°Chapter 11°

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"We accept the love we think we deserve"

- S. Chbosky

'' What did you just say?'' His voice rasped

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'' What did you just say?'' His voice rasped.

'' I was pregnant with our baby, Alex. I figured it out two days before our graduation.''

A painted look crossed his face, his voice guttural with confusion, he asked '' Why didn't you tell me ?''

'' I planned to tell you after the ceremony. I didn't tell you immediately because I was scared...

I didn't know how you'd react''.

''So, are you saying that we have a kid together?''

Once more, tears filled my eyes '' No, I lost the baby...''

''How? How did it happen?'' his eyes were tensed as if he was unsure of how to respond.

   I couldn't tell if he was angry with me or himself. He was so close, holding me with his strong arms, but his mind was elsewhere. How could I blame him though? He just learned I was carrying his child and I lost it.

'' When you left I was a wreck. I was barely eating and sleeping, but Olivia and Christian were there for me. I wasn't alone, I had them and the baby, so I kept trying. Two months later I was better. I decided to try harder and put my life together again. I had to. One day I was with Olivia at a restaurant having dinner...'' I stopped for a minute and I looked at him, but he had his eyes closed.

'' Continue, Rose. I wanna know....'' Taking a much-needed breath I continued.

''When we left, I saw someone across the street. I thought that someone was you. So, I run and...it was dark... I didn't see the upcoming car...''

''Jesus, baby. That day at the office you told me, you nearly died, you were referring to this, aren't you?''

      I nodded while crying. I cried and cried, getting chocked up, wanting to swallow it back down, to bury it like I had done my memories and all my emotions.

'' It was very bad, Alex. I was in a coma and when I woke up, the doctors told me that the baby didn't make it. I was devasted.  Yet, again I left with nothing.''

     He stood up, heading directly to the corner of the roof. Alex put his hands in his pockets, looking straight at the city's lights.

'' Can you go now, Victoria? I need to be alone.''

''Okay I'll do as you asked, but I need you to know that I don't blame you, Alex. Not anymore at least. I am responsible for the loss of our baby. Not you. Only Me.''

     I didn't say anything else. He called me Victoria. He never calls me by my first name. That moment I knew he was Blake, not Alex. 

What I have done?

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