." I chuckled and tapped my chest. 

"At first I don't understand what was happening. Until I felt that everything changed. And until they throw me here. The doctor said my case is worst. Having the most dangerous heart disease, they said I'm pretty brave because I'm fighting. I'm positive. But when I realized that even though I stay positive. I will die eventually. But you know what I said to myself?" I eyed Jazxer he is just staring at me with a soft gaze that made me want to melt in this embrace. 

"I said to myself,  I should live for my family. For them. I want them to see that it's worth it but everything crashed when they said I should die." I let out a chuckle but a lifeless one. My voice starts cracking. 

"I know I'm dying. My survival rate is too low. A heart transplant is possible but they said it's not a good idea because of my condition. So, I said to myself. I will live happily every single day that passed. Without regret. I-i wants to l-live for them as long as I can but t-they's kept pushing me to my dead end." My tears ran down my cheeks. Jazxer gives me a sincere beam. 

"Then, I will hold you, Azzelle. I will not allow you to reach that dead end." I looked at him.

"Jazxer, why? Why are you doing this? Why are you staying at my side?" He leaned and kissed my forehead. I don't why I let him. Why? Why his touch gives me the safest feeling? With him, I feel at home.

"Because of you. You are the reason." I looked at him and my forehead knotted. 

"Me...? Reason...?" I almost mumbled. He nodded. 

"So, Azzelle. We will fight. Don't think about them. Think about yourself." It is good to feel that there's someone willing to stay beside you. Telling you things that no one telling you. 

"I-i will. I will fight for myself." I said and smile at him. He immediately caged me to his embrace when I said those words. No, not said because it sounds like a let-out promise with him. 

"Yes, fight for yourself, Azzelle..."

***

After that day. Jazxer and I always stay together because of him, I forgot my problems. I keep smiling and laughing while talking to him. We are on the rooftop. Staying and chitchatting. We are laughing but I stop laughing when I saw him staring at me. I feel awkward suddenly. 

"Jazxer, why?" He becomes serious like there's something that appeared in his mind and made him occupied. 

"That's my question too. Why?" My forehead knitted after hearing that. 

"Huh?" He just shrugged and put his arm around my shoulder. He placed his head above my head.  

"Azzelle, you need to remember this. Everything happened for a reason. People did things for them to save themselves." He paused and took a heave and sighed.  "Azzelle, what if you wake up that everything isn't true?" My forehead creased more after hearing that. It's so random.

"What do you mean?" I don't understand. "Why? What's wrong?" I asked again. He gives a small smile. I saw sadness in him. 

"Azzelle, I might do things that may hurt you but it's for you too. Everything that I'm going to do isn't being selfish. I will do it because I don't want to hurt you more. I hope you'll understand it in the end."

"Azzellle! What the hell? What are you saying? I don't understand. What it is?" I hissed. I feel frustrated hearing words that I don't understand. But it gives me pain. Like he is going to leave me. That one day, Jazxer will be gone from my life and I don't want it to happen. And those thoughts give me fear. 

"Azzelle. You need to wake up very soon."